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Monday, 22 December 2008

The Dawgs Travel Diary: Looking for a Memorial Plan for The Nashman

You know, it's good to be prepared. So this afternoon, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit looked for a suitable place to bury The Nashman when he dies. First of all, The Nashman wants to be mummified - smoked like salmon for 21 days using charcoal made from narra with a couple of pine trees thrown in. My coffin should be simple, made of cocotimber and inlaid with capiz shells. The interior of the top lid of the coffin should be decorated by the same people who decorate the ceilings of jeepneys - with the names of all the girls I loved calligraphed in little squares along the borders of the lid. I also want to be buried clutching a photo of Jolina...now to look for a suitable tomb...

Hmmm, a pissoir looks enticing. This way I will be vertical instead of horizontal. Maybe I should have one as a sarcophagus.

Finally, HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit suggest this....

...the Pantheon...

...but first we must rid the place of sacriligeous tourists. Tourists are ruining it for everyone. Yah, you bought the beret, it still doesn't make you native. Pero in fernez maganda ang kanyang wetpaks, makinis gaya nung akin. Gumagana pa kaya ang makalaglag-panty na linyang "Ohw, sowrry (put on posh English accent na hindi nabibili sa bangketa) but I'm terribly lost, would you mind showing me the way to your bedroom?"

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit give me the run down on who is buried here...

..then time to decide: I'd like to be interred next to Voltaire and Dumas (para chika kwentuhan kami about our misadventures) but as far away as possible from Victor Hugo (gad, baka walang katapusang Fantine Fantine Eponine ek-ek pag-usapan namin in da afterlife..). Maybe I can be close to Braille too so he can tell me why he is so good at fingering and so he can read the magic inscription made by the pimples and pockmarks on my face..

The dawgs point out that this crypt has a nice view of the Eiffel Tower too..

I plan to live another 60 productive years but with the price of basic commodities going up, I'm at risk of a heart attack. Grabe nagmahal na ang kahon ng Serg's, Chocnut, at Flat tops! €53 is like US$75. Tinanong ko ang tindero in my fluent French: "Monsieur, pwidé va tingé-tingé...une piraseau lang magkaneau?" Oh ha Ashley, sa Sorbonne ako nag two-day language seminar (with certificate, welcome drinks, and group picture. At kahit expired na Sorbonne ID ko madalas ko pa rin itong gamiting form of ID kasama ng expired na Bod Card at Sainsbury's Nectar Card) kaya I speak like the natives hindi tulad ni KC na American University in Paris lang.

To live a long and healthy life...eat healthful foods like kebab and chips for merienlunch. With garlic mayo! Mmmmm, more French kissing! Kaya naman ang mga pekpek ng pranses amoy bawang talaga..pwedeng isawsaw ang cornik...maasim-asim na, may spices pa!

2 comments:

ashley said...

Naku, walang kamatayang kebab yan. Ba't kebab na naman kinain mo? naglipana na nga sila sa oxbarrio. maskin sa culiat meron na rin.

The Nashman said...

binibigyan ko lang business ang mga hudyo kasi matumal negosyo nila pag christmas