Friday, 31 August 2007

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit Curate a Photo Exhibition

People say The Nashman is a difficult person to work with. This probably stems from the fact that I'm impulsive and more importantly because methinks half-measures are not worth the effort. Isa sa mga dahilan kaya hindi po ako gumagamit ng instant sinigang mix. Hindi po ako nandadaya sa pagluluto, tandaan mo yan Joey de Leon.

If you think I'm so demanding, wait till you have the chance to work with His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit who were invited recently to curate a photo exhibition in the Bohemian Arty-Farty enclave of Sta. Tereza. These two dawgs demand no less than the best. We don't demand perfection though as that is just boring. It's the small surprises that make life interesting. What HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit want is for their guests to fully enjoy the ride.

PA/PR Gromit lays out the shortlisted photographs.

Mounting an exhibition can be stressful, so PA/PR Gromit diffuses the tension with laughter. This time he is wearing a silly carnaval neckdress.

PA/PR Gromit examines the sequence of photographs carefully.

The eve of the exhibition opening, PA/PR Gromit was very nervous and couldn't sleep. He always does the worrying for us because he has an OC streak.

PA/PR Gromit and HRO Karl Willem wake up early for final preparations.

The Nashman, capitalising on his fame, contributed this art installation entitled "Kahon na Aluminum". Ganun naman diba, basta sikat ka ng kahit konti lang, or kahit hindi ka sikat basta kapalmuks, lokohan nalang ang output, lagyan mo lang ng pa-intellectual hifalutin metaphysical blurbs, pwede mo ng ipasang art.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are happy with the exhibition.

First off, we thank our sponsors. If you can read that text, you will notice that we are supported by all the possible acronyms you can think of.

At 7pm, one by one the punters arrive. Eventually, a hundred people show up. Pero judging from the outfit ni titah above, obvious na hindi sya collector at hindi natin siya mabebentahan. Siguro pumunta lang siya tonight for our free cocktails. Nagkukunwari lang siya na gets nya the two-dimensional pictures while waiting for the food to be served.

The pica-pica foods.

A rare personal rant:

I will explain before I complain, meron po kaming kaibigan na self-titled "photographer". Kami naman po ay never na ipinagyabang na kami ay 'photographer'. Kami po ay taong may hawak ng mumurahing camera na mahilig kumuha ng litrato. Hindi po sa pagmamayabang pero ilan po sa aming mga litrato ay na-publish na (under anonymous ha), at sasabihin rin po namin na mahigit sa kahalati ng aming mga kuha ay mga wala ring kwenta. Anyways, balik po tayo sa aming kaibigan na self-titled 'photographer' na di hamak naman na mas mura ang camera. Madalas po nya kaming pilitin na panoorin ang kanyang mga walang kwentang slide shows. Bale kukuha po siya ng widescreen na litrato pero vertical ang alignment, naka-sentro ang subject, at gagawing sepia. Ito raw ay ehemplo ng mahusay na photography.

Gusto ko po lamang liwanagin na ang 'art' para sa amin ay kanya-kanyang etchas. Hindi tayo pare-pareho ng trippings. Ang kinaiinisan ko lamang ay ang 'photographer' na ito na nagpapadala sa aking email account ng 5Mb na panoramic aspect ratio na patayo na ginawang sepia na ang subject ay ang panget niyang mukha at kini-claim na ito ay 'artistic'. Potang-ena, ang dami ko pang importanteng emails na hindi natanggap dahil pinuno mo ang aking inbox ng walang kwentang self-portraits. Padala mo nalang yan sa Kimberley Clarke baka gusto nila ng bagong embossed logo para sa kanilang toilet paper.

Am I a diva or what?

Just woke up to a ringing phone.

A job offer.

Told him to ring back as I haven't brushed my teeth and probably have morning breath (not that any of my exes have said so.)

Duh, it's a phone call you muppet.

Thursday, 30 August 2007

Awan met dagiti al-alya (Where them ghosts at?)

You'd think that living for four years next to a graveyard, I'd at least had the chance to see/feel/hear a ghost. But nooooooo. All those "haunted house/malevolent ghost" movies set in gloomy England that I watched as a kid gave me false hopes! You mean to tell me all those Scooby Doo adventures are not based on fact? What's the point of all those Shake, Rattle, and Roll movies?

I've been arriving home just past midnight for the last couple of days, dismounting my bicycle to walk across the graveyard and not a single spine tingling experience!

I live in a 1900s mansion with 11 rooms, only five of which are occupied, having lots of dark and narrow hallways, and I was hoping that there'd be some of the "others" lurking around but noooooooooo. Nada. Nothing. Nyet. Awan. For fun, I'd turn off the lights at 1am and walk around the halls asking them poltergeists to at least make their presence felt. Nothing.

