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Sunday, 30 September 2007

To the newbies, we welcome you with what Oxbarrio Uni is known for.....



...alcohol. Lots and lots of it.


HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit wear their name tags and encourage everyone to do the same so we can get to know each other better.

HRO Karl Willem welcomes 85 new students at our college who passed the admissions interview. (We don't do multiple choice exams here. Kalokohan lang ang exams. As usual maraming mga tsika-babes..mmmm.)

PA/PR Gromit ready to pour the booze. You see, unlike UP Sigma Rho, we are a little bit more civilised and don't haze our freshers. (As they are not vetted yet, they can't drink from fine cut glasses. Plastic cups muna para sa mga bagong salta baka hindi pa maalam ng social graces...)

Tonight's damage: 25 large pizzas, 4 cases of beer, 25 bottles of white wine, 25 bottles of red, 10 liters of orange juice, one vomit stained rug, a couple of deflowerments, 3 Nashman dinner dates (which we need to fit into a packed October). Ok, maybe we don't haze freshers but we punish their livers....

Start the day right....

I would not have survived this hectic life if it were not for the organisational skills of PA/PR Gromit. When HRO Karl Willem and I arrived in Oxbarrio from the boondocks we were just struggling to optimise our calendar. Now everything runs so smoothly. 

Don't ya just love Gromit? Even on Sundays, I wake up to find my narajana freshly squeezed over fine ice, my jamaican blue mountain coffee ready to press, and a big chinese fried rice slap up. Seize the day! HRO Karl Willem is already online answering our emails.

Saturday, 29 September 2007

Burma



What is going on inside the head of a soldier who shoots at an unarmed man whose only 'fault' is to march on the streets peacefully to demand freedom and dignity?

Fuck the Chinese and Indian governments for supporting a violent junta. (And while we are at it, fuck the British and the USA governments for doing the same in other nations.)

Stop the weapons trade!

Friday, 28 September 2007

Even God herself thinks Pope Benedict is so fugly......


She sent a gust of wind to fashion a hijab to cover the pope's face. I must say, I like the new look.
I talked to God last night (O ha, kala nyo sina GMA, JDV, SiRaulo Gonzalez lang ang may direct line kay God. Ako rin noh, collect call pa) and asked him "Lord, why don't you just take Pope Benedict para may kalaro si Cardinal Sin? Siguro si Ben Abalos nagbilang nung last Papal Elections, parang nadaya eh. Impossible namang ang pagkafanget na fez ni Benedict and inendorse mo?" God replied "My dear child, in these times my son was right: Blessed are the blind for they see not how ugly the pope is...."

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Gray's Anatomy: Primetime British TV

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Warning: Images of surgery. Might not be suitable for the squeamish

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I'm thinking of getting a penis enlargement but the £10,000 cost is beyond my reach.

On second thought, if I did have such money I think I'll be happy to stick with my 2-inch brown trouser earthworm and pimp up a combi van instead. (And I'm sure with rising property prices I reckon my girlfriend would rather we use it as a downpayment for a small flat located in a good neighborhood. I can always give her head for that mind blowing see-the-face of God orgasm.)

Anyways, to educate those of you in da Pelepens whose media is heavily regulated by the puritanical MTRCB resulting in crap shite shows on primetime, I'm going to post some screenshots. (Sige, nood lang tayo ng nood ng mga telenobela, tangalog movies na walang katuturan, at showbiz news, makakatulong yan upang tayo ay umangat patungo sa perst world status.)


The doctor measures the flaccid penis.....

...and stretches it to see the maximum expansion it can take...

...cuts a hole and inserts some fat around the shaft.

If you think that was whack, this is what vaginal reconstructive surgery looks like. The patient is a 25 year old mother of two who wants to regain the virginal pekpek of yesteryear.


The doctor stretches the periphery...(presurgery the puki was like an "O", sumisingaw pards, the goal would be to make it an "I")

...uses an ordinary marker to identify the part of the sagging labia that is then removed....

With smaller labias accomplished, the doctor then stretches the pekpek, staples them in place, and tightens the hymen permanently with a stitch.

..the clitoris is also restored.

Rant


Were it not for the cold, I'd be outside admiring the full moon. I'm being a sissy, staying indoors. Thank Baal for large windows. (Don't cha love our art deco chandelier?)

