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Thursday, 31 January 2008

HRHs Lilibet and Philip. We love.



Take note Ashley, ang mga litrato ba ng mga kaibigan mo bang 'royalty' ay pini-print ng Central Bank? O baka naman sa play money printed by dot matrix printer on mimeograph paper lang ang kanilang mga fez?

Museum Hires New Filipino Curator

...because only a Filipino has a fetish for clear plastic.....



Do nat tats! Desplay onli! Ang magpapalabas, siguradong bibili! Once open, no return, no exchange.

Diba? Remember your nakermet auntie who had her sofa set covered in ridiculous layers of garish prints? Or how about your Lancer whose seats are still encased in that sweat-retaining thick plastic cover? (Kasi nga hulugan, di pa bayad). Or how about that empty bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label Whiskey replaced inside the box, the box covered in more clear plastic, tied up with a red ribbon, and put in the middle of da aparador? How about those bottles of 'beers from around the world' that have gone stale inside the display case?


It's so Pinoy. I love.

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

I'm like John Rambo......

....no matter how many times I walk away to a quiet retirement, there's always one last mission....The Girls needed me back...(and I didn't ask for a David Beckham-ish contract. I just wanted ice cream served on a Faberge dish.)



Let, me just explain that inside joke. Because of some mistake, we were not playing on our home court despite hosting today's game. Oxbarrio is known for its ridiculously affluent centre but on the southern fringes are the so-called "ghettos". However, when we got there I was surprised. It was not that bad compared to the dangerous favelas in Baguio where I grew up. Walang wala sa tabing ilog ng Tabora Barangay kung saan madami nagbabasag ng bote.



The night before, to prepare my motivational speech, I watched the most important film Kirsten Dunst ever made - Bring it (on). That movie is very inspirational pare. I always cry at the end because although they lost, they dug deep and exceeded expectations.



Thank God I attended coach Ju Lepa's basketball clinics back in the Philippines (take note, hindi ako Chot Reyes talunan). Ever since I retired as the all time leading scorer for the Baguio Igid Ti Karayan League for Tabora Barangay Midgets United, there are always days when I long for the game pare. Parang iyot ba, once natikman mo, hahanap-hanapin mo. Kaya naman lubos ang pasasalamat ko sa Team Two dito na na-appreciate nila talent ko pards. (In short, hindi pa ako laos, gago.)



Anyways, baka sabihin niyong ini-etching ko lang kayo, this is an official Bretesh Unebersetes Sports Association (BUSA) league game at ang aming referee FIBA, hindi tambay sa kanto.



Game Highlights: Mga pare, we were down 12 points at halftime! Pero calm lang ako ba. Having been with this team last year, alam kong kaya ng mga gerls. I kept shouting, dig deep bitches, bring it on. Pota pare na-technical pa ako! Shet. Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako na-technical ni Varela pare. Anyways, nung half-time, pinagmomora ko players pare, pero alam kong hindi effective yun, kaya para bang sa Kung-Fu film, yung flashback sequence, pina-alala ko lahat ng mga ginagawa namin sa mga scrimmages. Ang hirap kse ngayon, wala na dati kong star players. Yung mga Eastern Europeans nag-graduate na, kaya heto mga lecheng Briton na natuto sa netball ang core group. (Sa netball, pag-catch mo bola, stationary ka na dapat eh paminsan nakakalimutan nila na basketbol ito pare). Pagpasok ng fourth quarter pare, 8 points nalang lamang. Sabi ko, Jaworski, never say die tayo, potang-ina, kaya natin ito. Sabi ko Pare, inubos namin ang kalaban sa foul. Sabi ko, salsal, este saksak, lang ng salsak sa inside lane. Ayun, napagod rin kalaban. Pare we scored a 10 point run! Wohoo! Pare, na Hey Jude, bye bye yung star player nila with 5 fouls. (Pero, in fairness, maganda siya. Iba talaga ang dating ng athletic and well proportioned na babae.) Anyways, we brought it on and we won by four points pare! Yahoo! Sabay-sabay ulit sa shower room! Pass the soap!



The Second Team. Hoy, huwag niyong laitin ang 'second' team namin. I prefer working with them because you know, if not for Basketball, they'd be back on the streets. These girls come from tough backgrounds, Basketball gives them hope. Alam nilang walang mapapala sa mga diploma nila pagtapos kaya, pinagbubutihan nila ang sports. (And yes, I dig the Spanish point guard. She's hot.)

And like I said before, yung mga nag-bully sa akin noon na "pandak, unano, will amount to nothing" at iba pang panglalait. Isa lang masasabi ko: Potang-ena ninyo, mamatay kayo sa inggit. Amuyin nyo buhok ko, amoy lactacyd.

