Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Yesterday's news....

"So how high is the water level over the footpath?" I asked the man sitting on the canal locks, assuming him to be responsible for operating it, hence knows how the water levels are.

"Oh, just knee-level." said he.

This was manageable I thought, so I took off my shoes and waded in.

The water came up to my waist, soaking my shorts and the new shagedelic Bjorn Borg undies I was wearing.

"Shet na malagkit naman. Sabi mo hanggang tuhod!" I said to the man. (In English of course, "This isn't knee deep!")

The man stood up. I think he was at least 6'11" tall.

Fota, oo nga naman, hanggang tuhod lang NYA yung baha.

I said "Finish or not finished, pass your papers!" Well, it doesn't apply to Brian May who finishes his PhD earlier than me! Daya ha, sobrang late na yang thesis na yan!

Wow, he still alive. Kala ko patay na sya tulad ni Phoebe Cates.

I think I will sue the "Little Angels' Nursery School" in Baguio who forced me to learn to write with my wrong hand! See, it's genetics! I'm a natural lefthander! It's because of that very Catholic the "Right" symbolizes Good and the "Left" symbolizes "Bad" bollocks that they hang on to.

Well, surely future Harry Potter movies will have a sex scene. He's 18 and in a co-ed wizard boarding school! Surely, he has the right to work magic with his 'wand' with the ladies. If it mirrored reality, Daniel would happily sign up for 9 movies! Hermione, tingnan mo magic oh, yung wand ko palaki ng palaki...Gusto mo makita syang dumura?

The master of darkness, Ingmar Bergman has finally met the Grim Reaper. I hope he is in a better place. Everyone should see "The Seventh Seal"....

The Guardian editorial toon has death as Bush and new PM Brown as the crusader.

The Daily Telegraph 'toon has Bush playing chess with Death.

Monday, 30 July 2007

An Open Letter to Angel Locsin

Does this come in the Philippine Flag?

Dear Angel,

Magandang araw!

I do not (yet) know you or have the slightest clue what you actually do but my friend sent me a link about you and I saw that you are:

1. Pretty. Very.
2. Doing an 'intensive' four week 'pashun' course in London so that you can be like J.Lo and release your own swimwear/underwear line.

In your eksklusib interbyu, you say you are enjoying your 'freedom' in London, being treated like an 'ordinary' citizen. Clips were shown with you on the Tube, riding down the escalator, walking on the street, and other mundane activities that 'ordinary' people do. I must ask, don't you find it dreadful not to have an alalay around to 'make pasok the metro ticket into the yucky kadiri turnstile touched by the peasants"?

I see that you now live in the Borough of Kensington. Shame you live outside the palace with the unwashed masses. Had I known you were coming, I would have put you up in one of my posh friends' lodgings.

Anyways, I do pray that you are enjoying your stay in England. Fashion is a very demanding endeavour. It's all about inspiration and setting trends. I should know. I once wore a Penshoppe facetowel over the collars of my Bench T-shirt and suddenly, it became a craze copied by fashionistas from Pampanga to Cavite.

I know fully well that you need a burst of inspiration to come up with your own avant garde designs. I would like to invite you here to Oxbarrio as my guest. I'd like to show you a couple of very good exhibitions from where you can get that inspiration. I'm also an expert in women's underwear. I like those which easily come off. What do say we exchange notes?

Come to Oxbarrio and we'll walk hand in hand (for the paparazzi, imagine what being snapped with me will do for your career!) as we visit these two shows:

The works of these three Italians helped shape western post classical literature.

1. The Three Crowns Exhibit.
Oxbarrio is the most important place to learn Dante outside Florence. It owns priceless first editions of Commedia, made well before his rising stature compelled publishers to add the word "Divine". More importantly it has illuminated manuscripts having the most elaborate illustrations and finest calligraphy of Dante, Petrarch, and Boccaccio's literary masterpieces. It even has THE Suetonius copy that Petrarch owned and scribbled on. Allow me to read for you, in my bedroom voice, passages from Boccaccio's Decameron. This erotic and sensous obra will no doubt help you in your quest of designing swimwear to flatter the female form.