Free Burma! If we looked at the map today and pointed out the failed states led by bling-heavy dictators you'd see the dirty hands of the Chinese government . Mugabe would have been deposed ages ago were it not for the Chinese aid. Same story with Sudan and practically every wretched African nation. Non-selective Chinese investment is propping up demented kleptocracies. And now, we have this violence going on in Burma. And who is funding the Burmese military junta? The Chinese Government of course who are more than happy to sell them weapons. (Of course we could say the same thing about the USA, they who funded all sides as well as bystanders of the Iran-Iraq war.....). Ugh. We should all unite to stop these evil governments from selling guns that we use to kill each other.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Emo song for the day....


The first time I loved forever/Was when you whispered my name/And I knew at once you loved me/For the me of who I am.....For all my life and forever/There's a truth I'll always know/When my world divides and shatters/Your love is where I'll go.

Riskyu me.


Parang love, you'll find it where you least expect it.

Melissa, my housemate, set off the fire alarm last night just as I was about to fall into dreamland. She was making hitit a cigar which I declined earlier in the evening because it was not a proper Cuban. (Mukha ba akong unsophisticated? I only smoke the real thing. Kung hindi rin lang Cohiba or Romeo y Julieta yung tabako bakit ko susunugin baga ko?) And because the caretaker (yes, we have a caretaker, it's not called The Mansion for nothing, innit?) is away on vacation, no one knew what the access codes were for the security system. So the alarm wailed and wailed and wailed and we stood outside in the cold in near nakedness (parang ang tanga namin ano dahil wala naman talaga sunog at we can go in to get thicker clothes pero nakakabingi talaga yung alarm) until not only did a university security team arrive but also a huge red firetruck, lights a-blazing carrying proper fireman. (Sayang Ashley, wala ka dito. Alam kong fetish mo ang malalaking men in uniform). Yun pala 1234 lang ang security code to reset it. Ay gaddit.

The Nashman is like an m&m...melt in your mouth goodness.


Kung brown chocolate ang hilig niyo, mas masarap ang The Nashman.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Lilibeth is back....with a vengeance...mmmmm


Cate as Lissy I. Hotness. I got my premiere invites and I is raring to go. Cate is the best thang to come out of Oz since Kylie's bum.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age involves the era when England was bankrupt and Philip II was sending libidinous monks to the Philippines. Ah, don't you miss the glory days of beloved Espana? I hold no grudges mi amigos, afterall you guys didn't get up the Cordilleras until it was too late and Uncle Sam came marching in.

Don't cha love how specific Brit movie classifications are? And what's this? An English period drama produced by a French studio? Treason! Whatever, they're both good at making costume dramas....and since this is a Frenchie production, will Cate show her boobies????

I also got invited to a private viewing of Mayumi Masaya's art installation. Sadly, HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are unable to make it on the 29th. Hopefully we can still see it during its public run. We don't mind mingling with the civilians anyway.

The placebo effect works! Come, let me insert my healing needle! Dumudura pa!

This obviously refers to Filipinos. I was in the queue at Sainsbury's the other day when this kababayan pretended not to notice the long line and jumped in front. Hay naku, so Pinoy. (Obvious na Pinoy kasi Gap ang damit.)

Monday, 24 September 2007

Poverty is the mother of invention

...and we are not complaining. I think we've been eating healthier cuisine because we've been doing a lot of our meals from scratch.

Tonight HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit saw that we had a bag of flour and decided to make a focaccia/pizza hybrid with tomato base, mozzarella, some shrooms, pepper, herbs de provence, and olive oil.


HRO Karl Willem supervises the topping ceremony while PA/PR Gromit looks on, glass of amontillado on hand.

Voila! A very healthy wholemeal creation by the dawgs.

Pop in the oven while The Nashman soaks in the tub for half an hour.

Mmmmm. Respec, yo.

An action picture of The Nashman....


....hindi yung nasa taas nung alon, yung nasa rightmost, naghihirap mag-paddle out...

Sunday, 23 September 2007

It's raining hobbits in middle earth.


I can't see the RadCam and All Souls Tower from my window.....