Humanda na ang La Salle, Ateneo, at pati na rin UB. We're coming to bring it (on)!

After the game, I went back to writing my thesis but later that evening, I watched the first team play (kasi nga, player rin yung isa kong kaibigan). Siempre Ashley, medyo nostalgic naman ako dahil they were playing Cantabrigia, my old school. Wala na yung mga kakilala ko sa Cantab. I remember, may magaling na Aussie player na nakakalaro ko noon. (Tangkad niya, 6'1", eye level ko djoga niya. Pero one time, na-vulca seal ko siya ha.)


Hot Girl on Girl Action.

Hoy bruha, wala tayo sa Baguio Cathedral. Don't genuflect, get back on defense.

Siempre, tiningnan ko rin sino maganda sa Cantab. Cute niya ha. May kapatid kaya siya sa Lithuania? Tara, scouting trip tayo.

4,8, at 12. Yan ang mga numero na tatandaan niyo pag pinapanood niyo ang aming First team, hane. Pero hwag na kayong umasa na maging close kayo dahil wala sila sa Friendster.

Talo ang Cantab, win kami. Shower ulit? (Kahit spectator lang ako. Good for the morale pare.)

At the sidelines, my friend Grace was limbering up for the volleyball league game. Haba legs niya. Taka nga ako paano napapanatili ang figure eh buong game kain kami ng kain. Pinasa nga nya mani niya na at nilamutak ko naman.

Hmmm, napahaba na blog post ko. Saka na yung volleyball pics at meron pa akong dinner.

Au Secours! Putain! La vache!



I'll believe this when it appears in the next Luc Besson film and I see Jean Reno typing on the command line.

I'll be even more impressed if my beloved Pelepens' Pulis Force (Super-Patola) also saves money and adopts open-source. Incidentally, have YOU or ANYONE ever seen a Pinoy action film, preferably starring Bong Revilla or Lito Lapid, where they actually use 21st century technology? (Pretending to dial a mobile phone does not count) Instead of counting on 'kutob', the cop actually logs on to a central database to search for clues???

Now that we are on the verge of a separate broadband network, wouldn't it be cool for Lito Lapid to say lines like:
"Annie, kelangan ko ng satellite map sa PDA ko, bilis!" Downloading...60...61.....70%...Connection Lost
Villain appears
"Mwahahahah, napapaligiran ng Faraday Shield ang lungga kong ito, Sarhento"
"Hindi bale, naka-upload ako ng virus sa network mo. Sandali lamang ay ma-ko-corrupt lahat ng system files mo."
"Yan ang akala mo sarhento."
Villain flicks pirated DVD to Lito Lapid's face. Blood drains from his face. The DVD is a version 3.14 system patch. Even the police doesn't have that.
"Anong, gusto mong mangyari? Kumanta ako?"
"Hindi, Sarhento, unti-unti kong dudurugin ang utak mo"
The villains tie Lito Lapid up and force him to stare into an old CRT screen.
The villains start it up on Windows 3.1.
Lito Lapid screams as he has to endure the hypnotic defrag sequence....."Aaaah"

subaybayan....

Riddle Me this, riddle me that......

Do you remember that disgustingly addictive song by then hotties All Saints, "Never Ever"?

It begins:

Ho-hmmmm, Hmmmmm, Hmmmm, Ho-hmmmmm
A few questions that I need to know....

Gagah! Baka you mean 'answers'

Aaaanyways, I want answers to this question that has been bugging me since the last funeral I attended:

Bakit kadalasan may bulaluhan sa tabi ng punerarya? At saan tinatapon ng mga embalsamador ang mga laman loob at dugo na kanilang tinatanggal mula sa patay?

(For the non-exotics: In the Philippines, why are there soup kitchens serving entrail dishes next to funeral parlors? How does the embalmer dispose of the blood and entrails they remove from the dead?)

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Cleese. Brilliant.

Euphemism



Take note Ashley, hindi siya tubero na basta basta nalang nakuha ang phone number sa poste ng Meralco. Ibahin mo kami. Kaya naman ang talent fee nila £50.88 per hour. Pero ewan ko lang kung kaya ng mga "System Management Consultants" na ito na hasahin ang mga kutsilyo namin tulad ng tubero ko sa Laguna na paminsan, may dala pang Buko pie, paminsan naman ay daing, kung gusto mo rin umorder ng longanisa, pwede rin.

Can't Travel for 4 weeks.



My beloved Green Passport was confiscated this morning by the Home Office. Apparently, I'm on a watchlist because of my membership in The Brown Supremacist Movement. I had to convince them that we are a peaceful group existing in the middle of two extremes, white and black. In short, we are just the right colour. Our peaceful aim is to expand the gene pool of homogenous populations by donating our seed.