2. Stella Vine
You will love Stella Vine. Saatchi does, and he knows his art. Stella paints tongue-in-cheek portraits of celebrities spanning the whole spectrum from royalty (Lady Di) to D-list (Preston and Chantelle). You should see her larger than life Lily Cole series. The Kate Moss paintings are a must-see. This is the first time that 100 of her works are in one place. We can also talk to Stella. She knows a lot about underwear. After all, before she became modern art's enfant terible, she used to be a stripper. Hmmm, perhaps she can also give us a masterclass on how to properly take off the constricting pieces of clothing that enslave us, allowing us to reveal our true selves. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Anyways, I won't take much of your time. Heavens, no. Fashion is a very demanding industry. Blink and suddenly there's a new fad.

Please have your people call my people so we can arrange your visit,

Nagmamahal, Kapuso, at Kapamilya,

The Nashman
landline : 0870 276 1455
mobile: 07789845292

One of Stella Vine's gargantuan Kate Moss paintings

The Big Move

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit can't believe we accumulated so much garbage.

Geek babe Natalie pleads for one not to sentimentalize or romanticize the act of moving in a wonderfully eloquent and eventually ironic post.

But how can I not be sentimental? I have lived in the St. Cross Manor for three years interrupted only by two brief periods lodging elsewhere - a summer in a Victorian mansion whose more prominent tenants include various winners of Crufts as well as the then future-Crown Princess of Japan, and an autumn in Bill Clinton's old college because St. Cross Manor had a bug infestation and needed to be sprayed and quarantined. (I remember all our clothes had to be frozen to kill any bug eggs. Blame was pointed to those who went on Safari and came back with those stowaway critters.)

This small dark room hosted many decadent parties and orgies, the walls reverberated with boisterous laughter, and the bed and carpet spoiled with countless types and sources of bodily fluids and illicit drugs that if this were a crime scene in CSI, they'd need a whole season to process it.

I will also miss the convenience of being right smack in the centre of Oxbarrio - two minutes on foot to the pubs, five minutes to college, eight minutes to my lab, and three minutes to the river Cherwell.

I now live in a place at the edge of the bubble. I guess this is a good thing, apart from the very minor risk of my testicles being damaged from the long cycle ride. Oxbarrio has a very strong Reality Distortion Field that drops exponentially away from the centre. I need to be weaned slowly before finally breaking out of this bubble into the real world.

Eventually, we managed to move all the shit to our new place. When we think about it, we only ever really need to keep four important things: our integrity, The Nashman's passport, the Macbook (mainly what's inside the hard drive), and the unbreakable bond that HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman share.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit, sleep one last time at St. Cross Manor.

....and all that is left is this. But mark our words, when we become famous like F-listers Gretchen Barreto or Ruffa Gutierrez, the National Trust will put a blue plaque outside this room saying how a naive but loveable Igorot from the mean slums of Baguio started his path to greatness here..(actually, Cambridge might stake their own claim to recruiting me first, but then again, there is a reason I defected...)

The gate to our new place. The uberBlonde graciously went to and fro twice so we can move.....

...our junk from there to here.....

....seriously, we can survive without all this garbage.

At the end of the day, even rubber ducky was very tired from all the shuttling and carrying shit up three flights of stairs. We needed a relaxing warm water soak....

The Nashman in a relaxed state.

Sunday, 29 July 2007

We're going to miss our neighbours!!!!

We, The Nashman, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, and PA/PR Gromit, are sad to be moving out of the St. Cross Mansion and leaving our neighbours, the dead people of Holywell Cemetery.

We managed to compose ourselves for a very tearful goodbye.

We see dead people. HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit spent many quiet hours in this old graveyard. It's just so relaxing, and the natives are an amusing bunch. We like it best during a full moon. The shadows cast by the trees and the gravestones, the gentle night breeze, and the footsteps of the local wildlife stimulate our senses.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit send email to Kenneth Grahame, author of The Wind in the Willows, one of the eminent and more recent tenants of this 18th century graveyard. Holywell Cemetery is perhaps one of the few resting places that has WiFi. It's refreshing to come here to hack one or two pages of The Nashman's thesis. I'm sure the dearly departed appreciate the ability to Twitter/Blog/Cybersex from their graves.

Where are HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit? We love playing a game of hide and seek here! There are so many places to hide! We'd spend hours and hours just messing about. We think the dead people enjoy our company so much that often, they follow us home for tea. Incidentally, in da Pelepens kong minamahal, there is a more lucrative version of this game called Hide Intsik. Basically, you take one Intsik, hide him away, make a phone call, and then wait. The game ends when you get a bag full of cash.

The graveyard also sustains our berry addiction!!! We come here to pick those very sweet and juicy wild berries! It's the circle of life at its finest! As you can see, PA/PR Gromit stretches out to pluck a handful of ripe berries, with a little bit of help from The Provost of Oriel College's headstone. Thank you sir.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit assure the locals that we will come visit them often as we will still pass by them during our daily cycle commute to the lab..

