Friday, 29 September 2006

We Interrupt This Program

Milenyo, a big muthafucka of a typhoon, has blown my beloved Las Islas Filipinas back into the glory days of D-batteries and the transistor radio.

So, I don't need to post anything for now on my blog because my loyal most number one reader, my mother, the main reason why this blog was put up, has no internet connection. Ooooh, poor you. You can finally knit that blue sweater I keep begging you to do for me.

Tuesday, 26 September 2006

Random Rants

It's official, semen makes you happy.

In a 2000 study by Dr. Gordon Gallup, it was suggested that women who got shagged by their partners without a condom were less depressed.

Well, it shouldn't be that surprising given that semen has mood uplifting hormones such as testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, and prostaglandins. It turns out that these natural uppers are absorbed more effectively and quickly through the vaginal walls.

So that's another reason to ditch condoms. (You only ever need them when you are shagging someone extremely fugly, which means you are desperate, and which means all the more reason for contraception. The world needs less fugly and desperate people adding to the population.)

Anyways, condom manufacturers have tried to use this discovery to their advantage by introducing......

Vitamin fortified condoms!.....

How do you like your vitamins? Orally or vaginally?

Whatever, the lesson you should take from this scientific revelation is that the vaginal wall is just as good a receptor as any other. So the next time your gf/wife/mistress tells you you can't have a nookie because she has a headache, print a copy of Dr. Gallup's study and crush two tablets of Biogesic and sprinkle them over your penis......

For Ashley, my favourite faggot: No corresponding studies have been published to determine if this effect occurs for anal sex. Although I very much doubt that seminal hormones can be absorbed through the anal walls. Because when you think about it, if it were so, that means that some chemical components of the shit that comes out would also be absorbed through the anal walls. The toxicity would kill you. So my advice to you since you normally take it where the sun don't shine is to always wear rubber....I mean have your partner (who is probably blind) wear rubber.

My good friend Lorraine asked me over dinner tonight why I'm not dating anyone......

Even then, I am neither good in bed nor rich....

Two reasons basically,
1. I am fugly and I admit it.
2. I'm dirt poor.

What girl in his right frame of mind would even entertain the thought of getting hitched with me?

Well, on the bright side, I may be stupid at times but at least I have a higher IQ than Dubya....

How is it that someone whose annual income is greater than the GDP of a failed African state, and who can jet off to Milan just to have lunch with her 'special friend' (who just happens to be one of the heirs of the Benetton fortune) and come back on the same day just in time to have dinner with me thinks it is appropriate to take me out on a 'romantic get-together evening' to.........

Kentucky frigging Fried frigging Chicken!!!!!!

But wait!

Before that, she asks me to help her look for toilet cleaner at the grocery which she makes me carry all the way to K frigging F frigging C.

Yes, I am very frugal. I am not wasteful and I am always grateful for my dear friends who invite me to dinner while half of the world is starving....but for crying out loud - I don't eat junk food!

Anyways, my friend with the annual income that dwarfs the GDP of...Chad...and...The me a £3.99 Zinger meal while she had the £3.99 Colonel's Special.

Being a proper gentleman, I did not impose my choice of eatery and let the lady have her way.

And so, a great night out eating heart attack-inducing reconstituted chicken surrounded by plastic furniture and by people on the other tables speaking loudly.

But, I have a threshold for noise and the guilty conscience. (I had already been to McDonald's the day before and two fastfood junk meals in a row is past my monthly quota of junkfood.)
So I dragged her for organic hot chocolate and triple distilled Kazakhstani vodka into the more sombre and refined surroundings of that snooty private club frequented by thespians on Turl Street called QI. (I still made her foot the bill of course.)

And for the first time in my life, I brought a friend up to the Members Only dining area on the third floor by using my charm to get in without a booking. And my beloved friend had the temerity to say she was a bit ashamed because I was wearing flipflops and everyone else was in stuffy tweed jackets, bespoke shoes, and smoking pipe cigars. Hello? She was carrying that grocery bag with the toilet disinfectant!!!! Minus 10,000,000,0000,000 pogi points kaya yun. Tsaka yung tsinelas ko kaya ay Havainas na Islander na lemeted edetion!

