Sunday, 29 April 2007

The Nashman Studies of Motion 31: The Nashman flies again.

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit welcome you to their spring home...

Before I enthrall you, dear casual blog reader, with another sexylicious death-defying feat, let me tell you something about that rather shabby mansion behind HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit.

That is Winston Churchill's ancestral home. He was home delivered in one of the many rooms and was rumoured to be 2 months 'premature'. Another version says he was actually full term and this is what I tend to believe. This is something very typical in pseudo-conservative countries like my beloved Felepens, buntis muna bago kasal. I only know of ONE close friend who was not pregnant before the church ceremony. The fact that she was not pregnant doesn't mean she didn't fornicate with her then boyfriend though. Mas masarap kasi pag 'bawal'.

Most of my cousins were home delivered. I feel jealous and insecure because unlike them and Churchill who jumped out from the loins of their mothers ready to face the world, I was delivered in the frigging Notre Dame de Lourdes Hospital and had to be put in an incubator for 3 days while a convent of nuns implored divine intervention. I particularly loved my mother's recollection of me urinating on one of the sisters as she lifted me up to be blessed by some priest. (In case you were wondering, I had a congenital heart ailment. Kaya naman ang puso ko pag sinaktan, matagal maghilom.)

Anyways, should I find the ideal woman who would want to bear our children, I hope she decides to make it a home delivery. However, it is entirely her choice where she wants to open wide for some hand to pluck from her womb the little critter. I will only veto an unnecessary caesarean birth. This seems to be a growing trend. Either the mother is 'too posh to push' or has been misinformed by an unscrupulous private hospital that wants to earn more money. Unless you are not at risk, why would you want your stomach sliced open? (Ok, maybe you are into S&M.)

In one of HRO Karl Willem's hometowns (Holland), pregnant women are still given home birthing kits. The percentage of homebirths is something marvelously ridiculous, like 30-40%. This has some religious aspect to it though, apart from the usual benefit of not stretching the welfare health system. Apparently, this is a hang-up from the puritanical legacy that women should 'take the pain'. Matapos ang sarap, heto, iluwal mo sa pekpek mo. Not all religious puritan nutters were expelled to the Americas afterall. (May mga natira pailan-ilan sa Europa, pero buti nalang halos lahat ng gago, nag-immigrate sa Tate.) Whatevs, I think home birthing is a good thing.

Anyways, should you be unfortunate enough to belong to the wrong caste (as in hindi kayo close nina Duke of Marlborough), you have to pay a lot of kuarta just to get into the grounds. (£7.30 yata or 700 pesoses just to get through the gate to the 2100-acre estate, mas mahal pa kaysa pa-tsupa sa Baywalk, iba pa bayad if you want to get inside the house to make silip).

Fortunately for me, HRO Karl Willem is chummy with Tito Churchill's angkan so we can go in and out at will. This will change soon though as the new Harry Potter film is coming out and I've been told they shot some scenes here. Kaching! Kaching! I've seen those crazy fans and they will spare no expense. Kahit siguro gawing £15 entrance, go pa rin.

And now, let me continue on my amazing feat for the day.....

Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your boyfriend was a freak like me?(like me)
Don't cha (Don't cha baby)
Don't cha?

Don't cha wish your boyfriend raw like me? (raw)
Don't cha wish your boyfriend fun like me (big fun)
Don't cha?
Don't cha?

Get ready for take off and...

....come fly with me...

...let's fly, fly away...

Weather wise its such a lovely day....

You just say the words, and we'll beat the birds...
...Down to Acapulco bay

Its perfect, for a flying honeymoon - they say
Come fly with me, we'll fly we'll fly away

Burnham Lake

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman took to the Cherwell today for a late afternoon boat ride.

Our usual rowing bitch is nowhere to be found but thankfully The Nashman is a highly trained rower. A skill The Nashman acquired traversing the perilous Burnham Lake in Baguio many times as a young boy.

Dont 'cha just wish you were on the boat with us?

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit on the bow of the ship. Aye aye Captains!

Don't let those calm waters of the Cherwell deceive you, only intrepid travelers dare navigate this mystical river.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

Woodstock Frolics

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit in a very Jane Austenesque-scene. (The Manor behind them in the far distance is Blenheim Palace.)

