Thursday, 31 July 2008

Out of Office Auto Reply 3

When God made Cesena, she said "It will be a tiny town with a cozy and beautiful centro historico surrounded by ugly industrial estates and ALL the girls will be hot hot hot hot". I really should keep my mouth shut. This town should be our little secret...Tonight I met the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. Ever. Ever.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Out of Office Part 2

You and I have not heard of Cesena...until today. It's a small town, 40,000 population. I went out last night and said "Yeah, right, 10pm on a tuesday in the middle of nowhere and no one is going to show up..." But I'm fricking glad I went because Holy Mother of God and all the Saints in Heaven, this commune gives a 10 out of 10 thumps up five stars Babe-o-meter rating! The town plaza was packed till 1am!!!! There was a small kiosk selling coffee and cold cold beer. Ohmygod all the girls are fit and friendly.

Ok, I lied about not blogging but I think I'm going to stay here longer than I expected....

Monday, 28 July 2008

Out of Office......

His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem, PA/PR Gromit, and The Nashman are away for vacation. This involves lots of drinking and general debauchery so we will probably not be blogging.

To amuse yourself in our absence here are the blogs of other members of the OxPinoy Gastronomic Protest Society (I guarantee that they are content-driven blogs and don't have ads or seo garbage like you-know-who top influential pinoy blog ek-ek...)

Tranny Lourdes in London here
Clinton's Recipes here
Ikin (who is currently in Baguio) is here
Padma is here

Restaurant Review

Pop on over to our friend Natalie's review of the Connaught. I still wonder why the Times/Guardian/Telegraph has not signed her by now!

Coffee nalang dear...

HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit serve up a pancake breakfast (with acacia honey) with very black coffee just like The Nashman wants it everytime...but shock horror! What is that ManU mug? I thought the dawgs were Arsenal supporters...

Aaanyways, the mug below is a perfect gift to your working wife or girlfriend, to let her know that there are more safe and natural means of combatting stress. (Always avoid pills of any sort! Take for example that allegedly adulterous Senator Loren Legarda who endorses glutathione pills, pasalamat siya peke ang Lucida-DS at hindi siya na-lason)

You can also give it to your parish priest, civil society leader....

This would look good on the MTRCB boardroom...

My favourite positions mostly involve the woman on top.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

It's so hot and humid!!!! Coke with ice please....

...thankfully I live 10 minutes from the park where I made like the rest of the natives and went topless while reading 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed. I know, I'm 3 years late but today I found the time. If you ask, it's about the sexual awakening of a 16 year old girl in a small town. Erotica siya na talagang nakakapagbigay buhay sa mga patotoy ninyo or kung babae ka naman ay talagang mamamasa-masa ka tagos ng whisper with wings. Buti nalang naka-boxer shorts ako nag-sunbathe so hindi obvious na tumulo ang aking pre-cum. Ganong katindi yung libro kaya pagdating bahay, cold shower agad followed by The Catholic Channel on cable.

Now somebody please call Bono or whoever it is who can organise a charity concert to raise money for a very serious cause. Everyday I go out there in the big bad world and come home to blog to share with my loyal blog readers (who is you anyway and why you read this online notebook of mine?) the many blessings that I received from Lord Bathala/Xenu/Jehovallah in the form of pictures. But I want to give more (talagang give lang ako ng give unlike si Gretchen na take lang ng take) so I need a sub-SLR with 18x optical zoom para walang pixelation at para high resolution down to the fine bulbol. All I need is around P23,000 or £250 to buy a super-zoom point and shoot camera. Please be generous. If you donate to save the whales (do they make you happy like I do? Seriously?) then surely you can spare me some change. Sige na, para tuloy tuloy ang ligaya.

Oh, kung high res eh di sana nabasa nyo yung tatoo niya sa likod. Pero hindiiii, ako lang tuloy nakaka-alam.

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines wants to Ban Ice Cream!

...because it's a subliminal way of encouraging couples to engage in oral sex. In the new 665 page encyclical "Things not allowed because we say so" issued by the Vatican primates, those heathens who engage in oral sex cannot receive holy communion. Oh, is that why they prefer to take it in the ass?