Ok, maybe the fact that I don't believe in ghosts scare them away. But fricking c'mon! How am I supposed to doubt their non-existence and question my lack of faith if they won't help out. It's not as if I'm not trying hard enough.

There's nothing more welcoming than a black pussy on top of a gravestone.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Hidden Camera footage of The Nashman

The raunchy video the Catholic Bishops Conference of The Philippines doesn't want you to see.

Turn the volume up and listen carefully to the shocking exchange between The Nashman and a deep penetration agent.

"This is more scandalous than the Garci tapes!" - Senator Panfilo Lacson, envious.

"I'd like to say something seemingly profound yet on close scrutiny reveals that I'm just a pretentious twat."
- Senator Chiz "Puro Porma" Escudero, at a loss for words.

"The Nashman? I don't know him. He doesn't fly economy. Hey, are you going to blame Greece burning on me too? Is it coz I is fat?" - Malu Fernandez

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Inside information for Clinton

I just applied for a job shelving books. It probably pays £6.08/hour tax exempt. It's a great gig, lifting books tones the muscles and you can do everything while listening to your mp3 player. Plus, just imagine all those hot girls asking for your help in finding de Sade's The 120 Days of Sodom.

Apo Kabunian, panga-asim, please give me this job! I'm tethering on the edge of poverty and I need it!

Anyways I dug up the following nice bits of info:

1. Median annual salary by majors, Philippines.

2. Median annual salary by School, obvious ba na sa Philippines?

3. Median annual salary by School, for da adopted homeland. Ipagpalagay nating I went to two of these schools, the additive law applies ba?

4. Median annual salary by majors, Switzerland. This is where ECEs should go! Binabarat lang tayo diyan sa mga PEZA....

5. Average vacation weeks. This is obviously France. They have 35-hour work weeks, 2-hour lunches, half day Friday, and yet they get paid to go on holiday for 6 weeks. Hindi ba socialism at its finest? (Baka hindi na magtagal. Last week lang, Sarko is making sipsip to Bush. Yuck.)

Another Dogs' Day Out: Mariana

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit release some images of their official visit to the city of Mariana, the oldest city of Minas Gerais.

Mariana is a mining town named after the queen of Portugal, Maria Ana of Austria. If you are wondering why a Hapsburg ended up far west, alalahanin na sila ay professional suppliers ng mga royal babies. Wherever there is a royal domain, expect a Hapsburg vagina knocking on your door tomorrow.

Pero take note, if any of my self proclaimed Mindanao 'royalty' acquaintances claim Hapsburg lineage lulunurin ko sila sa Lake Lanao. Please, utang ng loob, 2007 na po. Tama na ang pagkukunwari about your sultanate. The Philippines is a Republic. Everyone is born equally, protected by our meritocratic constitution. Ang kinikilala ko lang na Datu ay si Puti. Lahat ng barangay merong "princess" tulad ni Loren Legarda. Pleeze, baka nabili nyo lang sa Recto yang royal lineage nyo. Ako nga hindi ko pinagyayabang ang aking Medici heritage kahit proven ito ng mitochondrial DNA analysis....

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit about to enter the Sala of the Ex-Presidents.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit in the intimate Camara.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit on the steps of the Camara.

...on the steps of one of the many baroque churches...

...baroque, it's everywhere.

Why The Nashman needs a camera with a powerful Zoom Lens: Exhibit C

I'm telling y'all. Unless you start donating serious money for a new camera with 10X optical zoom, I'm going to bombard you all with mediocre images.

View from my lab 1. Let's go topless! The Nashman only has 4x zoom. He won't see the peak markers!

View from my lab 2. I hope The Nashman is taking a clear picture! It's such a waste to flash him without leaving photo evidence.

Broad street 1. I hope The Nashman takes a photo of my assets.

Broad Street 2. Me walking the twins so The Nashman can take a picture.

South Bank 1. Auditionees for Crying Ladies 2.

South Bank 2. Nag-ahit pa ako ng legs ha dahil ayaw ko makunan ng litrato na hindi makinis ang legs. Sayang, 4x lang zoom ni Nashman, kahit ibukaka natin ala rin.

Tate Modern. Dios ko, dalawang pares ng kambal. Huwag mong ilayo mga mata mo sa kanila. Paano sila mababantayan kung 4x lang zoom mo?

Monday, 27 August 2007

Signs, signs, everywhere the signs. Blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that. Can't you read the sign?

Seriously, if I wanted to engage in behavior of a sexual nature in a dirty and public place, I'd get myself a girl from The Ateneo de Manila University. They're way filthier.