Anyways, we had a nice long chat which I thoroughly enjoyed. I listened to her man problems and gave expert advice. (Why is it that all my girl friends ask me for lovelife advice? Do I look like 'Dear Tita Helen'? Is a singleton like me even qualified to give answers on the affairs of the heart?)

Oh well, just another day in the life of an unloved and under-appreciated hobbit...

Monday, 25 September 2006

Before I Burn In Hell, Let Me Tell You A Story........

PA/PR Gromit whispers to His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem's ear as they wait for The Nashman to come out of the confession box....

Four nuns were cycling across the cobblestone streets when one nun says to another "Ooh, I've never come this way before"

Then, one nun to other nuns riding bicycle across cobblestones "OK, girls, that's enough, back on with the saddles this time."

Suddenly, after turning a corner, one of the nuns was manhandled by two drunk men wearing skin tight costumes.

"Holy Toledo Batman! We finally caught the Penguin" shouted the boy with the red vest, green leggings, and yellow cape.

The three remaining nuns took rest in a park when a flasher came up to them. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun had a stroke. The third nun wouldn't touch him.

"I already had a stroke with the Parish Priest this morning" she said. "I shouldn't have but the Bishop has taken the altar boys for a camping trip".

The nuns were on their way back to the convent but they were abducted by enormous gangsters who took them to a dark alley and sexually assaulted them.

"Forgive them Father for they know not what they are doing" prayed one nun.
"But sister, this one does!" said the other nun, blushing.

When the gang members left, the nuns dressed up quickly and went to the market to buy lime to suck on to wipe the smile off their faces.

"What will Mother Superior say when we tell her we were raped twice?" asked one nun.
"But we were only raped once" replied another, bewildered.
"Aren't we cycling up the cobbled hill on our way back?" explained the other nun.

As they reached the base of the hill, the nuns took off their saddles once more before cycling uphill.

"I like coming here" one nun she said.
"Yes, I come here quite often" added the other nun.
"It's like going up to heaven" revealed the third nun.

The Cardinal saw the nuns coming and stopped them.

"Have you seen my cock?" asked the Cardinal stroking his cock carefully and waving it proudly.
"Yes, I see it every morning playing with Mother Superior's pussy." said one nun.
"Your cock doesn't look lively though, but I guess that's because Mother Superior's pussy stinks most of the time." she added.
"Your cock has very craggy skin and its head is drooping." admitted the second nun.
"Maybe it's time we had your cock for dinner your Holiness." suggested the third nun.
"Yes, I'll come along tonight and you can have my cock." relented the Cardinal.

When they reached the convent and told Mother Superior about the rape, she was angry and ordered them all to wash and purify their offending body parts with Holy Water.

Squatting and about to cleanse their fannies in the fountain of Holy Water, they were stopped by another nun screaming and waving her arms

"Wait! I need to gargle in that first!" she said.

Before dinner, Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says unto them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Th...tha.....tha....tha...thaat's all folks....(PA/PR Gromit is still in his Cowboy phase. Silly dog.)

Friday, 22 September 2006

What A Difference $149M Makes

My first experience of a movie set was for the obviously D-movie "Babae" (or something... it was that forgettable). I was in 5th grade and these guys were filming an 'ambush' scene in the mean slums of Baguio where I lived. Starlet comes out of the door with leading man (I think it was Philip Salvador) then suddenly this cheap speeding box-type dispensable car comes to a screeching stop and fugly baddies come out strafing leading man and starlet with M16 fire. Amazingly, despite the hail of bullets, leading man manages to return fire with his 45 calibre handgun killing baddies instantly. It was amazing because both leading man and starlet are left unscathed despite baddies shooting at them with a machine gun from a looooong distance of 20 feet!

