Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Something to wrap my snake.....

Our friend at the Zoology lab, Prospero the Corn Snake has shed some of his old skin again.....

And we thought why not recycle and reuse it as a condom! (I is a genius. I know. One flight to Stockholm please.)

The Nashman thought about it long and hard. Snake skins have the right geometry, it's got ribbed sides, and it's very thin! Granted that the miniNashman is more an earthworm that's been decapitated by the early bird (the miniNashman certainly rises very early, it's brown, it's thin, and it's short) than an Anaconda, corn snakes are just the right girth!

PA/PR Gromit threw a spanner in the works by pointing out that the snake skin is very long.....

....but HRO Karl Willem was quick to calculate that these two long pieces would easily give us 10 condoms! Savings! Savings! All ye who want to stroke my snake, please form an orderly line. Don't worry, it' doesn't bite like a cobra but it sure spits like one.......

In a change of programming, a blog post not involving pictures of the Nashman*

Send Bruce Willis......

Last night was the most surreal but entertaining set of lectures I have ever attended this term. (Ok, I was lured by the free pizza and beer - which are two good excuses to attend a lecture.)

The first talk was on nuclear fusion which I missed because I was fashionably late. (The curry I ate yesterday was unstable in my stomach and I had to explode them into a black hole.)

The second was on particles that travel faster than the speed of light called tachyons. (Inside question: How do you raise research funding to study an imaginary particle? Do you stand in front of an imaginary grant body who gives you imaginary money to build an imaginary particle accelerator in the French-Swiss border? Once you get imaginary experimental results, do you then publish it in an imaginary journal which will be read by imaginary scientists who will deem you worthy of an imaginary prize? How?? Paano? Apay?) When the talk ended, I thought I had imagined the whole thing. In fact, this paragraph is just a figment of your imagination.

The third lecture was on near earth asteroids (NEA) and how to deflect them. The next NEA event is sometime in 2029. Frankly, I couldn't care less if humans get an asteroid deflection system running by 2050. I'll be old and dying by then. What care I if an asteroid hits earth? Better for it to happen to kill off all those politicians and idiots (like Mike Defensor and Raul Gonzalez).

The fourth talk was on building carbon nanotube tethers from Earth to space stations. A proposal said to be feasible and would reduce the cost of sending objects into space. Fancy, but surely even if NASA charges $100000/kg of payload, the Chinese and the Kazakhs can also do it for a fraction of the price. In fact, Chinese rockets are so cheap they launched one last month, sent to hit and destroy an orbiting satellite. (This is the best demonstration of Star Wars so far and it pissed off the Americans because they all talked about it since the glorious 80s but never delivered. In fact, the Patriot missile defense system has NEVER intercepted anything, and this includes both Gulf Wars.)

Ah, and thank you to Youtube for letting us catch up with the latest Kris Aquino melodrama. I think I need to go to therapy after watching her make a mountain out of a molehill. "This is a private matter between me and my husband, but let me talk about it in public...." Arrgh!! My friend Alexandra S. tells me Kris is just staying in this marriage because her husband has a big penis. Well, it's not big enough to shut her mouth, innit? (And I don't want to be mean as I feel sorry for her and her baby due in two months.)

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are transfixed to roadkill tv....

Finally, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit made some dumplings from scratch which we devoured with gusto.

Hmm, I think I will open a carinderia....

Home cooked pulutan with Belle-Vue Cherry Beer. Yum.....

Monday, 26 February 2007

The Nashman Studies of Motion 22: Things you can do with UV Light that don't involve CSI or bodily emissions

That thing Grissom and his muchachos use in CSI?

I got me one of those.

Add a UV marker.

Use The Nashman as a canvass.

Et Voila!..........

I was too busy to play Equus.

Discus Throw.

Half-Vitruvian Man.

Lotus Position.

Full Frontal.

Sunday, 25 February 2007

AM Radio

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit at our training facility...

Don't you miss AM radio? Especially the afternoon programs which lulled you to sleep for your siesta while summering in da probins?

So, to revive this dying medium, The Nashman, HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit decided to exploit new technology such as the ubiquitous youtube to remind our dear blog readers how it was in the olden days......