How do you advertise anything to all demographics?

Tape the ad on an Atenista's crotch. It's always open to the public.

Bloggers are the new journalists daw.......(hand me the barf bag please)

Random factoids accrued during the course of the day that have no bearing on the Philippine trade deficit but I share here anyway because contrary to the cliques of the Philippine Blogosphere, blogs are just blogs where people, like me, can post useless facts. No pseudo-intellectual babble or paid review of yesterday's technology here!

Watching Hamilton's tyre get spectacularly shredded at the Turkish Grand Prix, I discovered that Oxbarrioshire is HQ to four Formula 1 teams: Renault, Williams, Honda, and Honda Super Aguri. Also, Kimi Raikkonen and Fernando Alonso live here. The aerodynamics of the McLaren are crunched by SGI (same computers that rendered Toy Story, Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Shrek). The downward force on F1 cars means they can be driven upside down in a tunnel roof given a minimum speed of 140mph.

A tyre cornering or braking experiences a g force of 5, an average sneeze produces a g-force of 2.9. (Imagine the impact crater if you had 1000 Kiko Pangilinan's sneezing at the same time!)

Tom Quad is part of the Royal Domain. This means unless the Queen or her appointed muchacho explicitly approves it, the police have no jurisdiction in this area. As a result, students engage in all sorts of illegal activities here, buggery, Class A-B drug use, openly expressing admiration for Pope Benedict XVI, urinating on the Mercury pond, etc...

Sunday, 26 August 2007

Parang Kahapon Lang....

My my, how we've all grown up. Bilis tumangkad ah...hmmmmm..

A kasla idi kalman laeng Manong Juan Tenorio.

Back then, fishballs were only 25 centavos a piece and you'd see me walking up and down Session Road wearing my fake "USED" jeans (aminin, you had it too) and my hair spiked up with Spraynet listening to the mind blowing new song from Menudo ("It's an explosion, my love for you....") on my Sony walkman.

Saturday afternoons were spent making mixed tapes, listening to DWHB or Casey Casem's Top 40. An overused blank cassette inserted in the recorder and finger on the play button, ready to push it once the current 'most requested song' starts playing. I remember how annoyed we'd be when the DJ starts blabbering before the song actually finishes. Panda ballpens were used to manually rewind these cassettes, which at 20 pesos were expensive and so you wanted every inch of tape utilised, the next song immediately segueing in, no silent pauses between tunes.

Back to school on Monday, you'd be a hit with the girls if you successfully got a clean recording of the current hit single or if you managed to have your one-fourth piece of paper read by the DJ "This newxt sowng iz requested by..... dedicated to........" on the appointed time. Suddenly, they all want you to sign their homemade autograph notebooks answering questions like "Most embarassing moment" and "Who is your crush" using the lamest of codes. When they finally decipher it, which you really want, you get teased and paired with your crush and if you play your cards right, you'll get to join her on the jeepney ride home. Come saturday you're off on a group date. Depending on how much allowance you saved, this could mean bavarians at Mister Donut or a cheeseburger at Benedict's. Brushing your shoulder against her while walking was considered first base. By group date, this means you, the girl, and 3 hangers on who act as your support team. Eventually the girl will end up with one of these 'bridges'.

In elementary, it was the geekettes such as Maria Lovelyn Corpuz, Mia Alma Batcagan, Michelle Quitania, Eileen Flora, Mary Grace Galinato, and Verna The Ballerina who stood out. The queues to be on their good side were as long as lunchtime line at Tummy Fillers. I can only imagine how many corny letters they got from 'secret admirers' each day.

If your phone number began with 442 this meant you were lucky enough to be so close to the only one Piltel line that serviced the entire barangay. It didn't matter how much you used your phone, you paid a flat rate. Consequently, courtships were done over the phone. Friends with landlines were always popular for sleepovers. You have a phone, we're overnighting at your place on Friday.

We didn't have a phone line but we did have Nuvue cable and so this made our shanty popular with the kanto sunog bagas who came M-W-F-S to watch the clearest PTV-4 reception in Baguio for basketball. When basketball wasn't on, catfights would break out between me and my teenage aunts who wanted to watch Alma Moreno gyrate in leotards while I preferred Battlestar Galactica and V.

The cold months of December involved overnight camping within the safe confines of Camp John Hay. The boys' tents will be pitched on Lower Scout Hill while the girls' camp will be on Upper Scout Hill. At night, an impassable neutral zone existed between the camps composed of rows of tents occupied by spinster teachers. Crossing that line at night meant a long boring talk with the school chaplain in his tent. It didn't matter much that we couldn't play with the girls after dinner as we'd gather around to do a circle wank over the campfire. You'd think this was so gay, clusters of boys masturbating in a circle but this is a great coming of age tradition. Well, ok maybe 2R who went around 'helping' others climax did turn out to be gay. Whatever, once you do the group wank, you are friends forever. Today, you have us to thank for the rude health of those pine trees in that patch of forest.