I remember it well because I stood directly in front of the M16-totting baddie who dispensed one round of bullets in the typical baddie stance - fugly growling countenance, shooting from the hip from left to right and NOT aiming. The gun was firing blanks of course but whenever I think of how Brandon Lee died because one live bullet wasn't prepped properly during filming 'The Crow' that he actually got shot and I remember that the two firearms prep guys on this set of 'Babae' looked really dodgy and incompetent (they were actually hammering away at the tips of the live bullets before twisting the casings with a pair of pliers!!!!), I can only sigh and raise my hands to high heavens and say "I is Alive! Thank God!"

Aaaaanywho, even for a 5th grader like me, I can smell a bad straight-to-betamax tape movie from a mile away that I didn't linger on the set. Besides, the starlet was not really an actress that it took 5 boring retakes of her coming out of the door. How hard can that be??

Since then, interesting life experiences have happened to me whenever I unwittingly stumble on a movie set. There's my "Before Sunrise" affair with pretty Jali on the set of "Volando Voy" (I miss her already), Lorraine throwing a diva tantrum on the set of Harry Potter 3, and me crashing my bike with my front wheel ending up like a potato chip on the set of "Cambridge Spies".

("Cambridge Spies" tells the true story of the five KGB spies recruited at Cambridge. My favourite faggot friend Ashley announced "Ako rin, magiging spy". To this my only reply is "Hindi naman dahil sa hindi ka maalam ng ibang lengwahe or dahil hindi ka athletic, or dahil badichi ka na hindi alam ang pagkakaiba ng Ferragamo sa Prada (in fact, the Cambridge Spies were all gay) pero sa buong history ng espionage, wala pa talagang Paaaaangeeeeet na spy. Kelangan kse sa trabaho ang hetsura. Sorry nalang. Join ka nalang sa ABC-5 baka ikaw ang mageng next Pelepen Idol")

Aaaaaanyway, this past couple of weeks film crews were all over Middle Earth. One crew was filming the Inspector Morse spinoff "Lewis", another the Brit-Indian indie film about lesbians and arranged marriages "I Can't Think Straight", and another the Kidman-Craig-Pullman movie "His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass."

Now, I'm just curious as to how a $1M production compares to another with a budget 150 times that.


Mamang duleng, Can yu espot the deperens?....

Let's begin with the low budget indie film....

Oh, the backbreaking manual work - two people need to hold on to the end of the camera rig...

Get this man outta here...Security! Security! Hello?? No budget for a full security cordon - Filming gets interrupted by tourists materialising out of nowhere for a photo-op thus ruining the shot and requiring another take. This picture makes me cry in laughter. While the director was concentrating on the sequence, this guy just inched his way closer, and closer, and closer while his partner took a photo. The director was startled of course when he realised this man wasn't supposed to be there.....Ang Bollywood film na naging Kung Fu epic....

You call that catering??? Hello? I'm a movie star. Where is my personal coconut juice holder??? It's really skint when the crew need to make their own instant coffee....

The personal alalay got his bag from ebay. Well, at least the star still has her own PA. That girl sitting is either Sheethal Seth or Lisa Ray (one of them was Miss World (?) and the other is included in the "Top 10 Most Beautiful Women In India" list). Did I mention that this was a film about lesbians? Anyways, she was beautiful but I wasn't that captivated with her movie make-up on. However, when I saw the VTR playback, the star was extremely photogenic! Notice also that the VTR monitor is placed on top of a green monobloc chair.

The night shot - Just two small spot lights eh?

Now, what does $150M afford you?.....................

A fully articulated camera crane with three degrees of freedom.....

No homemade VTR secured with packing tape on a green monobloc chair here....