This special video is not in stereo but please indulge us - Bury your grandma (make sure she signs your inheritance first), sit on her rocking chair, ramp up the volume to 11, close your eyes, and let the bedroom voice of The Nashman and the soothing music* transport you to da Pelepens, circa 1980....(*Milonga Uruguaya by Paco Pena and Eduardo Falu)

Saturday, 24 February 2007

This Blog Has Been Endorsed by Gael

My favourite Mexican homie, Gael Garcia Bernal, and crazed genius Michel Gondry have gushingly endorsed my humble blog in their recent film La Science des rĂªves (The Science of Sleep). I nearly fell off my cinema seat last night when Gael described my blog in the opening sequence as a mandatory ingredient for experiencing wonderful dreams. Anyways, this film is whack and, like this web diary, it won't appeal to everyone but I loved it. (Warning: Since this is also a French film, it has no ending....)

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and home cooked soul food - Bistek and miso soup

Aaaaanywho, this week, I've done lots of eating. It's quite obvious why I have a disgustingly unsexy belly. Thank God for my girls' basketball team who are growing stronger and quicker each day. If not for our intensive training sessions, I'd be looking like a Filipino Tongressman. I appreciate how they push me hard, physically and mentally, helping me bring sexy back. Someone said I should be ashamed of playing ball with girls, but then again......the benefits far outweigh the superficial embarrassment.....Kay sarap kayang mag pick and roll pag tsikababes yung nag-set ng screen....

Monday: Deep fried Panda meat.

Big fish.........


Thursday: Red, red, wine.....

....with Sukiyaki at G's. She's back from Libya and we were all excited. Lucky her! I really really want to go to Libya and see Leptis Magna and all those Roman ruins. Qaddafi are you listening? Sign my visa application already!

They're going to be depleted soon. Those Novi Ruskis from BlingKingsgrad are snorting it from every orifice...So might as well eat as much caviar as you can....

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

For this lent, I'm abstaining from religion.....

I've got a laser and flesh eating pathogens should you dare venture past my door....I'm the only panget in this village!

For this Lenten season, I will try to abstain from all things negative and will focus only on the beautiful things in life.

Which means that in the morning, I will avoid looking at the mirror.

And since I want to be surrounded by nothing but beauty, I told the course coordinator that I will take only pretty pupils. Teaching is a very hard thing to do, more so if you are staring at the blank faces of fugly students.

This is why I admire my teachers in High School and College. I mean, 90% of my classmates were mingers (including me) and it's truly benevolent and kind of any one who is willing to stand in front of such fugliness for one hour, three times a week. And now you know why Socrates pioneered the tutorial system - he picked only one or two students, and chose only the good looking ones. (And after class, he shagged them silly.)

What would Oxbarrio do without our allies from Portugal? Thank you Portugal for such sweet nectar....

One thing that we won't be abstaining from anytime soon is booze. In fact, Camford is renowned for University-sponsored alcoholism. Me and the gang were DJ'ing in the college bar the other night when it occurred to us that apart from us (and the Graduate Dean, who paid for drinks), everyone else was born after the fall of the Berlin wall. To make a long frustrating story short, no one was digging my mu-sique. (Only my selection of Brandon Flowers elicited some head bobbing. I felt so old.) Then, a student came in and seriously this kid was no more than 13 years old! He has yet to grow pubes! Dang, he has yet to experience his first boner. (Well, maybe he has. The amount of 'experimentation' the undergrads do is truly scandalous. But nevertheless, they all go on to do far greater things.) We confronted the Dean who said he was probably a "kid genius". Kid geniuses are annoying. Maybe because I'm envious as I wasn't one.

Following the Dean's logic, there were, oh, 30 'kid geniuses' in the bar. There were some very beautiful girls but I held on to the Rosary in my pocket for moral and spiritual strength. (....and even if we apply Dutch laws for consent, no one wants to be the D.O.M.) We let the young ones have their ale. Better they get drunk inside college than in the mean streets of Oxbarrio. In my beloved country,they'd still be drinking Promil Infant Formula....but then again, I was only 5 when I had my first shot of brandy. Praise Baal for enlightened parents!

We have our own label ale as well! But ale is fattening and I want to keep my nubile figure so I stuck to the Vodka and Brandy. I'm starting to act my age - experienced, sophisticated........

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Bid now for Special Nashman Memorabilia (This is the real deal! No Reserve Price!)

So the big news that made the whole world stop revolving this week was Britney Spears shaving her hair. Before the collective and enlightened masses could say "So, er, what?" her shorn locks quickly appeared on eBay, being flogged by the salon owner for "charity".

It was selling for $1,000,020.00.

And I thought to myself, Who are these rich, sick, perverted, and psycho buyers? Can't they spend their money on better things like modern art?