"Kung ganito lang sana kabango at katamis eh di madalas nating gawin darling. Paminsan kasi amoy patis at lasang panis na tahong..."

Are you sure you don't want a drumstick to loosen and stretch your jaw muscles for tonight? It's ok Nash, this popsicle is still way too large anyway compared to your Pilipino ice candy. (Budget size pa ha, hiniwa ni manang tindera at kalahati lang binigay sa akin kasi poor lang kami at 50 centavos lang ma-afford ko matapos itaya ni itay sa jueteng ang pambili namin ng gasul kaya naman si inay na-asthma sa kakasindi ng dried marapait stalks to cook the nfa rice na paghahati-hatian namin ng aking 50 na pinsan dahil hindi naman nakakabusog ang apa na pinapamigay ng simbahan once every hour. May alak rin paminsan pero pari lang umiinom..)

Saturday, 26 July 2008

I need a new digital camera. I'm losing valuable resolution..

Hotel Booking

I'm trying to book a hotel on the Adriatic coast as me and HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit would like a short break but we can't seem to find nice family-run B&B's. Google doesn't return reliable results for queries to "rimini nude beach cheap hotel bella figura orgiastico fantastico".

We found this hotel on the beach and when we clicked the "magkano ka" this was the reply...

This could mean one of two things:
1. This is where the only the rich come to play, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
2. We are a shite hotel and we will furnish your room according to how much you are willing to pay. €50 gets you an airbed with a view of the chef's buttcrack.

Hmmm, I'm tempted to send them my 2-page rider and see how much it will cost.....

Gaudencio Rosales - Super Duper Intergalactic Asshole

"Couples who have the discipline to practice the Church-sanctioned natural family planning methods are “in possession of true values of life” and tend to pass it on to their children. They also tend to be good citizens, he said.....

“If there is discipline in the marital bed, then there is discipline in the streets, there is discipline in schools, there is discipline in the government,” he added.

What the fuck is he on about? Utter non-sense!

Classical Poses

Friday, 25 July 2008

Paper Mache

I wonder why people make a big fuss about their funeral arrangements. You're dead and you are just decaying meat. It's not as if you still have a say on what the living should do to your remains and whatever they do it won't matter to you when you are dead. When my time comes (hopefully in 80 years) just feel free to wrap my dead body in a plastic bag and throw it into the Balili River, I won't be fussed.

But then I saw this, and I instantly changed my philosophy about not caring after I'm dead...

Disregard my will and I will come back from the grave to haunt you....

I want this fancy paper coffin in psychedelic colours please....

This coffin is so kewl. I'm buying it for living room decoration.

Early Christmas for the Baggage Thieves at NAIA

....."Airport authority spokesman Octavio Lina said part of the flooring near the affected section gave way, exposing some of the cargo below..."

Thursday, 24 July 2008

It's hot hot hot hot hot hot hot...

Gawd, it's like the tropics here in Hampshire. Were I not working with Class 5 toxic chemicals this week, I'd show up at work wearing flip-flops and wifebeaters (yung butas butas pa ha). For health and safetiness reasons, bawal sando tsinelas sa chemistry lab. Well, at least the sky is blue and we get to eat picnic lunches and also the uni has a fricking champagne bar which opens at 10 am.

Anyways, it was 8pm and it was still hot and humid so I went to the park for a siesta. I wish I brought some pillows and blankets. I would have happily dozed off till friday.

The dogs know how to cool down.

The dogs do an impression of the Loch Ness monster.

This is the life.

And look what our American friends have discovered - natural contraceptives....

Two servings of soya a week can decrease sperm count by 40 million per ml. Taho vendors will be so happy! (Wait, can someone tell me how much is a cup of taho compared to a condom now?)

Today is thursday which means the biker boys (and gal, so far I've only met 1 biker chick) are in my neighborhood for their weekly social. The local cafe is very happy (because bikers are responsible enough not to drink alcohol and ride..those wheels don't come cheap too.)

I want. It's low enough for my 4'11" frame.

Harleys are beautiful pieces of engineering no?

What is it about Italians and sweet looking cycles? Venice does not just produce gondolas.