Saturday, 28 July 2007

When this field's a'shakin, don't come a'knockin...

If the Thames Surge Barriers failed...mmmm, me likey likey (BBC/Richard Doyle)

It's so stressful moving to a new place. All that packing and lifting and unpacking. Fortunately, my friend, The ├╝berBlonde* one, is having marital problems. So to take her mind off her impending messy divorce, I asked if she could help me move and be my chauffeur and kargador for the day. (*No lame blonde jokes please, she has a biochemistry undergrad and a PhD in Physics and is joining the forensic team of Scotland Yard in a month.)

I keep getting texts from da concerned parents/aunts/ex gf (tse, hindi na tayo magkakabalikan no kaya tama na yang pagkukunwari.) asking how I am with all the flood waters around me. I don't know what doomsday television (probably CNN or NBC) they are watching but it's really not that dramatic here.

Sure, the water is impressively high but the Anglos are very calm people. There is damage, yes and refugees, yes. But one must also remember that this is frigging Oxbarrio! A jewel in the crown. If France has to be invaded to protect the land of Tolkien, Alice in Wonderland, Hogwart's School, Lyra, et al from the waters, it will happen. Oxbarrio is completely surrounded by water, but that is the strategy, allow the lands around it to flood to protect the centre. This is the same scheme used by Holland. Sacrifice the pawns to save the queen.

Hmmm, on second thought, this is also the SAME scheme used in Manila......however, only if your village is named Forbes and your last name has at least one pretentious hyphen.

Of course even my beloved city of Baguio, which shouldn't even be flooded coz it on top of de boondocks experiences such troubles during the typhoon season. It's basically because we had administrators with a chronic cement addiction. (I told you not to snort that stuff, esse. It packs your wallet but ruin your brain. A pine tree made of cement? Why, what a great idea!) Instead of the runoffs being delayed by ground absorption, they rush over the cement toward small drainages. Multiply this 1000 times and you have a body of water that is very destructive with its speed and quantity.

Aaaanyways, enough 'bout the bad.

Some very raunchy images.

Cow porno time!

Put on some Barry White mu-zeeek, and let's get it on!

Nothin’ and nobody
Baby, could ever take or stop
The love that I have for you
It’s very simple, you see it’s
Baby, it’s real
It’s so, so real
What I feel

Uh, ah, can’t you see I want it
Mooh, uh, girl, I’ve been lon-lonely
Mooh, mooh, got to, got to hold you
Mooh, mooh, got to make love to you

Proof that even cows like meat....

Yeah, give her some of that beef jerky...

Those thigh muscles are to die for....

Friday, 27 July 2007

The Nashman Studies of Motion 33: Jumping on the bed

My girl friend J.D. said she wanted to paint me nude.

I thought, hmm, ok. (As if naman I will say no to her. She's one of my hottest friends kaya. So I'll do anything to be on her good side.)

And so as I stayed still, contorting my body into a classical posture, my heart raced with anticipation. I waited for her to undress.

I think there is nothing more erotic than a naked girl painting your portrait.

J.D. stared at me.

It turns out it was ME who was supposed to be nude.

English is such a funny language, innit?

Anyways, beds - they are made for jumping. So this is The Nashman, dangly bits and all, trying to test if this particular mattress conforms to international kid-pretending-to-be-a-professional-wrestler bed standards. Yes, there is always a child inside all of us.


...bombs away.....


...that actually hurts....

..a perfect landing..

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Hush! Ye of little faith!

Another Promil Baby (wow, this is getting to be a series)

"MANILA, Philippines -- Foreign activists who will join rallies during next week's meetings of Southeast Asian foreign ministers in Manila will be arrested and deported, Philippine immigration authorities warned Thursday.

"Foreigners have no business joining rallies here as it is tantamount to interfering in our country's domestic political activities," Immigration Commissioner Marcelino Libanan said in a statement.

His comments came after dozens of foreigner activists joined Filipinos on Monday as they marched in the capital against President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's State of the Nation address in Congress."

I have joined two anti-war rallies as a 'foreigner' in England. If this idiotic Marcelino Libanan is to be followed, I should have been deported ages ago. The ASEAN meeting is not a DOMESTIC activity. Duh, hello!!! Kaya nga ASEAN eh, so apektado lahat ng nasa ASEAN. So kung may nag-rally na Vietnamese sa Manila, karapatan nya yon.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel herself ensured that protesters will be allowed to travel close to the G8 meeting a couple of months ago. In the first place, these people are the real stakeholders.

