Saturday, 2 September 2006

Reach For Me While I'm Still Within Your Galaxy. I'll Be A Star Soon.

The Nashman receives final pointers from PA/PR Gromit as His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem shows signs of nervousness and covers his eyes.

Today I was called for Jury Duty! It was for a very special trial re-enactment and the entire proceedings were filmed by the Bar and by BBC2 for a documentary they were doing on how the justice system works.

I remember I sent an audition tape to BBC two weeks ago. I acted out a difficult scene from 'Basic Instinct', the interrogation part where I get to open my extremely short legs and say "What are you going to do? Charge me with smoking?". Take note this scene takes guts because you can't wear undies. I guess the producers were impressed by my method acting chops as I got the callback this quickly.

Before I continue, I would like to say in all humility "Lourdes, Lorraine, Clinton - Shet, mamatay kayo sa inggit, pang-GMA-7/ABS-CBN Sarimanok channel lang ang (lack of) acting talents nyo! Soooo pedestrian! Don't cry na ha. Mag-game ka na ba nalang kayo with that annoying Kris. And to Ashley, hoy bakla na mukhang tomboy pang Skycable Channel 11 lang ang beauty mo (12midnight timeslot pa), pwe! Di nyo na ako ma-re-reach mga betweng walang nengneng!"

Aaaaanywho, I WASN'T taking part in the average tv legal drama such as Boston Legal, Ally McBeal, or Law and Order. There were six simultaneous trials and I was "Juror Number 1" (o, hindi 2, 3, or 4. Number One ha!) for a case involving two counts of violent assault.

The Indictment sheet

The cases were presided by REAL judges, most of whom were from the War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague (one handled the Milosevic case!), we were treated like real Jurors and were well advised by the judge on the legal duties of the jury, ALL the lawyers for prosecution and defense were REAL barristers, and more importantly all the cases were REAL legal cases that have been previously tried in court. The ONLY actors here were the plaintiff, defendant, and witnesses who were carefully coached so that their reenactments were spot on. As jurors, we were to decide the outcome of the case based on how the prosecution and defense presented the evidence and the information gathered from their cross examination of the witnesses. This was part of the intensive legal training of the barristers and present in the audience were eminent Justices and judges evaluating their performance.

How's that for true to life method acting?

I obviously couldn't publish pictures from the set on this web diary due to non-disclosure and copyright agreements but when it finally gets broadcast and TiVo'ed (or BitTorrent'ed) by our ever reliable 'suki' in Malaysia I will personally sign the DVD copies to give away.

Prosecution and defense gave their opening arguments, evidence was presented, witnesses were called to testify and be cross examined, closing arguments given and we the jury retired for deliberations. This took 4 gruelling hours. (All the while, the camera did multiple close-ups of my excellent acting talent.)

The judge handled the case very well, stopping the barristers from asking leading questions or speculating but I was occasionally distracted by the pretty defense lawyer who wore a miniskirt. (Konting taas na lang bungad nga langit na. Baka balbas ni San Pedro kita na rin.) The prosecution lawyer was attractive too and I wondered if this was a trend among female lawyers. I was impressed by the actors especially the "evil mistress" whose delivery was so convincing! I wanted to just stand up during her cross examination and shout "To the gallows bitch! WOoooooooff with her head!"

In the end, I was disappointed that defense didn't call an expert witness (a psychiatrist) to bolster their 'act of self defense' line. The accused was a victim of domestic violence and her husband brazenly flaunted his mistress. When she snapped and stabbed him during a very violent confrontation with the mistress in the marital home, I was of the opinion that she really did not have full control of her faculties. I voted not guilty on "injury with intent to cause grievious bodily harm" but had to vote guilty on the second count of "unlawful wounding". This was based entirely on witnesss testimony and evidence.

Aaaanyways, I also learned that when you are in the jury box, it's not appropriate to eat butong pakwan. I don't know why. It's not like I was the one on trial you know. I'm a juror for heaven's sake! Juror Number 1 pa!

During the shoot, I developed this crush for the defense lawyer and "Juror Number 6" and I was struck by a creative eureka moment. I approached the producer and tried to convince him that we should develop a spin-off tv series where I have this passionate love affair with "Juror Number 6" and the pretty defense lawyer becomes my nymphomaniac stalker! Cool eh?

I then grabbed "Juror Number 6" and snogged her in the back of the set. I failed to convince her that it was time to practice our sex scenes. I seriously hope the BBC producer gives careful thought to my suggestions. It will be a big hit series I'm sure! Sort of like Beauty and the Beast legal drama.

As for my Pinewood (or Hollywood) ambitions, I think I have a fair chance of being 'the next best discovery' once this gig airs on BBC. I was looking at the other jurors and most of them were fuglier than me! They're obviously meant to be character actors hanggang dun nalang sila. You know, underlings (tauhan) who line up in front of the evil villain after a botched mission ("Isang tao lang, di nyo pa maligpit!" or "He's just a lowly cook!") and then get slapped on the face (Mga inutil!)

Preparing for filming in the library very early in the morning. PA/PR Gromit (and also the Agent handling The Nashman's acting career) goes through the script with The Nashman. HRO Karl Willem gives his moral support.

HRO Karl Willem poses for a photo as The Nashman discusses with PA/PR Gromit the salient points of the five-picture deal signed with BBC. I want M&M's in my dressing room but I want the green ones taken out!

Hopefully, my next acting gig is as a naked corpse being dissected by a sexy forensic pathologist in the hit BBC crime drama Spooks. (Spooks is the Brit 'version' of CSI. It's more realistic. You should go see it. Having actual experience in DNA and molecular biology work (ehem), The Nashman finds some lab scenes in CSI too improbable.)

Of course, let me eat more humble pie. Since I'm still a struggling actor, I don't have endorsement contracts yet. I even have to apply my own make-up! Buti nalang, my ex-girlfriend (the bitch, pag sikat na ako, don't come a-knocking on my door 'cause love don't live here anymore!) left her L'Oreal Feel Naturale Concealer and Sephora Foundation No. 7 which I used to make sure my orc-face was flawless during filming.


En said...

well, I wouldnt be's not by Jerry

The Nashman said...

I is so blonde naman. Who is Jerry?

En said...

Jerry Bee who else, CSI's frauducer..
kaw ah, di daw nya alam o :p
btw, eeeeew purple *hehe*

The Nashman said...

it's actually blue. the lighting was from a sodium lamp...otherwise it will be too obscene with natural lighting...