Spot the difference. The Honda and Kawasaki designers seem to be sleeping with each other.

Moscow still the most expensive place to live for expats....

O diba? Mas tsipipay pa rin ang Manila kaysa Ho Chi Minh...

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Don't lace panties cause chaffing?



What on earth is that???

The Nashman sleepwalked through the kitchen today and rustled up this mess on a plate. Apparently it's tortellini with red pesto with cheese on top. HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are not too sure. I think I should let the dawgs cook dinner tomorrow.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008


Utterly shameful. I slept for 13 hours last night. Disgraceful. Ok, I gave my first 'invited talk' at the new uni the previous morning and that probably drained lots of energy (the preparation time). I dare not read what the critics wrote about my performance. Anyways, still no excuse to sleep through life. So I woke up with a headache which took me half the day to shrug off, helped by some medicine of unknown provenance my colleague gave me. Whatever it was, I survived the afternoon mildly stoned. Everyone said "My, are you a bit smiley today.."

I guess I shouldn't complain. My new abode doesn't look that bad. Sure it's not going to win an architecture award and at least I live inside it which means I don't have to look at it. And you gotta hand it to the estate agents for naming every floor above the fourth as 'penthouse suites'. Let me check the OED again, yes, right there, 'penthouse' only refers to the topmost floor. I should report them to PANA for truthiness in advertising.

This is where I wanted to live but alas, I could not afford the rent. It's twice as much. It would have been an awesome shag pad. Maybe in ten years time when I finally get a real job. I'm still enjoying my teenage years to be bothered about making extra money.

Our neighbourhood is actually very historic. It would have ranked up there in terms of nice old European villages had it not suffered a series of bombing raids. Now, instead of stone buildings like Oxbarrio or Cantabrigia (spared by Hitler because he was being optimistic, he wanted to make one his British HQ. Which of the two is a matter of debate. I don't care as I've lived in both. Ha, take that Ashley's Royal Friend with four hometowns) it has so called modern 'designer' buildings of glass and steel. They are a bit bland to me. Give me an old, dilapidated building with character, stories to tell, and ghosts anytime.

I decided to take afterdinner coffee at my local cafe, which also happens to be the local independent cinema, when I realised I still had three free tickets (being a member of the Oxbarrio branch, means I'm also a member here. Wohoo!).The choices were "Mamma Mia" and "The Visitor". I'm not going to watch a serious drama on a weekday and so..

..I found myself in Screen 2 which was half-occupied by tenants from the Nursing homes of Hampshire. Then there were the couples and then me, alone, taking seat G5. Loser.

I bet you won't see this film at SM cinemas.

Aaaanyways, I might as well admit I enjoyed the film. The old ladies behind me were having an orgasm during the first few minutes as ARMM Governor Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth showed up on screen. There were oohs and aahs. There were sing-alongs and clapping too. I thought the bridesmaids were hotness. The girl was cute too. (And find me a girlfriend who will not bug me about marriage please because I am NOT the marrying kind.)

You have to hand it to the person who raided Abba's back catalogue and made a story out of it without changing the lyrics. Again, admit it, we all know at least one Abba song. I know "Fernando" very well because one of my grandpas was named Fernando and my aunts would sing it everytime he was being stubborn (not allowing my aunts to go out on dates...etc..). Unfortunately, we did not break into choreographed dance. Funny how that seems to happen whenever I throw a party. Anyways, I was too young to know "Fernando" is actually about the Mexican Revolution.

It's midnight, I'm intoxicated, and Abba songs are stuck on autoplay in my head, now where is my boat....(Check out the size of that moon! It's so low on the horizon this month.)

For his services to MI6, Former 007 Agent rewarded with a fiefdom...