It's what's called democracy. For as long as these foreigners are peaceful, let them have a go expressing freedom of speech. Wherever you are in the world, you shouldn't get arrested for it

Do you want to be first world? Then have some first world thinking.

Marcelino Libanan, you are a Promil Baby! The list of idiotic people in GMA's cabinet is growing. Puppies please, you think you have the moral high ground to be in the UN Human Rights Commission?

Tabloids. Harbingers of Good Tidings.

For the love of god! Where are all the flesh eating zombies! I want them here and I want them now!

MegaLotto Jackpot Winner Found

Answers to Questions from our last competition:

1. Why is it useless to go OVER 3GB of RAM

Because for a 32-bit system (which 99% of us have) the maximum addressable memory locations is 4GB. A computer needs to allocate some of those not just to RAM but to other IO devices. With a physical ram of 4GB you'll be lucky to get to use 3GB. (And take note, same is still true for 64-bit computers)

To the person who boasted to me that he is a better man because he has a computer with 4GB of RAM I say these words Tanga! Basahin mo maigi yang Jolina notebook mo!

2. Undies? What undies? The Nashman doesn't sleep with undies. The garter restricts blood flow. The same reason women shouldn't sleep wearing bras.

The winner is Mang Ed, who HASN'T even scored half a point.

But then again, he as at least 7 Palanca Awards next to his collection of Baguio Barrel Men. So shut up nalang kayo at kung gusto nyo mag-complain, please file with The Comelec. I'm sure they will act on your protest quickly and with the impartiality and lucidity of thought that they are known for.

I will send it soon once the floods have receded and the postmen are no longer on strike.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

This is like a long drawn out telenovela....the anticlimax is killing me.

You know what I'd really like to happen?

That we'd be totally cut off and some weird scary disease from one of our biochemistry or genetics labs leaks into the flood waters then one by one people become zombies and then it's a fight to survival.

Yes, I'd love for that to happen.

The road is closed. Mutants have overrun the city. Prime Minister declares Oxbarrio a no-go zone! Military called in to shoot locals who have been 'transformed'.

I canceled my trip to the Greek Islands this year. At the rate the rain and floods are coming, we'll have our own little island here in the middle of merry old England.

Thankfully, come hell or high water, those enterprising Oriental brothers still deliver. Wah, ka-het kayo baha, kami delibah pala de luki nekosyo.

It's disgusting I know, all those trans-fats. But if it were so bad, why does it taste goodah.

Fota, fortune by yan!!!!!!!!!! It's more like a salawikain (quotation) than a fortune.

Baha! Baha! Baha!

Overheard in the 9th Century:
Alfred the Great: Do ye thynk that thys flood pleyn in the myddle of two ryvers, a good pleys to byld a cytie?
Boplaximus, the court architect: Whye, yessss my Lord! Fyne ryver views! Imagyne the ynvestment!

The NashFeet immersed in the tonic floodwaters of the Rivers Cherwell and Isis. Buti nalang hindi eto Espana sa harap ng UST. Walang lumulutang na ebak..

Oxbarrio natives react to impending doom lapping up their flood defenses the same way that Baguio natives react to artistas walking down Session Road.

"Oh, is that so? Fancy a cup of tea?" ("O? Sya ba yun? Baket ang panget nya in person?" or more accurately "Kasdiay laeng gayam.")

Yesterday's predicted flood surge didn't materialise but the Thames and Cherwell are, hmm, 1.75 inches higher today. (How do I know the exact figure? Ah, sumasayad na kasi titi ko sa tubig while making tawid kanina.)

Who would have thought we could park our boat thisclose to the pub eh? Red Horse on da rocks please!

Remind me for my own safety, is the river on the right OR on the left of the bench? As if naman it makes a difference to me na hindi marunong lumangoy.

The Cherwell flood defenses depend on these brave kids. Oy, kung gusto nyo mag-lunch with water underneath you, I think merong restaurant sa Pampanga na ganyan ang gimik.

She's never been this wet before....Dalhin ko kaya friend ko na si Marie dito? Balita ko kse natuyuan na siya.

Fedex delivery boy: "Er, someone sent a lake. Will someone please sign for it."

I AIN'T going to cross that. That is the mighty river Thames on BOTH sides of the barriers. Baka sa Manila bay na ako pupulutin.