So, imagine my disappointment when after calling my mother and asking her to sell the family farm, sell the dogs to the Korean restaurant, and peddle my father into prostitution so that I could have enough cash to bid for Britney's locks and save it from the sickos, perverts, and psychos out there, eBay de-listed the item! How evil for eBay to deprive me this one chance of making a big difference in the world!

Then, a brainwave hit me! I could also auction off some Nashman items that are better value!

So for a limited time only, I'm giving people around the world a fair chance to own this item taken from The Nashman's very person that anyone can cherish and pass on as a valuable heirloom!

I'm selling off some of the..............

Nashman Pubes!

Yes, I'm selling some of those wiry black hair that keep The Nashman balls warm and itchy all year round!

This is a legitimate auction! Bidding starts at $10.00 and ends this weekend! Now is your chance to own a piece of The Nashman!

It's so versatile, you can use it for flossing your teeth!

Proceeds from this auction will be given to The Nashman's favourite charities, namely the "Give The Nashman a Five Star Hotel Room Foundation", "The Nashman Bling Fund", and most especially the "Beautify the World Today - Support Plastic Surgery and Penile Enlargement for The Nashman"

Since I'm a very very generous person and I don't want to be accused of stinginess, I'm going to make it worth your while by.........

....whoops, doing it again and shaving those babies one more time so that you can have more of me!.....

Yes, more of me!

You'll have enough to make an excellent toupee for Barbie Ken....

I'll even throw in the shaver I used! As if that wasn't enough bonus, the blade even has blood stains when I accidentally grazed my ballsack. Think about the potential windfall and the smart investment you are making! You can extract some of The Nashman DNA from the blood on the blade and in the future, when technology catches up, you can clone cute and adorable mini-Nashman's to show off to your envious friends!

To ensure the authenticity of The Nashman Pubes I will gladly give my DNA sample to the winning bidder! You can have us much DNA sample as you want.

Caveat for winning male bidders: Since The Nashman DNA needs to be deposited somewhere warm and moist and is not used primarily as an exit hole, I'll be happy to transfer DNA to your girlfriend or wife. Unless they are fug, then my lawyers will discuss alternative methods to prove that The Nashman pubes you win is a genetic match.

EXTRA BONUS! EXTRA BONUS! Putcha suki para sa iyo!

Oh baby, baby, How were you supposed to know.......

This is amazing! As if the blood stained shaver and the large pile of Nashman pubes weren't generous enough, I will also gladly give away some nail clippings! This is a very special offer indeed!

You won't see this on TV folks! Happy Bidding!

Monday, 19 February 2007

In Praise of Birds......

PA/PR Gromit decided against making T-Rex adobo. It was too big to fit into our saute pan.

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman went to the Department of Zoology today to ask Lolo Charles Darwin a very difficult question that has been bugging our minds lately....

HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit and The Nashman wonder aloud:

"If lower animals weren't meant to be eaten, why did they evolve to be so delicious?"

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit with Daddy Darwin. You can bet he knows many ways to cook finches....

The Nashman is an active member of many animal conservation societies. We are particularly active in the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds because we love birds. The Nashman thinks they are the most versatile meat - they can be steamed, boiled, deep fried, oven cooked, and sauteed. Even if you are a bad chef, it's hard to go wrong by choosing to cook bird. All you need is a dash of salt, the rest is limited by your imagination (or dietary requirements). We need to protect bird populations and diversity so that future generations can enjoy them.

Of course, if you are a Philistine and believe in that Intelligent Design crap, we can surmise how you are praising the omnipresent one for designing birds so that they can be the centerpiece in any culinary style. Yet, only the Theory of Evolution can account for the fact that modern birds have developed to just the right sizes to fit into ovens. Simply try to imagine if they stayed as velociraptors. Clearly, a velociraptor was not intelligently designed. (There's also the big risk that they might be having YOU for dinner!)

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit ask feathered friends how they prefer to be served....Mallard: I like to be shredded and sprinkled with hoisin sauce and wrapped in thin pancake. Pheasant: I'm irresistible slow cooked in a tajine with oranges....

I love rabbit paella. I wonder if Owl meat will be just as scrumptious. Even that striped animal would taste wonderful in sweet and sour sauce....

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit marvel at the bird menu. Yum!

Sunday, 18 February 2007

Year of The Pigs

The Chinese calendar says this year's the Year of the Pig.

