Friday, 8 September 2006
The Nashman Studies of Motion 11: The Longest Yard - Using the Tools of Science to Answer What Every Boy Wanted to Know But Was Afraid To Ask
The House of Orange confer
This past week The Nashman and The House of Orange did some serious mathematical calculations. As disciples of science, we are very thourough and exacting with our methods.
Life is mysterious, complex, dynamic, and nature often likes to throw a curveball - 99.999% of life's riddles we will never comprehend in one or two lifetimes.
For the rest of the 0.001%, The Nashman is very happy to contribute his insights and theories. As that weatherman with the wig who sold pito-pito herbal tea to cure everything said - Knowledge is Power Gademet!
The Nashman explains his detailed calculations to The Orange Council as Wile E. Coyote stands watch.
PA/PR Gromit agrees that The Nashman's computations are correct and the theory is ready to be tested.
So what conundrum has The Nashman humbly solved and submits his findings for the scrutiny of the scientific/academic/madlang peepol/intellectual community?
Remember when you were kids and you always wanted to know who among your peers who could pee the furthest?
Wander no more in the desert of ignorance oh dear Philistines for today The Nashman shares the secret every boy wants to know on to win the Palayuan ng Ihi contest.
Well, it all boils down to basic physics. If you drink the right amount of water, angle your weiner at 45 degrees and impart maximum energy to your pee by twisting your PC muscle and clenching your butt, one should be able to pee a distance (in Standard Atmospheric Pressure) of
max pee distance = your height in metres + (length of penis in cm)x(1.6180)
The Nashman quickly put his theory to the test . The Nashman wanted to surpass his theoretical max pee distance by 10 cm, a world record.
Following standard protocol for all world record attempts, a dry riverbed in Middle Earth was to be our proving ground...
After drinking 2 litres of Vichy Célestines Mineral Water shipped especially from France, The Nashman was more than raring to quench Middle Earth's thirst with another superb display of athletic prowess.
The House of Orange gives The Nashman some privacy as he adjusts The Mini-Nashman.
Due to the graphic nature of this scientific endeavour that may be unsuitable for naive readers, we can only provide only a schematic, representation of this historic 11 seconds....
A very true to life rendering of what transpired. Gerry Alanguilan should hire me for my drawing talent soon.
After causing a spectacular deluge that nearly prompted Middle Earth authorities to issue a flash flood warning, The Mini Nashman dribbled its last drops and retreated calmly into The Nashman's loins.
The Nashman then stepped aside to allow his record breaking attempt to be verified.
The pee distance is measured up to the second decimal point.
The trees of Middle Earth shivered as the tension and excitement grew every second.
And then it became clear - The Nashman did it again! Another world-beating feat! He exceeded the target not by 10cm but by an unbelievalble 17.3cm!!!!
PA/PR Gromit raises his hand in jubilation as HRO Karl Willem and the House of Orange rush to congratulate him.
The Nashman certainly felt like Michael Jordan making the game-winning jumper.
at 9:53 a.m.