...and HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit declare it unsafe to venture out, making it a stay at home and bury yourself in the duvet day. I don't care that I don't have a girlfriend to lie in with and cuddle, I have a feather down duvet betch.

Our college tutor has a new book out despite telling us over dinner that he was semi-retiring from the travel documentary/writing business. (It's not the Tourette's book, duh). I harbor aspirations of being a travel filmmaker/writer. I think going around the world is a dream job. Only two problems stand in my way. First is I'm not a good writer. I have only this blog which is littered with malopropisms, bad prose, a tendency to reuse words, unimaginative composition, horrendous grammar, incoherence, and a tendency to reuse words. Second, what else is there that has not yet been done for the travel documentary genre? I mean, Michael is top of pops, his new series is broadcast on primetime, not on BBC3 not on BBC2 but on BBC1. (Maybe it helps that he's a Python. Whatever has Monty Python done for him?). There's another good travel docu, Tribe, by Bruce Parry, where he stays for a month with tribes around the world. Even that is only on BBC2. I can't think of anything novel to attempt. (Let's not even talk about Lonely Planet as that's so contrived and boring.) Hmmm, maybe I'll go around the world visiting only those countries which allow Filipinos in without a visa. That'll be a very thin book.

Joke of the day:


Am I the only one who DOESN'T have a direct line to God? Every damn trapo from Gloria Arroyo to that loony Raul Gonzalez claims to be able to talk to God! And you'd wonder why this is when they're closer to Satan. And why does God have an 'agent'? Is he diversifying to Avon products?

Today is Equinox



.....9:51 GMT, the exact time when day=night all over and the southern hemisphere starts swinging towards the sun and us in the north begin sliding into winter depression.

Today is also the most important day in Philippine Television. It's the premiere of KC Concepcion: From Paris to Pinas. Please, can someone tape this and put it up on youtube!

All Filipinos should watch this tv special! I assure you, it will increase our country's collective IQ and accelerate our poverty alleviation programs. Remember how Paris Hilton, the American version of someone famous for being famous, increases the GDP of California every time she appears on television?

I'm sure KC Concepcion: From Paris to Pinas has a very gripping story line at madaming magandang aral na mapupulot dito.

Program Synopsis to help you get over the very convoluted plot:

First ten minutes: KC Getting on a plane. Look KC getting off the plane. KC going up the stairs. Wow, KC and the Eiffel Tower, she doing touristy poses. KC being like the masa and getting on the Metro. My god, the suspense is building up!

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

2nd ten minutes: KC at home. It's small and she has no army of tsimims to help make linis the place. Poor KC. KC vacuuming the floor. KC making the perilous journey from her flat to the laundromat. Does she have the right combination of euro coins? Gasp!

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

3rd ten minutes: Oh my god! KC is about to buy her first croissant! Will she commit a faux pas by using tu instead of vous to the masungit baker? KC eating the croissant on the Champs Elysees wearing a striped shirt and a beret because that's what the natives do.

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

4th ten minutes: KC reminisces about home, nevermind that she's only been away for 2 days and can, unlike the rest of Malu Fernandez, afford business class seats to Manila anytime. Open the tear ducts, she's missing daddy Kiko and Mommy Shawie.

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

5th ten minutes: KC talking to white people in some foreign language. KC and new friends go around Paris. Look, KC in the Louvre!

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

6th ten minutes: The Climax. Censored by Tita Shawie. The French Embassy launches a formal protest. Sacre Bleu! Surely zee want to see why Paris is the ceteee of love? No? Mebbe we can at least show zee KC getting zee French kiss?

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement.

7th-15 ten minutes: KC doingthis. KC doingthat. KC goingthere. KC goinghere............

Advert: Century Tuna, Superferry , McDonald's, Selecta Ice Cream, Senator Kiki Pangilinan public service announcement. Ad announcing next week's TV Show: The Nashman: From Oxbarrio to La Trinidad.

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Haute Cuisine: Naidawis ay baboy ya tongsoy


Organic Tongsoy. Just as good as the ones from da Balili River. It sells very quickly, thankfully I got there on time.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit present our tv dinner for tonight. Very rustic and simple. Nag-imasen. As we say, Uray maga di iyot nu naimas nan makan.

Our grilled Halal Pork that was butchered according to kosher requirements. We were told the pig actually fasted for 40 days before being butchered.