Security was quick to prevent me from taking pictures of the set (or more precisely the frigging props.) Nicole Kidman had just entered the Fellows Garden of Exeter for a shoot while I came out of the covered market for lunch but was too surprised that there she was to bring out my camera. It turns out, I wasn't security's main concern, (after all I have a right to be here because live here!!) paparazzi with looooooong lenses were behind me. Although I could getthisclose to the set, they asked me not to take any more pictures....but I should tell you that Nicole does LIKE short men. That, or I'm just a charming hobbit.

This is a night sequence. They've installed big-ass lights on top of my Middle Earth home. That crane is more than 100 feet high.

Add some smoke effects and Middle Earth is transported into a parallel universe.
The view from my hiding crib as the crew continues with principal photography till the wee hours.

Thursday, 21 September 2006

The Nashman Studies of Motion 013: Baño de Cordobesa

Miguel Cervantes de Saavedra Stayed here and so did we...I wonder why though, it's so dry here there are no windmills to catch.....

While the rest of Andalucia freezes at 35C, Cordoba's microclimate provides a more comfortable 40C midday sun. Thankfully, old Spanish houses still have the cool breezy courtyards introduced by the Moors.

The inner courtyard of my humble Cordobesan abode..

Yet, one of my weaknesses is that I tend to overheat easily. I looked forward to a refreshing soak in cold water after lunch for my siesta only to find that my room had this..........

Presenting the Hobbit Bath!

I'm short but I'm NOT that short!

If the hobbits played basketball in the Shire, I'd be frigging Shaquille O'Neal.

It's not the fault of my landlord of course. To preserve the centro historico, all architectural modifications must be kept to the bare essentials. I'm still happy that I even have an ensuite room located just an empty botella of cerveza away from the Mezquita.

In Tokyo, my friend complained that our hotel baths weren't long enough (shet, it's not my fault she's tall) but what it lacked in length it made up for depth and allowed both of us to sit comfortably immersed in water up to our neck. (Besides, in Japan, you should really be using the communal bath which can accommodate the entire prefecture.)

Anyhow, back to Cordoba, my dilemma is how to contort my young, envy-of-many, and nubile body in this small pail of water so that I can dip my head in the cold water.

A puzzle.......esep, esep

Hmmm, wonder what this tube is for?.........Aha! A breathing pipe! I can immerse my head entirely in water without drowning!

In the aid of public service, let me show you the basic yoga positions to adopt whenever you are faced with a bath that is a good three feet shorter than you...

1. The Dead Frog - this position also cools your gonads.

2. The Cossack Dance - imagine yourself dancing like Yul Brynner in Taras Bulba, albeit lying down.

3. De Quatro - allows you to exercise your perineum

4. Inverso De Quatro - when your left testicle needs a rest...

5. Question Mark - kinda like the classic "Hwag po koya!" self defense stance

6. Mila's Lechon - allows you to to rythmically clench your butt cheeks, making them firm, muscular, and hence irresistible to the female species.

Let me share a The Nashman secret - if you gulp down lots of cold cerveza with your patatas bravas, empanada, and croquetas you can build up so much gas that you can pamper yourself with your own self-powered whirlpool bath!

Look at all those relaxing jaccuzi bubbles. Who said energy can't escape from black holes? For your safety, put those lighted scented candles at least a few feet away unless you are qualified to perform the dangerous 'dragon's breath of fire' trick.......

Warning: Release gas in small careful bursts but don't fart too hard or you might release a couple of yellow submarines. That's kinda ewww.....

Tuesday, 19 September 2006

Breaking From the Usual Diary Entry, Apparently I've Been Tagged........

Hello, I'd like to invite your wife for a roadtrip across Russia......

It's a slow news day and I wouldn't have blogged but someone dared 'tag' me which is kinda a first.

I'm not usually into forwarding emails, sending chain mail, or into blogrolling but since this 'tagging' bit doesn't require tinkering with html, I'm going to give it a go instead of brushing it aside while doing the 'whateva, see if I care' hand gesture.

Even hardened loners like me need their small egos massaged from time to time.

Aba may interesado pala sa laman ng aking music player. Well, probably not really 'cause tagging is like sending chain mail and one has to 'tag' a billion other people otherwise bad luck will fall on those who break the chain.

