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Monday, 31 December 2007

Best Wishes



His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman (and a bunch of dead people in the background plus a unicorn with a 12-inch erection) thank all who supported us financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and sexually this past year.

(PS: That lewd bicorn is the reason why you won't see any shots of our beloved college in The Golden Kuhol, este Compass. It was deemed too inappropriate for a family film although I'm told Nicole and Eva were mesmerized. Daniel was simply humbled by the size of it. Incidentally, no, I haven't seen the film but if you want a review from an insider, go to our friend's blog.)

We wish everyone happiness and success for the new year.


HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit welcome you with homemade minced pies and mulled wine (or Gløgg if you is Danish).


Finally, unless you literally have money to burn, minimise your chances of losing a digit by avoiding fireworks. Well, even if you do have money to burn, better donate it to some charitable cause. The "let's light fireworks to banish the evil spirits" is so last millennium.

Besides, you need those fingers if you want to light explosive fireworks somewhere else, if you know what I mean....wink, wink.


Para ganahang magpaputok, manurotot muna.

2008 will see 90 Million Filipinos. Babies bring joy to a loving relationship but it's never morally or ethically right to bring new life into this world if you cannot give him/her your best attention and provide her/him a high quality of life. Plus, we all have to share very limited resources. (Kahit ano pang ka-eklatan ang sabihin ng simbahan, unnecessary poverty is not a virtue.) If you are devout Catholic like me, bless your supply of condoms by dipping it in holy water before using.

Sunday, 30 December 2007

Judy Ann Santos: The New (artificially whitened with likas papaya) Face of Pinoy Racism. PS: Happy Rizal Day!

I thought the Desperate Housewives joke on fake Pinoy diplomas was funny mainly because it's so true it hurts.

I generally do non-pc, off-colour, risque jokes that play on stereotypes. They are afterall very clever social commentaries and stereotypes, both positive and negative, mirror reality.

However, I can't seem to find the joke in Judy Ann Santos' (she's a common-looking chubby Filipina actress who makes corny movies) latest movie where the dialogue allegedly goes:

Grandparent to maid: "Bakit pinalaki ninyong Bisaya ang apo ko?" (Why did you let my child grow up Visayan?)

Mother: "Speak to the kid in Tagalog. Parang Pinoy" (Teach him Tagalog to make him Filipino)

Eh? Isn't Visayas part of the Philippines?

How timely to reflect on this given that today is Rizal Day. (He's a Filipino hero. One because, he was a catalyst for the Philippine Independence movement. And two, he's a great lothario/lover/womaniser. A Malay Cassanova or Don Juan de Marco. Of course, the only blemish on his person was him being educated at The Ateneo. However, don't let that distract you from his topnotch literary,social, and philosophical output.)

Rizal said something along the lines of "Love your own language....ek-ek."

Of course you should.

This does not however imply that you should only learn ONE language. You'd be missing out a lot on culture, music, literature, cinema etc.

The lola in this movie who insists that her grandchild should only learn one language is of course STUPID (ie, purong TANGAlog). It's precisely at the very early stages in life that our brains can digest and easily learn many languages. And why must everyone have the same accent? That's a pathetically insular way of thinking.

I don't speak Tagalog beyond what I need for normal conversation, but at least I try. Had it not been for the English translations of Noli Mi Tangere and El Filibusterismo, I would not have passed my high school Filipino literature subjects. Of course, the irony in all of this is that both Rizal novels were written in Spanish and should have been taught in Spanish literature. But there you go....

My father speaks 4 dialects (one of them Bisaya) and my mother another 4. And this has helped a lot with getting special discounts (tawad) at the market. I'm not saying you should be patronising to the vendor but it really is easier to haggle in the lingua franca (whatever it is). Now isn't that useful for a struggling lower middle class family? (And if you want the best ukay-ukay bargains, learn some Ibaloi or Kankanaey)

In fact, if you should ever buy anything in bulk from the hardware or computer stores in Baguio, bring a Pinoy-Tsekwa friend. I once stood in awe as my friend brought down the price of a desktop computer by a whooping 40% by speaking ching-chong-ching chong to the shopkeeper.

