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Monday, 16 April 2007

The Nashman Studies of Motion 28: It's Election time. We must ask the Da Oracle of da Porest


His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit lead The Nashman to drink in the stream of enlightenment.

Elections have started for us exiles from the beautiful islands of Da Pelepens. Our postal ballots have arrived and we're ready to send it off to be manipulated by those magicians from our world-renowned Commission on Elections. Them muchachos/alipores are known for being able to bend the time space continuum (upon instructions of the evil hobbit bitch Gloria Arroyo no less). They have also developed a new branch of mathematics that involve many novel concepts such as the moving comma and the appearing zeroes:

example:
Gloria Arroyo - 1,674
Fernando Poe Jr - 1, 356

biglang nag-brown-out (power interruption)........

after two minutes:
Gloria Arroyo - 167,400
Fernando Poe Jr - 1,356


And the one worthy of the Nobel Prize is the Comelec's ability to defeat the First Law of Thermodynamics

example:
Number of Registered Voters - 5,670, 590
Number of votes cast - 10,568,931


Anywho, not one to take this exercise in futility lightly, The Nashman consulted The Oracle. In the olden times, this involves taking copious amounts of enlightening medication, such as peyote, opium, etc. but The Nashman, being Flipinoy, opted to snort sackloads of Chocnut. A very potent hallucinogen. Also, in the olden times, the vessel by which the Oracle gave its blessing normally involved vestal virgins, but since The Nashman has been celibate for more than 5 years, I think this technically means he has regained his virginity.

And so, after deep meditation in the forest, there was much convulsing. The Nashman's nubile body gyrated and contorted as he was overwhelmed by the power of the Oracle. Even that shyster and charlatan Jaime Licauco will have to admit that what happened was a REAL out of body experience.

And when he awoke, everything was crystal clear....


.....The Nashman meditates....

...and begins to levitate.....

......the mystic power of the ancients possesses him...

....and he moves gracefully as if a thousand maidens are seducing him....

.....and then nothing but ecstasy as The Nashman receives the knowledge.

And now for some serious shit. I know every politician wants my endorsement. Tiyak na panalo pag may basbas ni Santo Nashman. I will not tell the flock who to vote because the whole point of elections is that based on the candidates platforms and manifestos, the madlang people can decide for themselves.

I can however reveal who YOU should NOT vote for:

a.) The crooks, warlords, and gambling lords - Chavit Singson et al.
b.) The nutters and looneys (we already have Lapid and Miriam) - Jamalul 'Sultan of Sabah' Kiram, Koko 'there is no such thing as overpopulation' Pimentel, Richard 'no platform, puro dada' Gomez, Oliver 'atty de koleleng' Lozano et al
c.) The corrupts and incompetents - Mike Defensor et al
d.) The delusionals - Loren 'puro platitudes' Legarda et al
e.) The trapos and dynasties - Angara, Sotto, Cayetano, Aquino (both of them), Osmena, Magsaysay
f.) The plain fucking ugly - Pichay (reject na gulay)
g.) The plain annoying - Chiz Escudero (talks a lot with that annoying accent of his. Someone please tell him to shut up already), Kiko Pangilinan (there's just something about him..)

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

sino ba ang mga iboto?

-citizen of the phils.

Lee said...

what do you think of pichay's smile?

the jester-in-exile said...

adrian bautista at least walks his talk.

The Nashman said...

Si Wisely. Matagal na syang tumatakbo pero laging talo.

Whether he smiles or not, he still looks the same - sleazy and fugly.

Adrian could also have a messianic complex which puts him in the 'delusionals' category with loren

padma said...

In baguio our 7 (or was it 8?) mayoral candidates include a former faith healing mayor once incarcerated in russia for being a fake healer, and a former cheif of police famous for extrajudicial killings and keeping a human skull on his desk, and a boy scout. Our candidates for city councilor include a once convicted carnapper, and two artistas past their prime who claim to be 'baguio boys'. Take your pick!

The Nashman said...

who are these artistas?

padma said...

Roy Vinzonz and Chinggoy Alonzo