Mariah Carey??? Sabi ko na nga ba Ashley, hmmm, duda ako sa fashion sense ng Mindanao royal friends mo lalo na yang inyong Crown 'Prince' of Marawi. Habang ako'y papasok sa Savile Row, nakita ko namang kalalabas niya sa one-minute tanning salon with free manicure. Ok lang naman yun at darating pa rin ako with my mega-entourage sa kanyang coronation, if and when it happens. (Will he designs his own gown?) Shet. Tama na ang malicious rumours para mahinto na ang war between our two kingdoms...Spread your wings and prepare to fly/For you have become a butterfly/Fly abandonedly into the sun...lalalalalalalalal

Fafa Benedict opens with another mala-Alma Moreno mega-production number to rival Kylie and Madonna...Like a virgin, ugh! Tats por da beri perst taym. Like a be-ugh-ugh-ergin...(Matanong ko lang dahil hindi ko napanood ang performance ni Pope Benedict, binuhat rin ba siya on bamboo stilts over the shoulders of half-naked young men sa ending ala Vilma Santos dance number?)

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Gad, get a room you too

I kid you not.

I have taken this video on my macbook, I have uploaded it to my youtube page, and now on this online diary of mine and yet they are still at it.

I'm impressed. It's a long torrid kiss. Walang binatbat yang mga ST films. Lahat kami sa loob ng sinehan lumabas para sa live show. The couple is pretty. Surely that's better than ugly people getting it on.

My local Cafe

I'm at the art house cinema down the road from where I currently live, hoping to get some work done on my presentation for Monday morning. Sadly for my productivity, the cinema cafe has free wifi and look at that view........(shame I don't have my camera, these taken using that small webcam on the macbook...)

In front of me. I'd sit outside but it's cold.

On the right of me

D'oh nuts.... know you want to....I is gaining weight yoyo-ing from the ideal 60kg to a 63kg blob. Yet, despite my obesity problems, my abs are not as bad as Ronaldo.....

Yep, he used to be a multiple footballer of the year awardee...

Bag-iw Fride Farade.

Stolen from the Rev. Frank Cimatu's web notebook.

As you know, I've been raised by gay aunts. So it's nice that the gays (well, not just the gays, count me in) are fighting back against the increasing homophobia in my beloved City of Baguio. It was never like this in the 80s when Baguio was avowedly 'consevative' but was actually very 'free'. Now with the religious nutters dominating the city council the city might as well make moralists Manoling Morato and Etta Mendez mayors for life.

Anyways, that is not the point of this post and the stolen photo. I want to know who that hot lesbian who looks like Hannah Romowac is....I'm bisexual after all, I love girls and lesbians. Halina para ipag-pray over ko siya...

Snap Photo Assault: Sabado Night Sunday Morning

Celebrity chef and no booking policy means long queues and The Nashman doesn't do queues. Ano yan. pila sa SSS or bayaran ng kuryente? So we went to the Japanese place which took 6 months to repair their kitchen after the 'fire' incident....(I love summers high up in the northern hemisphere. It's 8pm and it's still sunny!)

I know, I know, I'm so puerile...but it is funny no?

Sarah and I had the house noodles. After dinner she suggested "Hancock" whereas I voted for "Mamma Mia". I relented because unlike the misogynists at the Vatican and the conservative Anglican Primates, I respect the opinion of women and treat them as equals. (Seriously, the Vatican expressing "regret" that the Anglicans voted to have women bishops is plainly irrational and sexist. Why is it that my Catholic, Islam, and Jew brethrens treat women (and gays) like shit? That's just stupid. Ang babae, minamahal, hindi sinasaktan. Bow.) Anyways "Hancock" was too serious (napaiyak ako). Dapat daw "Mamma Mia" nalang. Batman is also out but I'm saving that for the Imax Theatre in London (Rosamunde and Carnetnoir, book our tickets when you get back!)

If I told you three girls lived in this house you would not have believed me. But there you go. Girls can be messy too. Now that I've given up my room in The Mansion I'm sleeping at my girl friends' for the weekends. Parang Cher farewell tour yan, iba-ibang locations every week. Next weekend kina G at M naman. Ganyan naman dapat diba? Kasi, when it doesn't work, it doesn't work, tanggapin and then become good friends again. Hindi yung porke't nag-break kayo eh magbabasag ka na ng plato sabay "Ayaw na kitang makita hanggang forever!". Diba OA? Nga lang siempre, we can't use the L-shaped duvet anymore

Our love is like this flower, wilted.

Sarah made me a healthy breakfast. A backhanded way of saying "Nash you are fat, get in shape." Danke schön