Anyways, the 'meme/tag' is to name seven songs I am currently enjoying......

I've got a nano doesn't play music though but it definitely has rhythm....

I prefer listening to albums in their entirety so I'm going to name the seven albums recently uploaded on my cheap mp3 player.

And I can't be bothered to tag seven other people because I don't really have that many friends....


The last 7 albums I've recently uploaded to my player and that I'm currently enjoying:

1. Kanye West Late Orchestration - Live at Abbey Road Studios
If you should get only one Kanye West album, this live recording should be it. Backed by a 30-piece all female string orchestra and a female conductor this was one of the best concerts late last year. I like my rap with the social message and not the crass materialism of P. Diddy or 50 Cent. I'm Old School baby. The orchestral arrangements on K. West classics such as "Diamonds from Sierra Leone", "Touch the Sky"and , "Jesus Walks" are electrifying and Kanye is one of the more charismatic live performers out there. What I don't like about this album is the late insertion of "Gold Digger", a song he didn't perform at the Abbey Studios concert. It's a good song but it's clearly out of place.

2. Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, and Carmen McRae at Newport
Recorded at the 1957 Newport Jazz Festival. I mean, whoa - timeless, classic, makes me want to really let it all go and fall in love again.

3. Paco de Lucia - Concierto de Aranjuez
The second movement of Concierto de Aranjuez has always been my lullabye but when the maestro is playing it, you have to pay full attention. Precision fingering.

4. Rodrigo y Gabriela
Another instrumental album from a Mexican guitar duo. A mix of latin, flamenco, jazz, heavy metal (but acoustic) and wicked fretwork (Gabriela uses the guitar as a percussion instrument) these guys are better seen (and heard) live. In this eponymous album they provide an exciting take on the classic rock anthem "Stairway to Heaven". Get it and weep.

5. Paolo Nutini - These Streets
Another singer-songwriter "child" prodigy who makes me think hard about what I was up to when I was 18 (wanking probably). His first single "Last Request" may have been overplayed on radio but the entire album is solid. And, he is also better live. Ocassionally does covers (check out his version of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy"). I'm going to watch his gig in Lausanne in November because all the England dates are sold out. He's that good.

6. David Ford - I Sincerely Apologise For All The Trouble I've Caused
Another singer songwriter sorta like Damien Rice. His song "I don't care what you call me" is my theme song to all those people who hate me. He does great covers too.

7. Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
Do I have to explain this classic?

Panama Jack Gromit

No one would confirm the title of the $150M movie New Line Cinema is filming in Middle Earth. Apparently, it's supposed to be a 'secret'. "We're not allowed to say" said the production people when I asked them. Yet "Northern Progress Co Ltd" is a give away.....

Yes, despite appearances, despite being a fugly illiterate Hobbit-sized Orc, The Nashman does read/skim/leaf through books in his spare time. Who better to help me make a selection than trusty sidekick, PA/PR to The House of Orange Gromit......

Howdy Cowboys, Welcome to The Nashman and Gromit's Book Club. We're at Britain's Numero Uno Bookseller - Blackwell's to update our library.

Now that they're filming the movie, I might as well catch up on Pullman's award winning Trilogy. Para naman hindi ako out of fashion. I often bump into Pullman and yet don't have the courage to ask him to sign and lick my copy with his DNA (ramps up the ebay resale price). Perhaps it's because my copy is a printout of a PDF bootleg of his book? That's kinda like asking Norah Jones to sign a CD of her latest album that you picked up from the bangketa. Uu suki, uridyinal itu. Tingnan mu u, Nura Juns ka-duet nya si Pridi Agilar. You look at the sleeve and see a picture of what looks like a bad photoshop image of Ka-Pridi next to Norah smiling. Uy okey to ah, collectors edition! and hand over your 30 pesos. Suki balik ka bukas, miron Black Eyed Pees peetyuring Andre E. And you know you're definitely coming back the following day. Aminin! On another more important note - Why is it that they change the titles on the other side of the Atlantic? It was "Philosopher's Stone" here and "Sorcerer's Stone" there. Now, "Northern Lights" has been changed to "Golden Compass" for the American edition? Bakit? Why? Apay?

