Monday, 27 February 2006

Freedom is far too Precioussssss. Throw the Evil Hobbit Bitch GMA into Mt. Doom instead.

Yes Bilbo Baggins, there are evil evil hobbits in the world.
In a brief detour from the usual posts of beautiful things and La Dolce Vita, let me pause to exercise my right to express my displeasure at the creeps, freaks, and idiots of my beloved country's government.

The song below is sung to the tune of Borat's "Throw the Jew down the well" (Sacha Baron Cohen's Kazakhstani alter ego). I quite like the tune of that song (and you have to google for the video/audio clip it before you send me hate mail and see how and why "Jew" was used in the song. Sacha/Ali G/Borat after all is a Jew and has a first class honors degree from Cambridge.)

In My Country There is Problem
by The Nashman (sung like Borat)

In my country there is problem
And that problem is Gonzalez
He is very very stupid
Because his brain cells are made of shit

Chorus 1
Throw Gonzalez down the toilet (repeat line)
So my country can be free (repeat line)
We must flush him down the toilet (repeat line)
Then we’ll have a big party (repeat line)

Verse 2
In my country there is problem
And that problem is Defensor and Arroyo
They take everybody freedom
And they never give it back

Chorus 2
Throw the Defensor and Arroyo down the well (repeat line)
So my country can be free (repeat line)
You must grab them by their horns (repeat line)
Then we have a big party (repeat line)

Verse 3
If you see Gloria Arroyo coming
You must be careful of her lies
You must grab her by her horns
And I tell you what to do....
(Repeat Chorus 2 twice)

Saturday, 25 February 2006

At the Last Supper, why did Jesus and the Apostles all sit on the SAME SIDE of the table?

For Clinton's birthday bash (He is entering the crucifixion year. I need to look for a donkey and some palm fronds...) I thought he might like this book "On Bullshit". Bar none, the best philosophy book out there. Getting him his college scarf was a bit of a laugh though. (To be honest, I'm even surprised that Green College artifacts are being peddled). Well, if he doesn't like his college crest (a snake entwined on a sceptre) and/or his college colour (pseudo-Rastafarian), he could get it replaced with something more classy like a Brasenose Scarf perhaps. I wouldn't mind......

Mamang Pulis, pakihuli po sina Gloria Arroyo, Mike Defensor, at Raul Gonzalez. Saksakan po sila ng katangahan at kabobohan. Nakakadisgrasya po sila.

The covered market boasts of 16 types of fresh mushrooms. Including the magic ones. (It is legal. This explains how Tolkien, CS Lewis, Carroll, and Pullman were able to write eloquently and so vividly of magical kingdoms). By the way, does anyone know what happens if you put Canestan Anti-fungal cream on live mushrooms?

A self portrait of me, the apprentice chef with my pyschedelic apron (we were after all cooking with mushrooms and truffles). Yep, I'm growing my hair long. Hopefully, I could get it dreadlocked. The girls said my current hairstyle looked "post-coital". I didn't quite know if that was a compliment. Next time, I'll look at the mirror post coitus (if ever it happens this century).

For the Birthday menu, Clinton chose rabbit stew. I normally don't eat cute and furry rodents, but since it was his Birthday, he could have anything. It looked really bloody at first (slicing rabbit is NOT like slicing chicken) but the magic of a Le Creuset cast iron pan, herbs de provence, white wine, magic mushrooms, and three hours of TLC over low heat and Voila! A superb rabbit dish that even Bugs Bunny would enjoy.

I really enjoyed using Gina's Kasumi knife. Kasumi knives are forged using traditional processes of making samurai swords. Look how perfectly I minced those peppers and how thinly I sliced those cucumbers. I could probably circumcise my little nephews using this knife.

One needs wine for cooking and to drink while cooking. Since I chose the next dish of Paella, the wine naturally was Spanish.

The Indios (ie, the colonials, us Flips. PS. Technically since I'm a Kankanaey from Benguet, me or my ancestors have NEVER been Spanish colonials. They couldn't quite subjugate us) have definitely made the Moorish Spain dish of paella their own. For Clinton's birthday we cooked Paella de rape con azafran. Saffron from Afghanistan or Persia is hard to get nowadays (everyone seems to be planting opium although saffron is just as expensive. Well, I guess Kate Moss et al would rather have heroin than saffron). Fortunately, Gina had a stash of saffron from southern Spain. The saffron ceremony is a centuries old Persian tradition which Gina deftly performed. It's a secret that is passed on to the truly deserving. Anyways, going back to making Paella a Flipinoy dish, instead of using spanish calasparra or bomba rice, Gina had short grain azucena rice from Batangas and it was perfect. The paella had monk fish, squid, and shrimp. Delicioso!