Friday, 21 September 2007

In da news......


No, they are not talking about me.

Homo floresiensis actual size compared to Homo sapiens sapiens. Si Ashley, homo lang.

Kitam. Kaya naman ako taas kilay sa mga bagong sampa dito na hindi naman hyphenated ang apelyido tapos bigla nalang nagsasalita with an accent. (Tulad nina Lea Salonga noon at yung bestpren ni Ashley na pa-posh posh wrong grammar naman). I'm proud op my islander accent!

The new Oxbarrio English Dictionary presents new words that can now be played in scrabble. There are around 30 words of Filipino origin in the OED and I've nominated another: Kanthought - n. a thought/dream/daydream of a sexual nature. "As she leaned over, exposing her well formed breasts, kanthoughts ran through my mind."

Naglipana ang mga Chaka


Where my ho's at?

Dios mio naman. Paano mo masasabing alter-Christos sina Fafa Benedict at ang mga bago niyang Cardinal eh mukha silang mga laman lupa? Made in the "image and likeness of God"? Parang hindi noh.

Ang ganda gandang lalake ni Hesukristo, rugged look na balbas sarado and oozing with sex appeal, dapat lang na ang kanyang mga alipores naman ay presentable. Kahit mga bulag eh masisindak sa kanilang mga fez.

Hay naku, until the church officials start looking angelic again like during Daddy JP 2's reign, I is boycotting mass. Parang pagpasok mo sa simbahan magtataka ka nalang "Ano ito, sinasamba ba natin si God? Eh baket kayo mukhang mga kampon ni Satanas?"

Nashman locuta causa et finita.


How can this man convert the flock?? Mag-ala Zoolander face-off sa runway sila ni Dalai Lama talong talo itich. (At mas ok pa yung music collection ni Dalai Lama kaysa kay Benedict). Mas may dating pa si Mister Hong na nagtitinda ng hopia sa may village namin eh

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Ang walang pagkaubos na giniling.


Tangna, giniling nanaman for lunch. Thankfully HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit found two pieces of sili to spice up this wretched meal. They've assured me that this is the last batch of giniling from the freezer. Hay, nagrigaten aya ti agmir-miraot aya.

The Nashman has resorted to extreme measures to feed the hunger. Oh ha, saan nakakita ng Vampire na rumarampa kahit umaaraw???

Killer App!!!! Adblock Plus

I normally don't read what my acquaintance The Jester classifies as "A-list" blogs of the Pinoy Blogosphere mainly because they have very little content that interest me personally and because they're full of shite ads. (More like Eh? List to me. Nothing personal on the bloggers. We feel we have to say that as the Cabal of the Pinoy Blogosphere are a whiny lot.)

Even the Inquirer and Philstar have such badly placed ads that are annoyingly distracting and cause epileptic seizures. As if their lay-out wasn't crappy enough.

I mean fair enough that people should be able to generate income from their online shrines to narcissism but it's really unlikely for me to click on those "Money 4 Your Blog" splattered all over. And really, you can't make money by putting banners on your blog. People are generally banner blind anyway. Having said that, it's a lot more pleasing on the eye not to have them in your peripheral vision.

Then, friends from the technology pages of The Guardian pointed me to adblockplus.org. It's soo kewl. It allows you to STRIP OFF ADS and more from a webpage!!!!!!!! (To get to the proper page it's better to google "adblock plus".)

As I said in the first paragraph, I very rarely visit sites plastered with lots of shit ads in the first place but today I went through all the so called Pinoy TopBlogs and had fun activating the newly installed Adblock Plus functionality on my browser. You can tweak the filters to your hearts content!

Take that evil Adsense! Take that You may have already won a laptop but not really scam! Take that Click here for cheap mortages! The Inquirer will be readable again!

Ehemplo:



Philstar, before and after! Notice the Big deperens?? No more shite banner ads!



Adsense stripping! Apologies to this blogger who ironically isn't mysterious at all as her full name is in her profile.



Now, isn't this better to look at? No shite ads..sweet.



Another banner-rich site for example is this and with adblock plus it's so simple to make the website more readable. Seriously do you even want to click on "Asian Girls are sexy?".....


Left adblock plus off, right adblock plus on.