See, a basic grasp of different languages pays dividends. I oversimplify with my example but surely you get my drift.....Comprende? Capisco?

Isang lingwahe lang alam ng apo mo? Bobo siguro.

Saturday, 29 December 2007

New Year Pa-Premyo: Moleskine Lemeted Edetion kano, gademet.


His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit got mail.

Ooh, it's a Moleskine 2008 Diary.

Allegedly a limited edition. A limited edition of 1,000,000?

Of course this whole thing about Van Gogh and Picasso using this notebook brand is UTTERLY NOT TRUE. It's all marketing. Ito'y pawang kasinungalingan. Nevertheless, whether one is gullible enough to believe Moleskine's hype, they do make good notebooks.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit already have a 2008 diary so we is thinking of giving this away. Hmmm, we must have a contest of some sort.....

Friday, 28 December 2007

Londontown: Quality time with the Dawgs


His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit did what they had to do to wake me at up at 6am

...two hours later we were at the Tate Britain in London

There was a big Turner Prize Retrospective, coloured prints by William Blake, and a Millais (the founding member of the Pre-Raphaelite brotherhood) exhibition.

The Turner retrospective was funny; a work by Hirsh involving two cows sliced in the middle and immersed in formalin (you can walk between the halves and look at all those entrails), vases by the cross dressing Perry, paintings by Ofili made with elephant shit (too bad his black Virgin Mary made of close up images of the vagina made from porn cuttings plus shit wasn't shown), and Creed whose contribution was an empty room with lights turning on and off every five seconds (I tell you, you stand there and you try to convince yourself that if this is art, you can do it yourself. But of course you don't, and that is why this work is genius.)

The Blakes were very dark and scary (angels, demons, and Old Testament baddies), and of course, the Pre-Raphaelite paintings gave me a big throbbing erection with their scantily clad and wet teenage girls having very pink and aroused nipples. (Really, did girls back then enjoy the outdoors wearing nothing but kulambo?)


HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit, art cognescenti, take a light brunch at the gallery cafe in between viewing exhibitions.

After making their arty-farty rounds, HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit go out for a reinvigorating walk along the River Thames.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit horsing around with the MI6 Headquarters in the background. Don't let the exposed building fool you, it is a fortress with lots of underground facilities. They probably had hi-resolution cameras and jamming equipment pointed at us but upon realising it was HRO Karl Willem, they immediately stood down and I got mobile phone reception again.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and The Parliament where their friends Gordo and Cameron work. Next time, we shall show you images from inside the house of Lords.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and the London Eye. The Dali exhibition was still on in what used to be Saatchi's Gallery but we skipped it to go to ching-chong chinatown for some dimsum and msg for late lunch.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit gobbled their dimsum quickly as they didn't want their cashmere scarfs smelling of chink food. I guess this is one disadvantage of eating authentic and delicious chinese food with an exposed kitchen. One comes out smelling like soya sauce and whatnot.

We then headead off to the Royal Academy of Arts but nothing new was on, so off to afternoon coffee at the corner shop and this caught our eyes.....

Macarons with pure gold foil on top! Gold is edible and has been used for centuries to detoxify the body. They don't come cheap though, one piece costs 200 pesos.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit sit down as a fine selection of macarons was presented for their delectation.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit chose one gold-foiled raspberry macaron, caramel, vanilla, pistachio, and oh-my-god it's better-than-masturbation rose macaron!

Thank Bacchus that gold is actually a cheap and abundant metal that we have no second thoughts of eating it. (The skill required to make the macarons probably costs more.) I'm worried that people will camp outside my toilet tomorrow to pan for golden nuggets. (Pero take note Ashley, ang ebak, balutin mo man ng ginto, ebak pa rin.)

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit then had a browse inside the shops of Savile Row, Hamley's, and SoHo (including the sex shops, which is always cracking good fun) before taking the underground to St. Pancras. This Victorian single-arch station was once the largest enclosed space in the world and has been renovated to the tune of £1B to house the Eurostar. It's now quicker to get to Paris from London (daan ilalim, vice-versa) than it is to get from Baguio to Dau, or during rush hour, from Balibago, Laguna to Glorietta.


HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit await the arrival of pretty Parisiennes...ooh la la....

The station also has the longest champagne bar in Europe, running the length of a Eurostar train. And so......


The dawgs get special treatment. A Bollinger Kir Royale for PA/PR Gromit while HRO Karl Willem sips rising star Bruno Paillard Brut Premiere Cuvee. The bubbles cleanse the tongue and lips prior to French kissing. (Take note Ashley, walang iced tea dito. Baka mapagsabihan ulit ng sommelier ang mga 'royal' friends mo tulad nung dinner sa Bordeaux with taas-kilay na reply "Madam, we are NOT McDonald's.)

Thursday, 27 December 2007

Meanwhile


Dining alone. Normally, it's hard to get a table at this joint. All the peeps are probably still bloated from Xmas dinners.

If I made this myself it wouldn't cost £4.95...but I'm lazy today. That's why we go to eat in restaurants innit? (It only has spinach, avocado, parmesan shavings, pancetta)

"That's what you get for believing in Santa Claus" I said to my nephew in Baguio on the phone who was crying because he didn't get a Christmas present. He's 9 years old and I think it's about time that I give him tough love. I had to teach him that Santa Claus, incorruptible UP students/alumni, and honest congressmen are figments of his imagination. On the other hand, the monster in his closet and the white lady of Loakan are real.

Meanwhile, in da news:


This is the new book by the makers of the satirical paper The Onion. It's an atlas and this is what it says about the Philippines. Funny.

I know how sophisticated MI5's algorithms are but how the hell did they come up with this profile of online fraudsters?

Dawkins outed as a Carol singer. Hmmm, I think I'll tell him next time I see him "Taksil!"

Drunk driving gains a whole new meaning......

How often must we remind people? The chain is just as strong as its weakest part. Now, we must trace the child labourer who made the faulty gasket......

Wednesday, 26 December 2007

Tradition


His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman had a quiet Christmas Holiday. For Christmas Eve dinner, we had kare-kare (leftover from my nephew's bertday) and Chilean rose.

Christmas Morning. HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit shout their greetings to the parish priest and some parishioners. It's so convenient when you live next to a Norman Church. (The sacristan must have been hungover, the bell ringing was out of sync.)

Ah, bless. HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and Christmas Breakfast in bed. We had traditional Jewish fare, tuyo, kamatis, miso soup, and freshly squeezed orange. Exactly what the Holy Family would have eaten 2000 years ago in Bethlehem. You know us, we are sticklers for authenticity.

Due to the fish shortage, we normally only eat FOUR pieces of tuyo at a time, but since this is Xmas, we were a bit generous. Mmmmm.

HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman decided that this year we would not get each other material gifts. We have each other and that's all that matters. We've climbed mountains, hiked perilous trails, and we look forward to more adventures. For this, all we ask is Good health.

The first TV movie of the day was Gone with the Wind (or in Tangalog "Nang ika'y umutot, kami'y umalis). It's been digitally restored to supersaturated acid-tripping colour. The acting is so camp that I excused myself to soak in the bath tub instead....

...When I got back, it was still on. Thankfully, I caught the film's money shot. It's when Scarlett goes to the field, makes hukay, and eats camote, at makes suka (gaga, iluto mo muna kasi) and makes sumpa to da heavens "I swear, I will never be pobre again...." or something like that.

At 3pm, a British Tradition. We had to stop our impromptu Nativity play to watch Lilibet give her Christmas message to the Commonwealth. Fifty years she's been doing this. She told the story of the Nativity, buckling the PC-trend. It is after all a Christian Holiday and it should stay that way the same way that Eid is Islamic and Diwali is Hindu.