We can't get away from the French so the after dinner cheese selection had us singing La Marseillaise. In fact the Vacherin Mont D'Or from the Franche Comte region was properly aged in a spruce wood box and gave everyone's tastebuds multiple orgasms. (Shet, lasang cheese whiz!)

This is Lourdes' hand describing in detail how they were taught natural family planning in Catholic school by observing the viscosity of the vaginal fluids. Such is the effect of French cheese on the senses that everyone begins to think of the closest thing to good food........................

This is something for someone who claims that there is nothing but filth on my blog. It is MY blog and I'm 100% sure that I only post pictures of beautiful things for me and my future offsprings' enjoyment. The Nashman and the entire House of Orange would like to to show you our perfectly toned gluteus maxima. We know a lot of people are envious of how perfect my humps are. I climb the Alps and the Cordilleras every year to get it in shape. I'm not surprised if a lot of people are inclined to grab it. (That privilege is sadly reserved for my girlfriend (o where are you?). So sorry, but you can only look but cannot touch.)

Friday, 24 February 2006

GMA, Mike Defensor, Raul Gonzalez - Three idiots I'd like to push into a black hole. For the meantime, flushing them down a latrine will do.

The Dennis Sciama memorial lecture delivered by his former student, Stephen Hawking. Sciama was an important figure in the field of cosmology and astrophysics. The lecture was also beamed live to Trieste on the Adriatic coast. If I had known that beforehand, I would have preferred to be in Italy rather than in cold middle earth.

Rather than be pissed off by the circus going on in my beloved Las Islas Filipinas, I decided to focus my energies on something more worthwhile.

Aaaanyways, Stephen Hawking kept blinking at me in the corridor before he was about to give a lecture on "The Origin of the Universe". I was about to blink back at him when his graduate assistant explained that Stephen's new wheels utilised infra-red light bounced off his cheek to control his onboard computer and voice synthesizer. And I thought Stephen and I were having a Brokeback Corridor moment. Before Stephen and Roger Penrose came along, the existence of the universe was explained using the steady state theory (the universe was static and had no beginning and no end). Of course, experimental evidence and Hawking's contribution to the Big Bang theory made steady state obsolete. There's still a long way to go before Einstein's relativity, quantum physics, m-theory, and Murphy's law are unified, and Stephen is still at it.

Stephen sorts out his mp3 collection while waiting for the satellite link-up to Trieste. Stephen's upgraded wheelchair includes a new chipset from Intel, wireless internet, and integrated mobile phone, and infra-red sensors. I offered to design a new seat that would include a death ray (so he can vaporise fugly people), carbon fiber/kevlar frame, a more powerful motor so he can move around the Newton Institute at warp speed, and a 5.1 surround sound system.

I need a camera with a higher optical zoom. There were lots of pretty physics undergraduates and this girl is my new crush. I think I spent more time looking at her than at Stephen's powerpoint slides.

Stephen begins his talk with an African legend. I will try to convince Stephen to update his clip art folder.

Slides from Stephen's presentation......

Okey, I'm going to rant for a few minutes: While I kinda wish I were in the Islands right now to join the party, I'm pretty sure 79 million people are more than capable of recognizing how pathetically STUPID Gloria Macapal Arrovo, Mike "Numero Uno GMA Ass Kisser" Defensor, and Raul "Subterranean Intellect" Gonzalez are. To paraphrase Stephen Hawking's last slide above: "Why are these idiots (GMA, Mike D, Gonzalez) here?" and "Where did these idiots come from?". Their brain cells clearly evolved from tae (shit).

Thursday, 23 February 2006

Utterly Random, it's 1am, couldn't sleep, so I blogged. Sad, really.

Science has clearly shown one more reason why two fugly people shouldn't be allowed to procreate. Corollary to this is that fugly people like me must mate with beautiful people to ensure a future that is safe. In fact, the government must make it sure that I only mate with beautiful people from an approved list of beautiful people.