This is why I'm going to live in Scandinivia next, and Namibia in the future. These regions need a burst of colour and some tropical brown loving.....

Tita Ashley, Rev Fr. Frank C. says you have a rally....


"Hey, you're not the regular guy...."

I'm going to have to herd them sheep up the mountain myself. And I won't tolerate any monkey business behind my back.



Baptists are so old testament anal. I'm proud to support my friends who prefer titi over kiki. The more badichis there are, the more available women for me. It's a symbiotic relationship. Kaya nga si Ashley, mahal na mahal ko yang kaibigan ko na yan. He's like the sister I never had (and never will, kasi nga mas daku pa etits niyan eh). Ashley, baka andito yung friend mo sa rally, hiding behind the hijab.

Monday, 28 January 2008

Dinnah


Perhaps sensing the stress I'm in, writing a horrible thesis chapter, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit went down to the kitchen and whipped up a simple homemade Chinese meal. We had steamed ginger chicken, steamed pechay, soft rice, and a garlic and chili infused soya dip (freshly made!). Seriously, what would I do without the dawgs! I love them more than I love my girlfriends (all of them combined).

Why we love the Cordillera Art Scene

...because where else can you exhibit a sculpture of a man with an erection?


Blind weaver Rogelio Guinonoy shows off his wicker man. (Photo by Andy Zapata Jr.)

Calling All Fortune Tellers.....

Since it's Ching-chong New Year, I present my palms for all you mystics, manghuhula, fortune tellers, card readers, whatnot out there.....Please read what's in store for me!

Kaliwa

Kanan

Solo Flight


Knock it off Iceman and Maverick. Don't let me come there and shove this up where the sun don't shine. We're a team, gademet.

Do you remember your first time? For me, I was taking a refreshing summer bath, with tubig poso, and I started conscientiously scrubbing all those germs away from my titi with safeguard. I thought it would help if I had a boner so that I could clean those foreskin creases. And so I rubbed, and rubbed, and rubbed. And it began to feel good. And so I rubbed some more, and the wonderful sensation heightened, until I felt this most indescribable but fantastic paralysis and this milky white substance erupted from my urethra hitting the sayote leaves which were a good five feet away. I was 11 years old.

(Wills at St. Andrews, papped by A.J)
Huy, bawal umihi diyan!
I'm heir to the throne, bitch! I can pee where I want!

My housemate Annie was at St. Andrews with him. I should really be careful as I don't want to upset HRH Charlie (whose fund paid half my tuition at Cantabrigia)

Sunday, 27 January 2008

Domingo. Chillax Day.


What a grip....

What da pekpek is up with the organisers of the Aussie Open!?! My god, so many ads! Even the nets and the towels are plastered with Kia or Garnier! It's so distracting and prevents me from appreciating the fine curves of Sharapova and Ivanovic as they serve the ball. This certainly wouldn't be allowed in Wimbledon where you only see a small green logo. I woke up early today to watch the men's finals (thankfully later than the 2:30am for the women's). I wanted the underdog to win (but don't tell that to my Serbian friends). It's always nice to have unseeded players succeed. It's so like me. Imagine, 10 years ago I was just eating pancit canton at Marosan's. Now I go to Le Gavroche and expect them to serve me the same pancit canton I can get at Marosan's.


HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit prepare a humble breakfast of Maggi Instant Noodles. Pero take note Ashley, we poshified it by adding slices of extra hot chorizo, sachimi, and itlog malasado from organic free range hens.

I am following the African Cup of Nations football and so to support the continent, I stocked up on bottles of pinotage. Unfortunately, a glassful ended on my carpet when I accidentally knocked it in disgust as bad goal keeping made for a boring Cameroon win last night. Let's just hope that the "it's aaaamaaaaaaazing, it removes tough stains, kahit regla ng tibo" as seen on TV stain remover I have works.

It's too late for that Hillary. Sure you can fellate a big microphone but if you were only so willing during Bill's time, then Monica shouldn't have happened.

David shows off his shooting skills to a panel of critics. Uh-Oh here comes another 'give someone an expensive camera they begin to think they are artists' victim.

Diba Ashley, marami kang kakilala na "magaling akong photographer" ang opening statement? Basta alam lang ang 'sepia' function sa MS Photo Editor eh ipanapasang 'art' na ang kanilang kuha?

My best mates from high school have also started spending ridiculous sums of money, greater than the GDP of Angola, on camera gear. Is this the new midlife crisis? I wanna have a good camera too. One with a zoom lens so that I can surreptitiously snap pretty girls from a distance.

Pero, sabi nga nila. Hindi nakukuha sa laki yan. Nasa paggamit. Tingnan niyo nalang mga obra ko today using my 2 megapixel Panasony Lumeks (with isang picture drain agad Tiger Brand Batteries from China...)