When the Queen finished her greetings, it's finally Christmas primetime! The French may have invented cinema, the Scandanivians have neo-realism to a T, but it's the Brits who own Christmas Television with their One-off Xmas specials. HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and I chose to watch the Bolshoi Ballet for tea time. I envy dancers - their agility, flexibility, and well toned perfectly proportioned bodies without the bullfrog physique that one gets from having to do heavy weights in the gym. If I were not so short, fat, and ugly I'd give up my year in Cambridge just to be in the Kirov or Bolshoi. Imagine, you get to rub yourself against and work your hands on those beautiful female bodies in public without being called a pervert! The only other place you could get away with that is during rush hour at the MRT....but then again, the people crowding the MRT are NOT exactly the type of people you'd want to rub up against.


The Nashman, fat, short, and lacking in grace. Not Kirov-material.

Later in the evening it was a Geek-fest! The Doctor Who Xmas Special!...Wohooo....

Now, this is why I don't mind paying the TV license! The Tardis crashes into the Titanic (this time a spaceship shaped like the....), the Doctor meets Astrid (an obvious anagram) played by MILFy Kylie who becomes the Doctor's new assistant! (Sadly, she dies in the end) I've been watching Doctor Who since I was wee and I must say I miss a couple or so episodes but one must not miss the Xmas episode, it's always faultless. As a geek bonus, everything is not what it seems and there are lots of in-jokes, anagrams, and pop references to keep one amused.

Of course, what's Xmas without a cheesy movie to end the day? There were lots of choices but HRO Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman hunkered down to watch Love Actually. (Which was bizarrely shown in da Pelepens in March!!!) It's a rather cliched film that caters for everyone and I mostly identify with that Mark character. You know, I often seem to fall in love with unavailable women, or, women seem to fall in love with me when I'm unavailable. (Naks, pass the barf bag)


It's so me.

The best quote of the movie comes from Uncle Billy Mack "Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free."

Monday, 24 December 2007

Gifts.


Not since Blessed Transvestite Judiel Nieva was a teeny wee boy that you could look directly at the sun at midday.

A lot of friends and family complained of the lack of Christmas Gifts from me. All I can say is "Baket? Bertday nyo ba?????" (Why, is it your birthday?) Unless you can prove to me that it is YOUR birthday on Christmas, the magnetic strip on my plastic cards will remain like Mary, virginal.

As I said, I do not intend to unnecessarily stress my life these holidays by queuing at the department store. Stop this senseless consumerism.

However, do not let MY ideals prevent YOU from giving ME gifts. Afterall, you are entitled to your own beliefs and I will fight for your right to express it. I wouldn't mind being given a Bang and Olufsen mp3 player, or a limited edition tourbillion watch. Thank you very much.

You don't have to give me obscenely expensive gifts. I am just as happy with moderately expensive gifts. Remember, it's the Kanthought that counts. And since everyday is Christmas day with me, I can accept gifts all year round.

So I'm back in Oxbarrio to spend a quiet Jesus day with HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit after staying overnight at my cousin's place to celebrate my nephew's birthday. Thankfully, unlike the other day when it was so foggy, today's weather was ok and the travel time was shorter.

Aaaaanyways, peace out to everyone.


Giant squid swimming in soy sauce and vinegar.

You have to hand it to my cousin. We are in the middle of nowhere England and they still managed to cook the greatest hits vegan collection of pinapaitan, sisig, inabraw, kare-kare, embotido, and kaldereta. Feels like home. The only way I'm alive right now is the whiskey I drank to battle those evil transfats. (And yes, that is ispageti with hotdog ober der. It's a children's party after all.)

One of my nephews properly wearing wifebeaters (sando). You can take the boys outta the hood, but you can't take the hood outta the boys. I remember when I was young, I too wore a lot of wifebeaters, especially those 'air-cooled' ones with holes in them. Respec, 'yo.

Thank Allah I decided not to fly out on Xmas. I would have been stranded too. But here I am, enjoying the quiet life. Beh buti nga....(evil, smug.)

Sunday, 23 December 2007

Shapeng



I'm not buying any Christmas gift this year. We must stop this excessive consumerism.

Eklat.

We must defeat capitalism by embracing it. Let armies of maniacal shoppers descend upon the stores, swamping them with impulsive purchases, hyperinflating demand until the capitalists and their underpaid Ching Chong Chink child labor are worked to death and can produce no more. Then we will have won.