Fota, ka-sentihan. Kape muna.....

Just like yesterday once more. Hit me baby one more time. Ooooh, let's do that kinky thing we do where you electrocute me then lock me up in a cabinet. It so turns me on....(photo from Pep).

Why The Nashman needs a camera with a powerful Zoom Lens: Exhibit B

Totoy, tumabi-tabi ka muna diyan......

Ayan, Dios ko po ano yon?

Ang bungad ng langit!

Hello, pwidi paki buksan naman yung gate at baka pwede kang mag-donate para sa bagong zoom lens.....

Friday, 24 August 2007

Blah blah blah

Three day weekend!

Not quite. Running experiments over the weekend. Hopefully my last major one.

I've probably consumed a whopping £42,000+ for my research and surely I can start writing my thesis. Mahiya naman ako kay Madir Elizabeth II kung wala output. Aba, nagtitipid na nga ang Reyna by turning off the lights every night. Gumagamit na rin sila ng tupperware to store leftovers.

I've always taken for granted how well financed graduate studies here are. I'm very very grateful especially since most labs back home can only dream about getting this much funding for blue skies research. As in to buy something worth £3000 at a time, isang pirma lang at walang red tape. Actually, nagbiro lang ako one time na masakit sa likod ko yung upuan, the following day, the secretary got a £380 ergonomic chair for me. Naiyak naman ako sa tuwa. Sabi ko "Fota, idiay SLU, research budget na nila yan for one year!"

Cross my fingers my last data will be good. If it's positive, I'm frigging gonna buy ya all Wagyu burgers from Selfridges followed by cocktails at Mahiki.

I've been actively looking for part time minimum wage jobs. Yung di na kelangang gamitin masyado ang utak while working. My ideal job would be at a bookstore/library or music store shelving books and records. £6.15 an hour is way below my usual talent fee but I only want no more than 14 hours per week. It's going to my Nepal fund. I hope to be there in February. If I don't raise enough money, eh di Flowerfest nalang sa Baguio. Actually i-abolish na sana yang Baguio Flowerfest, it has gotten way too big and too commercial plus the truckloads of garbage it attracts, literally and metaphorically, stinks up the city.

I'm also getting agitated as the summer ebbs, the leaves turn orange, and the days get shorter because I need to seriously evaluate long term prospects before winter and I haven't really decided.

Hand in heart, I want to stay in science and will pass on consulting and investment banking jobs for the moment. Pero, after four years of poverty, the glitter of big hedge fund bonuses is very difficult to ignore. Plus I look really good in slim cut Zegna suits.

I'm casually browsing for Europe and Singapore/Japan gigs. My dear adviser has said I should spread my net a little bit more and have a look at the good ole United States of North America. I googled employee benefits for a New York Uni and they ONLY give 12 days off. Ano yon lokohan? Bakit and EU standard eh 35 days paid leave? Tsaka hindi ba dangerous sa USA dahil lahat sila dun may baril?

Comparing tax rates, rents, cost of living, social life, cultural events, pension,blah blah across different cities is so stressful. Sigh, I wish I were younger!

Thankfully, we have a saying in da Pelepens - "Bahala na...."

Shet. Totally incoherent this blog post. So unlike me. Makapunta nga muna sa pub for a pint....

Da, it's true comrades. Mikhail Gorbachev is the new model for LV. I opened Tyler's, he of Wallpaper fame, new magazine and was nagulantang by this Liebovitz photo. Mikhail is so sexy. So much hotter than that "Ikaw ba yan?/Look at my mole" lolo.

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit 'invite' some birds for dinner. We don't even need the whole bird, the breast or one leg will do. Mmmmm.

Our mansion actually borders the River Thames but the housekeeper says we don't have a footpath that leads directly to the river from the expansive grounds.....

..but this tree has fallen over the fence, providing a shortcut for a skilled brown monkey like The Nashman. I've been climbing trees since I was young, this is a walk in the park.

...ah, my new favourite quiet spot for making muni-muni.

If you are but a mere..... extra, you don't get to see your name spelled out. Anne, is that you darling? The Nashman wears Prada too you know and don't worry, unlike that husband of yours in Brokeback Mountain, I do pussy.

I was born two decades too late...

...because they had better music, better clothes, better drugs, better shags....

Mojo commemorates the year Hendrix came to England, bought amps from a man named Jim Marshall, and brought Clapton, Townsend, and Jeff Beck to their knees...