Branwen and I had a big fight at Lecture Room XII before the Biomedical Society meeting......(sad mad Canadian woman + bottle + me = not a good combination)

She wanted to whack me with a bottle while I was screaming "No, please NOT the 1997 French Sauvignon!" Fortunately, she picked the 1999 Australian Shiraz (it was not a good year). She did cut herself (Buhuhu) and I had to put band-aids on her hand. I guess she was upset Canada did not qualify for the Men's Ice Hockey medal round at the Olympics and took it out on me. "I love you. But those girls from the Sweden women's team are way too hot, they deserve the gold...."

We made our peace before people started coming in for the meeting. Thankfully, we had two cases of wine left. (You gotta love my college for being very generous with the wine.)

Is it just me, or is this psychotic? Primary School Flashback: "Okey, class we've got too many projects involving mounted 'types of rocks'. Now why don't we spice it up a bit......."


Monday, 20 February 2006

"I will not run for re-election" - said Gloria Macapal Arroyo in Baguio 30 Dec '02. The lying evil evil bitch.

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem is one of the world's most charismatic and greatest leaders, past or present. The Nashman is truly humbled to be in His Royal Orangeness' service.

My knees still feel wobbly. Side effects of the antivirals and analgesics methinks. I was not in the mood for a college lunch so I headed for my alternative source of calories. The nice men at my local lunch eatery openly smoke pot. (Not while preparing meals of course, but during their fag breaks.) But I'd rather get my chicken, mozarella, pesto, and tomato panini from them rather than the big and evil fast food chains (Mcdo/KFC/Burger King is yuck yuck yuck). As they say, "Don't panic, eat organic".

I got a surprising number of nominations/endorsements from the Greeks, the Carribeans, the Nordic bloc (largely due to HRO Karl Willem's Nordic heritage) and the Canadians this past week for the Presidency. "Hukinana, Are you all frigging insane?!?" I screamed at them. "Don't you realize I'm a green-passport carrying Filipino?". Sure, I'm an angel now but once I take a sip in that cup of power, it will be the end of us all. Filipinos can't handle power. It's a genetic defect that we get intoxicated with it very quickly. As a Filipino leader, I will move to abolish term limits, will put up ridiculously large billboards of my ugly face that can be seen from the moon, will spend an insane amount of money building mansions, all other positions will be filled by my relatives and hangers-on, and I will have a big entourage of yes-people that will be no match for Kanye West's and Snoop Dog's posse - combined! Even if you add Diddy's own army of yes-people, when it comes to Ubusan ng Lahi*, no one can outnumber a Filipino politician's posse. (*trans. as "Last Man Standing", the hobby of Philippine Political Clans esp. in the lawless lowlands)

No, I refuse to go to the Dark Side so I am standing down. In fact, I am passing a motion that will prevent ANY Filipino from ever being elected for any Middle Common room office. Middle Earth has survived for 850 years. It only takes one Flipinoy to bring it all down.

I still am weak from my recent viral infection. I've slept everywhere, including in the Halls of Middle Earth Power. Morpheus won't release me from his spell, nor am I inclined to let go either.....

Sunday, 19 February 2006

I'm a sick sick man in a sick sick world....

A scene from the premiere of CSI:Middle Earth. Forensic investigators His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and Gromit analyse the crime scene. Could the clues lead to more than just death by a bad kebab?

Thank Allah/Zeus/Yahweh/Big Bob for the Winter Olympics. It was depressing being sick and incarcerated in my small room for a week but at least there was something nice to watch/listen to on tv in between my bouts of delirium. The winter olympics is special because unlike other normal sporting events where genetics and training are enough to get you by, in winter events, one needs to factor in the equipment as well. All those new redesigned snowboards, shock absorbing poles, composite blades, clap skates, skins to reduce drag, skins to increase hang time, etc are all taking centre stage. And they have put a stop to all those anorexic ski jumpers by considering an athlete's body-mass index in scoring. How exacting is that! The snowboard events are exciting, olympic hockey is definitely much better than the nhl, the luge is scarier than ever, and because of the aerodynamic requirement of winter events, all the girl athletes are extremely pretty.

I don't think I can be at an elite level in any winter sport (except speed skating, but only if it goes clockwise - and it doesn't) because I have a big ass mole on the right side of my lip. This handicaps me as it shifts my centre of gravity. This translates to a .001s performance loss that is enough to eliminate me at the qualifying stages.