I must admit that apart from making dumplings from scratch, my Sino culinary skills are non-existent. I couldn't cook Chinese food to save my life. (In fact, there is no motivation for me to learn Sino homecooking as there are so many take-aways.) So for my mini- Chinese New Year dinner, I jazzed up some instant noodles with chilies, eggs, and chicken bits. For dessert, I settled for the Benguet staple of strawberries in cream and condensed milk (with a dash of vanilla). Beer was Belgian.

May we all live long and prosper.

Apparently, for good luck and prosperity this year, one should hang images of pigs.

I found just the right set of images for this blog.................

Here's a better pig picture, GMA and Mike figuring out how to cheat a struggling vendor in my beloved city of Baguio.....

(photo by Andy Zapata Jr. Manong, apologies for the annotation...)

Another Dogs' Day Out.....

The dawgs are back in town....

While walking in the dead of the night hoping to procure a wretched tootbrush, it occurred to me that Cambridge girls seem a little less prettier than Oxford lasses. Hmmm, perhaps I can add that to my list of reasons for defecting to the Dark Side.

In many ways, Cantabrigia devirginised me and I was a very willing slut.

While cursing because I could not procure said wretched toothbrush because every store was closed, it also dawned on me that I have yet to graduate from Cambridge. Oh well, maybe in the next couple of decades. Gives me an excuse to come back. Maybe the next time, they'll have sorted out the admissions procedure and the students would begin looking like Rachel Weisz, at the very least, again.

I showed His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit some of my old haunts and in the process opened up some wounds. Ah, the memories.

I lasted two days in the land of Newton and Plath. Cantabrigia will still be first in my heart and I will always root for them in the Boat Race, but for now Oxbarrio is home.

Funny how time flies. Back in the middle ages, I was fabricating, with the guidance of my hardworking supervisor, fantastic 30nm transistors that trapped one electron at a time. It took me weeks to get just ONE that worked. Now, Intel is churning them out like lollipops. (In terms of the 30nm dimension I mean. So far, no one has made single electron transistors in the commercial scale.)

Who would have thought that a scrawny boy from the mean slums of Baguio would be doing this commute?

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit at Sidney Sussex Hall. That's Lady Sussex behind and on the side is Cromwell. It used to have a curtain which is used to cover his face when a toast was made to the Queen. Underneath the entire length of the hall is an impressive wine cellar.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and The Nashman's old room in the background. (Upper right.)

Oliver Cromwell was long rotting in his grave but when the royals regained power, they had him exhumed and his body quartered. It took some time for the college to recover his skull. The housekeeper often puts me up in the room above where his head is buried whenever I'm home. I love the spookiness.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit at the cloisters of St. John's College.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit in front of St. John's.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and The Bridge of Sighs.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit at the alien-invasion looking Newton Institute. (Stephen Hawking holds court here.) It was while attending a lecture by Fields medalist Witten, that The Nashman gave up on String Theory. That theory is whack and my coconut could not cope.

The Nashman had 24 hour access to this library. If you don't know/care to know who Moore is, shut down your computer. I did not come to this library to study though. I just liked the fact that they have on display the original script of The Simpsons episode where Stephen Hawking is mistaken by Homer for Larry Flynt. It also has the Star Trek episode with Hawking playing poker with Spock. How fucking cool is that?

PA/PR Gromit's favourite book is Electronics for Dogs (Aardman Studios confirms this if you doubt me.) and so it was natural for him to bark in delight when I brought him to the Engineering Department. This beautiful glass and steel intelligent building is a far cry from the dark halls of Otto Han where I learned my chops. I made my first ultrathin film transistor at Engineering. The leakage current was as bad as an incontinent grandma and I gave up on it.

A self portrait of The Nashman. I don't play any computer game but five years ago, I had lunch with two of the senior developers for Xbox. Back then, they revealed that the PSP was way better.....I don't know if that's still true.....

This is another intelligent building. It's heated by the banshee-like acoustic energy emitted by developers whenever the blue screen of death popped up. For this, it won an architecture award. I like it though as inside it has Japanese meditation gardens. Bill shows up once in a while. And on a weekday, you'd see how overpaid computer programmers are as the bike shed is barely used and there are lots of supercars, including a Lamborghini Murcielago, in the parking lot.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit enjoy the view during afternoon coffee at one of The Nashman's favourite people watching spots. In the summer, students go swimming naked in the river. (Including the un-endowed Nashman.)

This road is very memorable. My girlfriend broke up with me the night before and I was walking down this road feeling all shitty and beside myself. On the radio, Coldplay does an acoustic version of "God, put a smile upon my face....." I have hated Coldplay ever since.