I was on my way to the library today and found myself suffering from a fit of claustrophobia. There were hordes of tourists, stressed undergrads revising for their exams, and film crews.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit convinced me to join them at their country estate in Woodstock, away from the peasants.

Woodstock is a village 8 miles from Oxbarrio and dates back to the 10th century or something. Famous peeps include Anglo-Saxon King Ethelred II "The Unready" who held his Witan here and Elizabeth "The Virgin Queen" who was imprisoned in an old gatehouse. Between the "Unready" or the "Virgin", I prefer my nickname to be neither.

There is not much to do in Woodstock but to eat, eat, sunbathe, swim naked in the lake, shag in the royal forests, watch sheep, eat, make out in the royal forests, drink, eat, sunbathe, drink. It's plainly decadent and debauched. Very Brideshead Revisited...

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit pay a courtesy visit to the Lord Mayor.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are my tourist guides.

Afternoon tea at the manor grounds. Separated from the unperfumed hoi polloi by a tall hedge.

We visited the graveyard. No wonder those flowers are blooming! They're getting lots of organic fertilizer.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit enjoy the cool breeze by the lake.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit invite you to join them here in the summer. This is The Nashman's favourite spot.

The Nashman decides to take a late afternoon siesta. I daydream that some naive impressionable girl will come and ask me to loosen her corset.

...ah, 'tis the good life.

Sear one side till brown and turn over...

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Spring has sprung. (Free wallpaper-sized pictures for your desktop!)

High Tea with HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit.


...the entire forest floor covered in bluebells.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit having a grand time.

Ang buhay namin, makulay. Kumukutikutitap.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit. Sunset preprandial drinks at The Trout. (Look at some people in the background. At first, they weren't sure but soon, they realised that HRO Karl Willem was around and quickly came over to get some autographs.)

Download the high-resolution pictures by clicking to enlarge the image and save to your desktop and use as a screensaver!

Pagpapalain kayo! Siksik! Liglig! Umaapaw!

We like to share. Copyright is for losers! We are here to share the love!

*Caveat: Gromit is from Nick Park and Aardman. But they are really nice guys! And we love PA/PR Gromit!

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

More Tales from the kitchen.

Ah, what poor camel gave its life so that I may wander in the desert...

At the end of a long day, I propped my feet up my desk and admired the camel leather sandal I got from Marrakech last autumn. I remembered the fine art of haggling and theatrics with the vendor who eventually sold it to me for 40 dirhams. (A dramatic exchange worthy of an acting award. If you don't know what I mean, try doing the ukay-ukay.)

I was amused that I could wear such sandals in England. Ah, I love the smell of global warming in the muggy afternoon.

I suddenly had an overpowering food craving. And there is no greater power than a food craving. I wanted to eat Orange Chicken Tagine.

I don't know the recipe but summoning my pornographic memory, I recalled what those fine ingredients were that kissed my lips and caused me to convulse in ecstasy one fine day in Marrakech.

I went off to the grocers to recreate tonight's culinary masterpiece....

Oranges, cumin seeds, couscous, dates, olives, chili (my preference), onions....the butter is mainly for another purpose, I'm planning to reprise Brando's role in Last Tango in Paris, but it's good added to olive oil for sauteeing the chicken. home I had turmeric, cinnamon bark, black pepper....His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit who were with me in Morocco inspect the ingredients. Orange juice must be freshly squeezed and save two to make orange wedges.

Basic cooking skills follow. Saute the spices and let them get to know each other. Add the chicken pieces seared earlier and simmer in chicken stock and orange juice.

..plonk in the dates, olives, and orange wedges. I didn't have a tagine or large oven bowl so I had to slow cook them for over an hour on a normal hob. I went away to let the ingredients enjoy their orgy...

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit were impressed!

My first attempt needs refinement but it was excellent!

Gawd, when you are this good, it's really hard to be modest.

I can do more flavourful things with my cock than just adobo or tinola. Why don't you come over and I can give you a mouthful.....

He who laughs last, thinks slowest......

This is a very funny joke. It's a clever play on words so I thought I'd deliver it by means of illustrations.

And just so everyone can get the punchline (assuming there is a casual blog reader out there just above the subterranean intellect of Philippine Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez), I drew the pictures s....l.....o....w.....l.....y.