Bicycle thief. Ang ganda nya, sana ako nalang sakyan niya, libre hilamos pa pagdating sa langit.

Menage a Trois: Doisneau, Banksy, Klimt. Nainggit yung girl kasi wa siya kahalik...ako nalang..

Sunset of High Street. Oh ha, I had to direct all those contrails in the heavens.

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Milton



This morning, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and me visited the Milton Exhibition.



Milton of course wrote Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained. Satan figures a lot in these works hence the engravings in the early editions of the books are full of wonderfully demonic imagery. We also got to see his pencil case, which had fish skin covering. Kewl.

Anywaaaays, Milton is a very important figure because of his contributions to republican principles ("all men naturally were born free") and freedom of the press. The king ordered his works to be burned but thankfully, our library kept most of them. He also delivered an important speech to parliament, Areopagitica, which is a testament to the liberty of the press. How timely, given that my beloved Philippines has the stupidest libel laws in the world and despite denials by our evil hobbit bitch President, press freedom is being curtailed (and journalists being killed).



Later, HRO Karl Willem decreed it to be Luc Besson day so we took out two Besson DVDs from the library, District 13 and Angel A. The first movie is awesome. I think this is the first appearance of Parkour in film. Angel A is not as good storywise, but do you really watch Besson films for the story? Non. You watch for the imagery (and the mandatory French nipple exposure). It is a bad idea to watch two films set in Paris in quick succession because you have this urge to go there. We could but as HRO Karl Willem knows, nothing ever gets done in Paris. The good wine, invigorating coffee, and easy sex are powerful distractions.

So off we went for tea at the boathouse.....



National Geographic has an article on the Philippine Eagle, king of da Pelepen rainforest. I told HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit how the Pelepen Egol should be protected. I feel sad that today's younger kids no longer have the Philippine Eagle in their diet like we used to. It's very good for barbecues and adobo. Plus, because it's one of the biggest raptors in the world, one can provide enough feathers to make a kick-ass pimp suit (ala Renaldo Lapuz). I think the best way to conserve de Pelepen Egol is to encourage companies such as Andok's, Max's, KFC, and Jollibee to include it on the menu. If there is a culinary demand for Pithecophaga jefferyi Jolly Meals (Sarap to the bone), then big businesses will find it worth their while to invest money in increasing eagle populations.

Incidentally, I can see my window from where we are seated outside the boathouse....



Take note Ashley, ang boathouse na ito ay merong exclusive membership. Hindi basta basta pinapapasok ang kung sino sino. Kung mali ang enunciation ng iyong mga diphthongs, hindi ka pwede kahit pa nainherit mo milyones (ill-gotten) from your tatay na Governor ng isang 4th class municipality or minor royalty ka from the house of Sultan Jama-Ulol of Sabah, Borneo, at pati na rin daw Irian Jaya (but living in Culiat due to lack of finances). Dun ka nalang sa McDonald's magkape kung saan nagkalat ang mga taong upturned to the langit ang kanilang non-Savile Row na kwelyo, meron ka pang libreng Disney toy na pinaghirapan ng isang underpaid but overworked Tsekwa.

Friday, 25 January 2008

Oxford v Cambridge: It's like AMA v STI


-Monk's Passage

Cirque du Soleil hires new contortionist



....and the car was a Proton Wira!!!!!

Serg's: My special treat for the forest dwellers

I gazed out the bay windows while having my afternoon tea today and saw some of the foxes perambulating in the estate and thought they were a bit skinny.

So I went into the woods to give them something from The Nashman's Chocolate Factory....



How to shit in the woods. Those foxes are in for a special treat tonight. Just for them, I "Supersized" my deposit.



Once you have done your civic duty, it is important to know which leaves are suitable for making sure all the residual Chocnut is removed from the event horizon of the black hole.


Thorny leaves are a no-no. The leaf on the right is more appropriate.

Why Chiz Escudero is an Idiot 01



I'm going to start another series on this online diary of mine in honor of Chiz Escudero. Chiz Escudero is a Philippine Senator who during his mediocre stint as a congressman proposed that the basic education curriculum be streamlined by CUTTING DOWN on the basic Math and Science subjects. There are only two reasons for this:
1. He is fucking stupid
2. He wants to propagate the election of traditional and dynastic politicians like him by dumbing down the populace.

Aaanyways, an example of the application of basic science to a game which we Flipinoys should start taking seriously - football.







Sitz im Leiben (Anong kenalaman nitich sa totoong bohay): Ang mataas na pagtalon ay na-aangkop sa pamimitas ng sayote (or kung ano mang protas). Hindi na kelangan ng ladder.