I need to put this on my blog diary and thank Karen who just got back from New Jersey (WTF were you doing in New Jersey??? Stalking Richie Sambora now that Heather is divorcing him?) and immediately took care of a sick man by cooking tonic food for me. I probably lost 1kg this week dropping to me the same junior lightweight category as Manny Pacquiao but Karen's chicken soup and pasta dishes were culinary masterpieces that allowed me to go back up to lightweight. (I do not want to share the same weight division as PacMan. I want to keep my face the way it is.)

For the first time since I moved to middle earth, I'm not running in the Teddy Hall Cross Country Relays. I'm such a loser.

This is a fruit cake from Holland. So if the Dutch DON'T put wheat flour, eggs, salt, or butter in their cakes, what DO they put in them that makes me love them so much? I survived for nearly a week on this cake so they must have done something right...

The full moon from my window. Those vampires and werewolves could have at least paid sick me a visit but apparently, ALL of them were promoting their new movie with Kate Beckinsale. (Kate was at New College while in Middle Earth. I love their bar, it's subterranean like Brasenose's which kinda explains why we are both vampire lovers. One would think that New College is the last place one would find a vampire. After all, the first thing you see outside its gates is a Japanese eatery called Edamame. Dracula/Lestat/Blade aren't that fond of miso soup because the wakame tends to get stuck in between the fangs and that's just not cool when you are a vampire. They can't exactly look in the mirror to check either. D'uh!)

Just a few metres beyond the walls of my kingdom, I could see a herd of delicious deer. I would have loved to go out with my Enfield hunting rifle but I was too sick and they still haven't caught that guy Dick Cheney. For all I know, he might be out there ready to shoot another hapless victim.

Tuesday, 14 February 2006

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Eros was sleeping again this year when it was time to shoot those love arrows for me.

Rubbing salt and vinegar solution to injury. I came home at 1:30am on Valentine's day from the lab after a disastrous experiment where the z-motors on my machine refused to work (think of this as Scottie not being able to bring the Enterprise to warp speed). Woke up at 11am after a night of fever, chills, and a bloody sore throat. I have the flu.

Thank Zeus for modern alchemy. After shooting myself with a lot of analgesics, I just managed to get dressed, buy medicine, and do some groceries before I crashed at Brasenose. All systems down again till 5pm when I was finally able to walk back home to at least cook a decent dinner.

Public Service Announcement for the Betterment of Humanity. I would like to point out that if your perfume can be smelled at more than an arm's length, you put too much. I don't quite understand why some people want to be smelled more than an arm's length. In the animal kingdom (to which we belong), this means certain death.

The Nashman Valentine Dinner starter of manchego and prosciutto parma. And lots of anti-flu medicine while waiting for the main dish to cook.

My flu prevented me from doing anything fancy so the main course was an easy steamed chicken in ginger. Lots of ginger for my sore throat.

The Nashman Valentine dinner dessert was cucumber in datu puti vinegar with pepper. I don't know if this is a Baguio thing but it's good for sore throat.

Robert Plant and his band the Strange Sensations released a new album, Mighty Rearranger, in the middle of last year which I only got hold of now. I think this is his BEST album post Led Zep. In fact, his trademark caterwaul dominates this album and at the risk of blasphemy, this album is in fact very Zeppelinesque. This album showcases enough blues guitar, jazz, western and North African music influences to get a sick man like me on the way to recovery. Incidentally, Corinne Bailey Rae cites Led Zeppelin as one of her favourites although this isn't apparent in her magnificent album. Further proof that good music begets good music.

Same as last year. Looking forward to next year. No need to call the psychic hotline, next year will be the same.

It's St. Valentine's once again and I am outside looking in. In fact I'm in my room, down with the flu.

The good thing with being single is that my conscience is clear and I didn't contribute to the untimely demise of millions of poor flowers. I just let them be, connected to the soil which gives them life.

God has a sense of humour. Everywhere I went, there were corny images of love. Two swans, as if on cue, formed a heart and of all places, they chose to perform this shameless display of affection in front of me.

Another disgusting public display of affection. Get a room you two!

I maybe a poor loveless soul but I am certainly not a loser. I don't need a blow up doll.

My love life is like a high speed car crash.

I might as well be a robot.

At least a squirrel loves me for who I am. Keeping me company and stealing my butter cookies.

Meanwhile, in conservative Philipines, thousands of people flocked to the Bay to exchange bodily fluids with the largest kissathon in the world. Drug companies will be very happy with the inevitable flu epidemic. Kaching! Kaching! Delivery rooms will be full in November and no one will be quite sure who the father is.