A fellow Baguio Blogger (alternati) wrongly posted on his blog "Villains I Root For..." that Wile E. Coyote is a villain! No he is NOT! He is a victim of injustice! Why would anyone root for that ugly bird The Road Runner? He's the Eeeeeevil thorn on our backside! The Road Runner should be blowtorched! Table number 5, sweet and sour road runner la! Orcs is a riotously funny book. It tells the life on an Orc from the perspective of an Orc. I never knew Orcs could be so sensitive and eloquent. How do Orcs use the keyboard though? Don't they have chubby fingers and long nails? Dear Orc Diary: Legolas sat beside me at lunch today. He's so baduy. I mean, white suit with white hair? He's so last year ha. He's dressed up like a Las Vegas performer, pwede va? And he always states the obvious. Oneliners like "The sun sets in the west". No shit, Sherlock. Sauron may have given us two brain cells but we're not that shhhtufid. And he thinks he's so guapo. He's so chaka-du kaya. We can use his baba to pry open the gates of Minas Tirith. Pero in fairness, ano kaya shamfu nya?

I finally figured out why they had to bring those 4000 sheep up the frigging mountain and why they couldn't camp above the treeline. Brokeback is only 24 pages long so it was easy to skim through. When I saw the film I had a hard time deciphering the Midwestern accent and figure out what was going on. (That and the fact that the old ladies next to us were noisily eating tacos!!) I also only realised that I got the ending oh so wrong. Well, forgive me because I don't have a gaydar. What's sad though is that one of my gay friends (yes there are lots, I'm very open and secure), third world twink Ashley, doesn't even have a frigging gaydar. Now that's really tragic. I'd invite him to a party and he'd hit on every straight guy in the room - Hoy titah, ang mga kamay itago, hindi mo sya kauri. Atska, konting fino, he's also the Greek Consul. It's like sending the Pacific Fleet off to war with nothing but a magnetised needle floating on a bowl of water to guide them. (Although I can't blame Ashley, he is after all from the third world, walang pambili ng radar dun, kulang budget.) Hoy Shokla, belated happy birthday!

That's gotta hurt.

Saturday, 16 September 2006

Walking on the South Bank

The Swiss Re imposing itself on the surrounding buildings.

London City Hall and the outdoor exhibit of Magnum photographer Hiroji Kubota.

Another city hall petition initiated by the ultra-conservative Demure Sisters of the Moonlight.

Maritess and the Superfriends in a meeting.

I kid you not. When Foster's City Hall opened some four years ago. There was a blind tour guide with an adorable golden retriever who 'showed' me around. This is how well designed this building is. It's got ramps instead of stairs and uses a quarter of the energy required for a building of the same size.

Morning cafe americano at Mana.

The Millenium Foot Bridge from the third floor of Tate Modern.

Tate Modern arranges its collection by -'isms'. Put at least two Filipinos in a room and you might as well call the room "Chisms" - the Flipinoy national pasttime. Actually, you don't need to physically put two Flipinoys in a room, all you need is a cheap calling rate (or Skype) and they can go on with "Chisms" for hours and hours and hours and hours.....

Sit and play interactive art on the South Bank. Choose an instrument, put your bum on the seat to activate a pressure sensor and listen to your chosen instrument.

It's easy to guess that The Nashman always wants to play with a horny french.

The fountain maze with the London Eye peeking from behind.

I got soaked of course. Water is the essence of wetness. Wetness is the essence of beauty.

Having an LQ moment. But she looks prettier pouting at me, no?

Yeah, it's doing that Shawie-pa-tweetums-effect but I wish I had a nine-iron or a baseball bat to whack this furry grey pest.