Tuesday, 28 November 2006

Weyb da Felepen plag prawdli

One undergrad student was shocked at lab today as I held the microscope slide containing his blood sample with my bare hands. Aren't you supposed to be wearing gloves for safety reasons? he remarked. I looked at him and I just had to do that Austin Powers routine, the one where Dr. Evil tells his son Scott to zip it.. Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.

I brought out my cedula and slapped it in his face. I'm a Filipino you muppet. I've got a third world immune system. Safety, schmasty, eklat chu chu do I look bothered?

Bacteria/viruses can smell me from a mile away and tremble in fear. Ugh, The Nashman! He's sooooo Pinoy! We're no match! It's the end of us all! Run for your lives!

True, I've been vaccinated from all sorts of nasty pathogens with all those fishballs, day old chicks, toknene, and barbequed entrails I've been eating off the streets. Only in the third world can one have such superior immune system. I lab yu Pelepens!

Coming up with another reason to be proud of my roots, don't be pooled by da raks dat I hab, I'm stel da Nashman pram da block, high brow art magazine Vice (which is read by a who's who of cool people) in their special issue on Gangs and Cults, had NOT one, NOT two, but THREE!/TROIS!/TRES pages devoted to the Philippines' Sputnik gang! In contrast, other less than stellar cults such as the Moonies, the Misanthropic Luciferian Order (the largest satanic cult in Scandanivia), the Teenage Chinese Dyke Gangs, the Crips, the Bloods, Hell's Angels and Aum Shinrikyo (the guys who farted nerve gas in the Tokyo underground) only got a few column inches in the magazine! We got three full colour picture pages! This reverence shows how highly esteemed Filipinos are whatever their chosen field. We don't just sing and dance you know!

After I read the article and gawked at the pictures of Sputnik members standing proud with their machetes drawn, the afterglow was just too much that I brought the copy along and showed it to our chancellor, Chris Patten, during a lull at the Congregation today. (PS. Don't ask Patten "How are the colonies?" followed by "Ooops, you just lost one didn't you?" He just hates to be reminded.)

I think I should donate my copy of this magazine to my college so that everyone in Middle Earth will get a chance to learn some of my amazing Filipino culture.

Sputnik gang members strike a fashion pose.

The next time a European tells me how sad they are that my beloved Las Islas Filipinas is poor and that our healthcare system is failing , I will show him this picture. Look, this man is poor. He has no job and he is in prison. Yet, he obviously is eating well. Look at those multiple bolo wounds on his belly. In any other country he would have died of secondary infection. Onli en da Pelepens bebi.

Finally, who are the directors for TV programming dorks who thought it wouldn't piss a lot of people by putting TWO very important shows on the same day and on the same time slot? Gawd! I had to flip between channels just to watch these educational programs.

Evil censorship has finally been discarded in Britain. TV taboos such as showing full frontal nudity in the aroused state, how to shag properly, even special cameras inserted into the woman's vagina to show the penis entering and what physiological changes happen on the vaginal walls and how to put pressure on the perineum to delay ejaculation can now be shown on free terrestial TV. In the Philippines, this will take some time to happen because the president, priests, bishops, datus, politicians, bigots, congressmen, and zealots don't want TV crews filming what really happens inside their gated mansions. Ok, that's probably a bad analogy. Sex as part of a loving relationship is perfectly normal and natural, what politicians, and religious bigots do inside their gated mansions are vile, disgusting, and deserve 20 lashes. Oh, well, there are some things da Pelepens still need to work on.


Alternati said...

I don't think lenient/discerning censorship will happen in the Philippines during my life time. I remember that whole fuss about Meryl Streeps pubes in The Bridges of Madison County. It's kinky hair people!

In any other aspect... the Philippines is the best! yey! (the anti-depressants are kicking in)

The Nashman said...

Da best talaga ang Pelepens. Etong laban kong eto, para sa enyo....

rene said...

upload na agad sa youtube!

the jester-in-exile said...

i think "lenient/discerning censorship" is an oxymoron in itself... but that's just me.