Also available here

The Nashman Studies of Motion 30: There's some serious tree-hugging going on

....deep in the cool forest lives The Nashman...

Extreme survival tip 1: This is how you sleep on a tree branch.

There is nothing more relaxing than hanging from a branch.

Extremely rare and adorable tree-climbing brown Filipino monkey from the fog-covered Cordilleras. Do your part to save endangered species. Bear his babies and have cute little brown Filipino monkeys in your own home.

Please stop cyberfondling my tits with your cursor. I'm going to lose my grip., I need to start training again. Those love handles are getting embarrassing.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Finally, The Professor and I meet.

I knew it long long ago..

With great power comes great responsibility.

And at some point in my life, I had to boldly go where no man has gone before.
(Pota pare, split infinitive yung grammar ha.)

I always knew I am gifted.

Deep inside me were powers that need to be harnessed.

Only one man can teach me.

Only one.

Professor Xavier: with my mind power, I can convince these D-list superhero wannabes that I'm walking.

Professor Xavier: I only came here for The Nashman.


The Nashman: And2 na me. Wr R U?
Prof. Xavier: On my way na.

Finally, we meet.

Professor Xavier: Join me, Nashman. I can help you.

The Nashman: Er, the queen bitch Sir Ian, I mean Magneto, met me earlier and offered me a really fancy costume plus overtime pay. And Magneto designed new very revealing thong costumes for the girls. You think you can match that?

Professor Xavier: I got the USS Enterprise. Mas bongga aking hq kaysa kay Magneto noh.

The Nashman: Uhm, I'm not into Vulcan love, but those Klingons are hot. Is it considered bestiality if I get jiggy with them? Wow, galing ng mind powers mo speaking in Tagalog ha. Teka I is confused ha. Are you here as Capt. Jean Luc-Picard or Professor Xavier? Pero whatevs, join ako.

Professor Xavier: We should talk somewhere more private. (At this point he only talks to me telepathically. Eh ano pa gamit ng superpowers namin?)

The Nashman: Yes we should. I don't know why The Penguin is here anyway. Isn't he supposed to be in Batman?

Professor Xavier: Oo nga, he is so chaka in person. Gusto ko I-warp speed mukha nya. Tara let's go na.

The Nashman: Wuhu! Beam us up Scotty!...btw Prof. X, can you ask the cleaners to vacuum this pod, Wolverine's been shedding again....and I don't want you doing that telepathic scan shit when I'm shagging Storm........and can we go on a mission to get the Silversurfer's surfboard?

Yes, stop all those F-list superheroes in that mediocre TV Series "Heroes". It's giving us real heroes a bad rep. Bring back the fancy Tranny costumes!

Yes, there will be an X-Men 4.

The Nashman has signed up for it.

The Nashman wrapped in bum-hugging, nipple-revealing, crotch-exposing sexy latex. Bet you can't wait for that.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Jesters can't dance but real geeks do.

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit reading a new book.

I asked Alan if he's signed to do The Hobbit but he said not just yet. He did tell me Sam is the favourite to take over Peter's directing chores. I replied "Isn't he doing Spiderman?" "Isn't that done?" "Oh, you think there will be no Spiderman 4?".......

How many Oscar winners can you bump into in one week?

Last Saturday I watched Florian's film about the Stasi in "The Lives of Others". It was impressive. Even more impressive was the fact that Florian's last essay while he was a student here was marked "possibly the worst essay I have ever read on politics" by his tutor. Now, Florian's like "Do you have an Oscar award, betch?"

Anyways, credit goes to my social mountaineering skills that I'm on first name basis with these guys.

Alan is of course Alan Lee. He is Tolkien's official illustrator. He also did the set design for the LOTR trilogy, King Kong, and Narnia. Tolkien was a good artist as well and I've seen the original illustrations he made of The Hobbit but Alan Lee deserves a lot of recognition for a lot of the visual imagery we now associate with the fantasy world Tolkien created.

(Anyways, enough of the Ricky Lo-style writing. It's so showbiz and it's so not me.)

Anyways, I'd like to celebrate 1067 unique hits on this blog by doing a give away. (Ok, the 516 unique hits were some rabid fans who crashed my blog looking for pictures of Elijah.)

