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Tuesday, 26 September 2006

Random Rants


It's official, semen makes you happy.

In a 2000 study by Dr. Gordon Gallup, it was suggested that women who got shagged by their partners without a condom were less depressed.

Well, it shouldn't be that surprising given that semen has mood uplifting hormones such as testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, and prostaglandins. It turns out that these natural uppers are absorbed more effectively and quickly through the vaginal walls.

So that's another reason to ditch condoms. (You only ever need them when you are shagging someone extremely fugly, which means you are desperate, and which means all the more reason for contraception. The world needs less fugly and desperate people adding to the population.)

Anyways, condom manufacturers have tried to use this discovery to their advantage by introducing......

Vitamin fortified condoms!.....


How do you like your vitamins? Orally or vaginally?

Whatever, the lesson you should take from this scientific revelation is that the vaginal wall is just as good a receptor as any other. So the next time your gf/wife/mistress tells you you can't have a nookie because she has a headache, print a copy of Dr. Gallup's study and crush two tablets of Biogesic and sprinkle them over your penis......

For Ashley, my favourite faggot: No corresponding studies have been published to determine if this effect occurs for anal sex. Although I very much doubt that seminal hormones can be absorbed through the anal walls. Because when you think about it, if it were so, that means that some chemical components of the shit that comes out would also be absorbed through the anal walls. The toxicity would kill you. So my advice to you since you normally take it where the sun don't shine is to always wear rubber....I mean have your partner (who is probably blind) wear rubber.

My good friend Lorraine asked me over dinner tonight why I'm not dating anyone......


Even then, I am neither good in bed nor rich....

Two reasons basically,
1. I am fugly and I admit it.
2. I'm dirt poor.

What girl in his right frame of mind would even entertain the thought of getting hitched with me?


Well, on the bright side, I may be stupid at times but at least I have a higher IQ than Dubya....

How is it that someone whose annual income is greater than the GDP of a failed African state, and who can jet off to Milan just to have lunch with her 'special friend' (who just happens to be one of the heirs of the Benetton fortune) and come back on the same day just in time to have dinner with me thinks it is appropriate to take me out on a 'romantic get-together evening' to.........

Kentucky frigging Fried frigging Chicken!!!!!!

But wait!

Before that, she asks me to help her look for toilet cleaner at the grocery which she makes me carry all the way to K frigging F frigging C.

Yes, I am very frugal. I am not wasteful and I am always grateful for my dear friends who invite me to dinner while half of the world is starving....but for crying out loud - I don't eat junk food!

Anyways, my friend with the annual income that dwarfs the GDP of...Chad...and...The Congo....got me a £3.99 Zinger meal while she had the £3.99 Colonel's Special.

Being a proper gentleman, I did not impose my choice of eatery and let the lady have her way.

And so, a great night out eating heart attack-inducing reconstituted chicken surrounded by plastic furniture and by people on the other tables speaking loudly.

But, I have a threshold for noise and the guilty conscience. (I had already been to McDonald's the day before and two fastfood junk meals in a row is past my monthly quota of junkfood.)
So I dragged her for organic hot chocolate and triple distilled Kazakhstani vodka into the more sombre and refined surroundings of that snooty private club frequented by thespians on Turl Street called QI. (I still made her foot the bill of course.)

And for the first time in my life, I brought a friend up to the Members Only dining area on the third floor by using my charm to get in without a booking. And my beloved friend had the temerity to say she was a bit ashamed because I was wearing flipflops and everyone else was in stuffy tweed jackets, bespoke shoes, and smoking pipe cigars. Hello? She was carrying that grocery bag with the toilet disinfectant!!!! Minus 10,000,000,0000,000 pogi points kaya yun. Tsaka yung tsinelas ko kaya ay Havainas na Islander na lemeted edetion!

Anyways, we had a nice long chat which I thoroughly enjoyed. I listened to her man problems and gave expert advice. (Why is it that all my girl friends ask me for lovelife advice? Do I look like 'Dear Tita Helen'? Is a singleton like me even qualified to give answers on the affairs of the heart?)

Oh well, just another day in the life of an unloved and under-appreciated hobbit...

1 comment:

Alternati said...

Don't let the statistics bother you Nasho Brandybuck, because... Who the heck reads New Woman? If it were a survey by Cosmo, I wouldn't be 100% sure either but I'd believe it more.

Do they have condoms there now with iodized salt? The third world doesn't have vitamin fortified condoms yet, heck glow in the dark ones aren't available in Mercury drug yet... all we have here are the lame flavored ones.

It's amazing your favorite gay friend hasn't disowned you yet. hehehe

A notion... Start charging 100 pounds an hour for your Tita Helen talks.