Tuesday, 14 November 2006

Yo Mama's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X t-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her...

When I was in college, my weight was a healthy 57kg. That gave me a very good body-mass-index for my hobbit height of 4'12".

My weight now is a humongous 63kg and as far as I know I'm still 4'12". (Those fucking growth balls didn't work)

So all that extra 6kg needs to be accounted for.

Thus in the six years since graduation:
my rounder and firmer humps: +0.5kg
bone and muscle development: +2kg
penis growth: +0.05g
since I have long luxuriantly flowing hair now: +0.1g
since I just shaved my pubic hair and had my butt waxed last week: -0.05g

That leaves me with an excess 3.4999kg which manifests itself on my hips, abs, and man-boobs.

I seriously need to burn all that off and so early last week I started to be conscious of what I ate and in what quantities. I wasn't going to starve myself or follow some dubious diet fad like the Atkins, South Beach, vegetarianism, fruitarianism, etc, etc, but I would try to eat healthful foods in proper portions....

dinner: cod roe caviar on mini-pita bread and rabbit food

breakfast: goat cheese on kosher biscuits

dinner: salmon and buffalo mozarella with rabbit food

lunch: sardines in olive oil and rice.

I was doing well but then I got an email from the love of my life from across the seas and continents which DIDN'T begin with 'my dearest' and DIDN'T end with 'always'.

Immediately I knew that another l.d.r. (long distance relationship) was not going to work. I'm not blind like the Philippine Commission on Elections. I can read between the lines. I'm here, she's there, it's over.

Shortly, I expect the next email to be somewhere along the lines of 'It's not really working out between us...'

(And to you naive dumpees, don't ever ask back "Why..." because the answer to that is "I've met someone else who's got a) prettier face b)bigger dick c)fat bank account d)all of the above and more..." and depending on the size of your ego that's going be hard to get over)

And since I will be orphaned like K-Fed soon, I don't have as much incentive to try to look good or be healthy. I know, single people try their best to look pretty, spray-netting their hair till there's an ozone hole above them or exfoliating their pores till they can make three bars of soap with all the zit they manage to squeeze out, in the hope of getting someone else's attention. And when they finally get the girl, they succumb to a false sense of security and slowly regress back to being an Uruk-Hai. If the girl is running for matyrdom or frigging nuts however, she will stay with her man through thick and thin. Eventually, they get married and this allows us bystanders to look at them in amazement at fastfood joints muttering "Why is she with THAT man?", and if she is preggers "Eww, she had sex with THAT man?". (In tagalog: Ano? Nagpakantot siya mokong na yun?) There are exceptions to the rule though - If you are a billionaire, whatever you look like or however bad your manners are, someone will always, always, fall in line to suck your smegma covered dick or if you are a billionairess - to lick your rotting fish vagina. I too will fall in line for anyone who has 9 digit places on the left of the decimal point on their bank account.

Anyways, I digress too much. I simply believe that if you are in a relationship, that's when you should put the effort to living a healthy life so you can live longer and spend more time with your love.

Since I am living for myself now and with 'happily forever and ever' thrown out the window, I don't have to beautify myself anymore. I'm going ahead with my 2 month pregnancy all the way to full term till I look like a Manila traffic cop. Well, some of my friends are pregnant so I guess I'd be in good company.

Diet? Screw the diet! (I will also grow my bush again into a thick tropical forest. It was her idea to go New Jersey hairless anyway!)

dinner: double serving of pasta with loads of parmigiano

lunch: egg fried rice with deep fried chicken

Merienda: more deep fried chicken with noodles and eggs

Take note of the munching of instant meals (so not me!) instead of Michelin star quality cuisine!!! This is early stage depression.


En said...

oooh....i suddenly craved for tuna belly when i saw the sardines, and now i'm drooling to the max when i saw the rest of the entry. siete! =)

porn collector said...

she's now an ex? well, now you can post your video-taped sexual moments for our viewing pleasures :D


nash said...

yum, tuna want sisig now

we don't have sexual moments! i'm catholic so it's against my religion to have premarital sex. whenever she is horny, i bring out the bible and we read the book of job. i have videos of us doing the rosary and novena....yes, i should post that. for the end of the world is near and you sinners should repent....

Reese said...

haha you are really amazing nash... i can't stop reading your blog.. in fact i'm beginning to miss you LOL