I'm doing this as a sign of appreciation to those peeps who have so much time in their hands that they read a stranger's blog. Alam nyo naman ako, give lang ng give. Kaya wala akong kaaway. (I'd like to say that anyone named Jester is disqualified from this contest.)

But first, the contestant must answer some impossibly difficult questions. Syimpri! Ano akala nyo? Kasing dali lang ng entrance exam sa UP or Ateneo?

Here goes:
1. When is His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem's Birthday?
2. When did Gromit join the Orange Household?
3. Where is HRO Karl Willem's hometown?
4. How many times has Gromit won the Oscar?
5. How many years has The Nashman kept his celibacy and purity?

Correct answers will get this.....

A hardbound, FIRST edition copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's newest book edited by his son and just released this Wednesday. In fact it's probably the last Tolkien middle earth book to be published posthumously.

Heto ang blurbs from Tolkien expert John Garth:

"The story of The Children of Hurin had its prototype in 1914, when as a student at Oxford Tolkien tried retelling the Finnish folk-tale of ill-fated Kullervo, who unwittingly seduces his sister. By 1919, that project had been superseded and Tolkien had fused elements of Kullervo with the Teutonic dragon slayer Sigurd - the German is an outlaw saga......the prose is full of stark old words and alliteration...cruelty and brutality are explicit.....a far cry from the black and white moral landscape that critics too often decry in Tolkien's works....."

In short, you should read this before you read the Silmarillion. (And let me be honest that this is the first JRR Tolkien book I've read....)

Aaanyways, if you manage to answer the questions, we'll give you not just an ordinary copy but OUR COPY! Oh ha, mega-bonggacious na pa-premyo.

...signed by Alan Lee himself.......(Trivia: He appeared as one of The King of Men during the opening sequences to Fellowship)

One of the world's best fantasy artists dedicating a book to HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman.

...oh, ha. I'm so generous to give you our OWN copy. (The questions are so impossible anyway, we're betting we get to keep it...pero kung sa akala nyo lokohan lang ito, pag meron talagang makasagot, ipapadala ko talaga ito...Hindi naman ako sinungaling tulad ni Garci or Evil hobbit Gloria Arroyo)

HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman's copy. It's priceless!

...the book has lots of illustrations but ONLY MY copy is signed on page 97. Shet, wala nyan sa Recto.

As a bonus prize, if you can, in less than 50 words describe why you love HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman and why you think this online diary of ours is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cooler than the Jester-in-Exile and those on the Jester's blogroll, we will give you.... exclusive lunch date with The Nashman at Marosan's followed by a tour of the mean slums of Baguio where he grew up. We'll stop by Manang's turon and banana-q stand in New Lucban then go eat kikiam at Trancoville. We'll have Benguet brew at Star Cafe before heading out to dinner at that soul food place located in the side street behind Session Road and Harrison (gawd! I porgot the name!)

Ang pa-premyong ito ay approved by PAMET and the Elida Hair Institute. Kadali-daling sumali, di na kelangan ng Technorati-tag eklat chu-chu. Mga sagot ilagay sa sobre kasama ng 10 tansan ng Sioktong...pwidi rin ilagay sa comment box. (Clues: All of the answers can be found from old blog posts.)

Saturday, 21 April 2007

The Nashman Studies of Motion 29: There is a reason they call me The Nashman....

I know you like me.
I know you do.
That's why whenever I come around he's all over you.
And I know you want it.
It's easy to see.
And in the back of your mind.
I know you should be home with me.

Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your boyfriend was a freak like me?

Don't cha?
Don't cha?

Don't cha wish your boyfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your boyfriend was fun like me?

Don't cha?
Don't cha?

Thank you for choosing to fly with The Nashman. (O ha, walang CGI o camera trick yan. Hayup. Ang gleng gleng. Shet.)

...we hope you have an enjoyable journey.

....refreshments and entertainment are available. Cyberfondle The Nashman any which way you want for your pleasure. Kamangha-mangha ang mga talento ni The Nashman. Aminin.

Pucha hebigat! Sign language of "I Love You" between the legs. Grabe, mas okey pa sa alright.

The Nashman - he may be cheap, but there is no better way to get high. Mas mura pa kaysa shabu, pero mas hanep ang arrive. Pag nag-break na kayo ng syota mong ulol (kung mahilig ka rin lang sa pangit, ba't di nalang ako?), send me a text +447789845292.