I really haven't bought any Christmas presents but I remembered it's my nephew's birthday today. (Hindi na nahintay Christmas, maluwang na kasi siguro pekpek ng nanay nya kaya ayun, hindi napigilan ang paglabas. Kabertday sana ng pamangkin ko si Jesus.)

My nephew's grown so quickly. When he came here 5 years ago, he spoke with a thick Ilocano accent. Nagtangken apo. Now, his diction and elocution is standard mala-Colin Firth in an English period drama. (Hindi yaki-kadiri pretentious Ateneo call centre drawl ha!) So I can't just get him a present from the High Street. HIndi na pupwidi sa kanya ang Penshoppe or Bench (eww). Kaya naman kahit traffic dahil sa Holiday Rush, I rushed to Old Bond Street to find him something nice. (I also went for a detour to Zegna to get me new cufflinks and to Pringle for super-tight, bakat-ang-aking-watusi red boxer shorts.)

Take note Ashley, kahit kayang ipasara to da public ng mga kaibigan mo na Mindanao/Culiat Royalty ang buong Primark so that they can shop alone ala-Imelda, ok lang sa akin. Hindi naman ako napaparoon. Excuse me. Kahit ONCE a year lang ako mag-shopping, pang-centre fold naman ang kinalabasan ng aking mga purchases. Di tulad ng mga Amiga ni Ashley na pagsuot na ang kanilang pinamili, pasado na sila sa catalog ng Wal-Mart/Argos/Tesco Value. Kumbaga, nasa front page ako ng Inquirer in full colour samantalang si Ashley at ang kanyang mga amiga, sa insert ng Manila Bulletin katabi ng obituary.


"Filipinos are like Americans, but without the credit cards, living beyond their means just to show off..."-International Herald Tribune reporter.

This money would be better off buying guns and cluster bombs to kill innocent people and children. We should have just given this money to George Bush so he can maintain Guantanamo Prison, a beacon of democracy, where people are held without charge and access to lawyers. (Think of them tortured prisoners this Christmas. Wait! They're Muslim, so the message of Christmas doesn't apply to them. And besides, we won so it is our manifest right to torture them because they are different.)

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit look out from our window to a cold and grey December morning.

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit wrap our gifts.

Oh ha Ashley, yan ang mga brand ng damit na pwedeng isuot with upturned collars. Di tulad ng suot ng mga kaibigan mo na pipitsuging Giordano na walang kwelyo eh ipinagpipilitan pa rin ang look na pwede lamang gawin ng mga taong Blue and Bod Card (at hindi brown). Take note, mismong mga gift wrappers ko ay exclusive designs. Siempre, kahit binalot ko na ang aking gift, ilalagay ko pa siya inside the store bag. Para naman pag-inabot ko na regalo ko in-front of the other mapang-lait guests (typical of immigrant Pinoys), eyes wide open na kita nila na hindi ako ang namimigay ng RTW. Ang yayabang nga ng iba nating kabayan, kung mag-regalo naman eh galing lang sa sale rack ng Zara/Gap/Next. Next year, pag-medyo tumangkad na pamangkin ko, dadalhin ko na siya sa Zegna or Brioni.


Napa-you tube na rin ang Reyna. Ikaw Ashley, diba Reyna ka ng Santa Cruzan? Asan na youtube clips mo at ng iyong mga Royal Court of Admirers. (O nahuli ulit sila ng balbas-sarado at malabalyenang-bilbil na pulis at kasalukuyang nasa Bilibid?)

Joining the Dark Side. Thank God he is no longer Prime Minister! Who would have thought Tony is a religious nutter! Do you want to live in a country where religion affects your politics??? Let's see, there's most of the Middle East, Israel, the Philippines, USA, Sudan....

O siya, erase, erase all these negativity. Merry Xmas to y'all. (Kasama ka na Ashley, kahit iba ang relihiyon mo na ayon sa turo ng aking religion ay hindi totoong religion. Tara, let's use differences in religion to cause misery, suffering, and wars in the World.)